[It wasn't so much that she agreed with the mantra, as that she understood it. It was what the Red Room had been, and even if there had never been hands on her in the way that Ivan had always preferred, she'd understood in places that SHIELD wasn't a good place, wasn't run by good people. They'd felt the same color as the Red Room, even if things were different. Rumlow was different, and that had been good enough.
There's comfort in the contact, in being close to someone like she hasn't in a long time. Not like this. Not since that night in the burnt out lab, when she'd realized what her mother had done to her and she'd crumbled, realized how broken she was and Alexei had held her head in his lap and stroked her hair.]
I did. I didn't-- save anyone. But we got rid of the machine, Natasha shot Ivan and I watched him die before the gunfire started.
[There are people with whom this would be an uncomfortable admittance, where Alexei would hang heavy on the air, like a ghost that still whispered her name, but with Rumlow it's easier, simpler. Just his warmth, the solid feeling of him, his fingers in her hair, how he's something tangible she can hold onto, and that's good. Maybe someone else would see it as fucked up- and maybe it is- but in a way he's safer than even Natasha. He tried, at least, cared enough to try, and that's more than just about anyone else in her life, but especially from those days.]
Yeah, Ivan deserved to die. But to be honest, if they hadn't kept the leash so tight around my throat, I might not have run. But I felt like I was choking on it. I couldn't stay. It wasn't you, I just... I felt like I was going to die in that place. And I wanted more than that.
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There's comfort in the contact, in being close to someone like she hasn't in a long time. Not like this. Not since that night in the burnt out lab, when she'd realized what her mother had done to her and she'd crumbled, realized how broken she was and Alexei had held her head in his lap and stroked her hair.]
I did. I didn't-- save anyone. But we got rid of the machine, Natasha shot Ivan and I watched him die before the gunfire started.
[There are people with whom this would be an uncomfortable admittance, where Alexei would hang heavy on the air, like a ghost that still whispered her name, but with Rumlow it's easier, simpler. Just his warmth, the solid feeling of him, his fingers in her hair, how he's something tangible she can hold onto, and that's good. Maybe someone else would see it as fucked up- and maybe it is- but in a way he's safer than even Natasha. He tried, at least, cared enough to try, and that's more than just about anyone else in her life, but especially from those days.]
Yeah, Ivan deserved to die. But to be honest, if they hadn't kept the leash so tight around my throat, I might not have run. But I felt like I was choking on it. I couldn't stay. It wasn't you, I just... I felt like I was going to die in that place. And I wanted more than that.