(closed) well damn

[coolerjunpei]

Who: Junpei (coolerjunpei), Yusei (planetary_bonds), Magnus (ruffboi), Snake (ripvanwinkled), Taako (chaoticlootral)
What: a bunch of idiots fight spiders (really only Taako fights spiders)
When: during the part 2 intro log
Where: the woods
Warning(s): just a bunch of idiots, also spiders

[This is the scene: 5 people who are too annoying to walk with the rest of the group are, naturally, walking together, thus making their net annoyance stat way higher than it would have been if they weren't like this as people in the first place. It's a very peaceful walk, including:

1. Yusei, several yards ahead of the group, clanking from all of his gear and smelling like ass from a ditz moth,
2. Magnus, carrying 90% of the group's stuff just because no one else was going to, winking nonstop at
3. Junpei, carrying a busted bionic arm and one single blanket, only occasionally remembering to wink back.

And then bringing up the rear of the group are Snake and Taako, deeply engaged in a heated discourse about HGTV's Property Brothers, which the rest of the group has tuned out aside from occasionally turning around to contribute something and then give up breaking up this heated discussion.

So peaceful and nothing could go wrong ever. Junpei, for his part, calls out to Yusei:] We're downwind back here! Move to your right!

Comments

[planetary_bonds]

[Somehow, Yusei has managed to consistently stay several yards ahead of the group despite an oncoming headache and dizzy spell. Maybe it's because he tends to stay quiet and focuses only on climbing instead of talking. Still, he's finding himself irrationally annoyed at Junpei. For some reason, the man sounds unreasonably hostile to him.]

Yeah, yeah, I got it!

[Maybe he snapped it off a little too irritably and a little too late to actually sound like he's being sincere. He is, really! Only it doesn't look like it.

You see, the smell of a Ditz Moth has the tendency to be very, very disorienting. Yusei doesn't know that, so he thinks he's listening to Junpei and moving to his right.

He's moving to the left. Suck on that, Junpei.]

[ruffboi]

Are we sure he's okay? I mean, are we sure he's not poisoned? Does anyone have a potion?

[He's worried about Yusei a little, at least, a little more worried than anyone else seems to be. Not worried enough to like, go over there and smell him, but worried. Otherwise, he's making a good pace, considering he's carrying most of everyone's belongings in addition to his own heavy sword and shield. He pauses to shift the weight of his shield every so often, but he doesn't seem bothered by it.

After being rebuffed by his last attempt to chime in on the HGTV discourse, he talks to Junpei instead.]

I mean, in my opinion, it's not about the celebrities. It's about the craftsmanship. And it's there, they aren't bad, but I'm not convinced either Property Brother really knows his way around a piece of wood.

[ripvanwinkled]

It's about the celebrities. Sure, they might not know their way around wood, but they're the face of television. What do you think of when you hear HGTV? Love it or List it? No. It's Property Brothers. Brothers is the draw, or else they wouldn't also have the show, Brother vs Brother.

[This is why Magnus isn't allowed in their conversation! Snake and Taako might have ejected Magnus from the back of the Fun Bus, but as he's probably said before, Snake has excellent hearing. And he's using it.]

There have been hundreds of other shows dedicated to home renovations. Sure, they aren't as iconic as Ty Pennington moving that bus, but really?

[chaoticlootral]

Exactly! If you want to watch some 4's and 5's get randy about wood grain and reasonable budgets, you can waste your time with This Old House. Craftsmanship makes terrible TV. We're here for entertainment.

[ Yeah Magnus stop going on about the Property Brother's wood. You'd think you're the one with the foldout fanart of them stuffed in your bunk. Taako's been happy to talk about this for as long as they've been walking, carrying absolutely nothing but a few pebbles in his hand that he occasionally whips at Yusei if he gets too close to the rest of the party. ]

Anyway, he's fine. No one waste a potion on him, unless that potion is a shower.

[coolerjunpei]

[There's no way in hell Junpei is going to approach Yusei either, but he is at least keeping an eye on him. Mostly for scent-related concerns, but also:] That's your left, come on! Do you know how wind works?! [And then aside to Magnus,] I think he's fine, just poisoned by attitude.

[This whole HGTV thing is lost on him, since it's not about tiny houses and he doesn't care about anything else on HGTV. The dull buzzing of discourse behind him he can ignore, but Magnus... dude... spare him.

He thinks about it anyway, since the Brothers Property are now omnipresent.]

Let's say they made a really small house. Less wood, more skill? Maybe? [how the fuck do you build anything]

[planetary_bonds]

[Well, any discerning member of the party might realize that being poisoned by attitude might apparently be enough of a warning sign to realize that something ain't right. Yusei can be snarky, yes, but not to the point of actually inconveniencing someone unless he's really antagonistic against them. However annoying the group is, it's not usually something Yusei would reasonably be peeved at.]

I'm moving, alright? [and out of irritation, yusei stomps a little more forward backward and to the right left. great.]

[ruffboi]

I liked This Old House. [He says it confidently, because Magnus says everything confidently, but his tone sounds a little defeated.]

How far do you boys think we're looking at? Directions weren't too clear.

[ripvanwinkled]

This Old House is just that: Too Old. It's ran too long. Tiny Houses are alright, only because they're new and innovative. But it doesn't necessarily take any more amount of skill than creating one with more wood.

[And them's the facts. Snake crosses his arms, turning his head up the day sky.]

I'm not looking at anything, so if anyone can tell me what's up ahead, that would be wonderful!

[chaoticlootral]

Tiny Houses! Please, no one actually wants to live in a fart capsule on wheels where you have to climb to a bed. They're just trendy. Buy a Wagonhome if you want to live like that, at least it's honest about what it is.

[Taako HOT TAKE.]

There's nothing to look at, you aren't missing anything. It's just woods and junk. And Magnus' ass.

[coolerjunpei]

I know I don't hear anybody talking shit on tiny houses back there. [You punks.....]

As long as we don't get lost, we should be there in a few hours.

[Source: he has no fucking idea. Do not trust Junpei.]

[planetary_bonds]

[Normally Yusei would listen to that last statement with no complaint, but. Junpei sounds like an ass to him right now, has been sounding like an ass ever since his head started pounding and hearing his voice telling Yusei to move only irritates it more and and and.

look. Yusei's not inclined to listen to Junpei's nonsense right now.]

I wonder about that. [holy shit, he almost sounds mad. almost.] You been checking our course?

[ruffboi]

Hey, hey, fellas.

[The tone of this journey is starting to get a little hostile, so Magnus spreads his hands in a placating gesture and tries to dispel the tension.]

It's fine! If we keep walking this direction, we're bound to hit civilization anyway.

[ripvanwinkled]

If we keep walking in some random direction, we're bound to... not do... that...

[Snake trails off in the middle of what would be input no one needs, slowing his steps to turn his head to the distant, more treacherous wood. The part of the woods that you would look at and think, "that's not the right way, I might get murdered there!" For a hot second it seems as if he might continue his insult-- one that would go over Magnus' head --but instead he just comes to a complete stop. Light?]

Did you hear that?

[No, they didn't, you know they're all big dummies!] Clover...? That's true, but-- [Why did you leave me, Light?! You left me out there to die again! What kind of big brother are you?! Come get me before the eat me, Light!

And without so much of another word, Snake shoves past Taako to run through the underbrush. There he goes, he's gone.]

[chaoticlootral]

[Uh? Alright then? Bye, dude who's name he doesn't remember? It was kind of a rude way to end a conversation, but Taako has done worse before so . . . whatever, I guess. The shoving seemed unnecessary. Stopping to observe where Snake just bolted off into the woods like a gentle forest animal, but making absolutely no move to follow him.]

Oh, yeah. Waffles will go right through you like that. He could have just told us?

[ Cupping his hands around his mouth to shout into the woods. ]

If you have to take a dump, it's cool! Don't be embarrassed about it!

[coolerjunpei]

Hey, if someone wants to start something, I'm all for it! [Come swing first, Yusei! Do it!! Junpei's totally ready to Fight if this guy keeps giving him shit for no reason and not listening to directions, until Snake makes tracks and then there's yelling about shitting. Actual shitting. Are they all going to get food poisoning as an added bonus?

Or: What became of this discourse in the last thirty seconds?]

Wait, did Snake just go crazy and run away?

[That's cool, he'll be concerned alone. It's fine.]

[planetary_bonds]

[Yusei isn't quite in the mood to listen to anyone else in the group right now, and in fact has been tuning them out ever since he started (not) listening to Junpei's directions (again). Why? The reason for that is because he suddenly started hearing a hauntingly familiar voice in his head-and not one that he's happy to recognize.

"So, this is what's become of your so-called 'bonds,' Yusei!"

It's a voice that he shouldn't be hearing at all.

"Whether you think you're hallucinating me or not isn't relevant, Yusei! After all, it's undeniable truth that you're hearing me now, that you've left everyone else behind! After all that work you went through to defeat me, hm?"

No, no, no! Yusei visibly starts shaking and trying to block it out, but the voice continues to taunt him, unrelenting.

"Yusei! Do you think I'll let you leave this place alive after all this?!"]

SHUT THE HELL UP!

[The timing for that yell could...be better. As it is, it looks like he just stopped walking and screamed in direct response to Junpei, the only hint otherwise being that Yusei's staring off somewhere to his right, holding the metal pole with a death grip.]

[ruffboi]

Whoa, uh --

[So, the wheels in Magnus' sweet dumb head start turning the second Snake starts talking to someone invisible and then bolts for it. He does well enough on his perception check to think that Snake maybe didn't run off to poop but it still takes a while for him to come to a conclusion. That conclusion comes right as Yusei starts shouting and staring off into the distance.

The conclusion is this: who knows what the fuck is up, but shit's about to break bad. And once he decides that, he reacts quickly, bolting into a run in Yusei'a direction.]

Danger afoot, gents! Keep him from bolting!

[And with that, he's swinging a punch right into Yusei's jaw and, without waiting around to see what comes of this wild attack, he's bolting off into the woods after Snake.]

[ripvanwinkled]

[Snake's gone for a minute and everything goes to shit. Snake is in fact, not going to shit in the way Taako's assumed, but the way he's taking isn't really any better. The further into the woods he goes, the less sun shines through the trees, and the darkness shrouds what is already difficult web to see. The bad thing is that he's fast, and he's managed not to run into a tree on the way. The good thing is that he has to stop to listen for direction, and Magnus can catch a glimpse before he's ran off again.]

Clover?! I didn't mean to leave you behind! Just tell me where you are, I'm-- [A scream rings in his ears, so much that he doesn't think about how he's starting to brush through what feels like spider web. The lines through the trees only seem to get thicker the further he goes.] I'm sorry! I'm coming, please, just hold on!

[chaoticlootral]

[This feels like the local wizard is being discriminated against for getting a really bad perception check, and he isn't super pleased about it. Magnus bolting isn't a surprise and he doesn't exactly want to follow him either on a dumb woods adventure, but there's also a guy here who started losing his mind and got punched, so maybe not the best place to stick around?

Fuck it - just taking the last directive throw at him and whipping around with his umbrella out to try and cast Hold Person on Yusei. Everyone sit the fuck down. ]

Holy shit, everyone chill out for second!

[I mean. A little late for that.]

[coolerjunpei]

What the fuck!

[That's it, that's the tag.




No, but everything went to shit all at once here, and Junpei has absolutely no idea what he should be doing. Magnus runs off after Snake, Yusei is—Yusei, Taako is doing magic shit—] Why am I on Team Crazy Babysitting?!

[Well, since he apparently is on this team, he makes a frustrated noise that might just actually be him yelling "fuck" again, then dashes not into the woods but toward Yusei. Nobody needs a crazy screaming guy with a metal pipe? Whether or not Taako's spell holds, he's going for the goddamn metal pipe.

To his credit, this is the most chill thing he could do right now.]

[planetary_bonds]

[It's because life exists to make you cry, Junpei.

Yusei turns around in apprehension just in time to get socked clean in the jaw by Magnus, forcing him to stumble back. This starts a clean chain of events: before he can straighten himself out, Taako successfully hits him with the spell, causing him to be rooted to the spot and yelp in pain; which allows Junpei to come up and wrest the pipe out of his stiff and numbed fingers.]

A-aaagh-! R...Rudger-! Don't think y-you'll get...away...with...

[who the hell is that. it's who the spider's imitating. bad.]

[ruffboi]

[Magnus isn't sticking around to see what he's wrought. He's barreling after Snake, or at least the direction it looks like Snake ran off in. He's not exactly an excellent tracker but he can see a path into the darker parts of the woods. He's slowed down as the trees get thicker, forcing him to push (and chop) through foliage -- in addition to being broader than Snake, he's still carrying everyone's stuff.

But eventually he gets close enough to see cobwebs, and to hear Snake shouting at someone who isn't there. What does seem to be there, or at least, what his non-elf eyes do see, is something big moving in the darkness.]

Snake! Look out! Here, let me shine a light on this situation! [He pulls his shield from his back and flickers on his sword, illuminating the shine of cobwebs and the creature in the darkness for all to see. Except anyone who happened to be blind, a detail that has clearly not occurred to him. But Snake can probably piece together what just happened based on the shitty pun.

With danger in view, Magnus prepares to charge at it, and then, he stops.]

Magnus?

[The sound is coming from somewhere ahead, through the cobwebs, past the spider. He doesn't turn his back on the spider, though. Not yet, but he's gone confused and rigid.] Julia? [He mumbles that to himself, as though he's trying to figure this out, but hasn't quite connected the pieces.]

Magnus! Hurry! Help us!

[As soon as he hears that, everything else - the spider, Snake, the fact that this clearly doesn't make sense - stops mattering. He charges past the spider directly into the webbing, trying to slash his way through but becoming more and more entangled.]

Snake! Snake, run. I'll get yours too! I'll save everyone!

[ripvanwinkled]

[Snake stands frozen, fully expecting more words to follow behind Magnus great reveal. Some, you know, "that's not a person you care about, it's actually a giant, hungry looking spider!" He's on edge, waiting to get a grasp on the danger and which way to go, so when he hears the flames of Magnus sword... It takes him a moment, but he deflates with a long sigh. Really, really? Even the spider is kind of looking at him like it was lame.]

You aren't exactly the brightest or sharpest, but if you intend to help my sister-- [Magnus doesn't even give him the time to finish his great insult before he's barreling past him. "Everyone" brings no small amount of confusion, because as far as he knows, now Magnus had just been talking to himself before running off. Something he would never do, in his life, of course.] Where are you going?! Magnus, where is she?!

[I'm right here, Light. The voice comes from above him, now, as the spider took the opportunity of Magnus running past to flee up its web. Before he can finally take a step to run, a leg stabs through the hood of his robe before hoisting him to be spun upside down. There's no small amount of screaming in the distance, for those lesser idiots back there.]

[chaoticlootral]

[ Ah. Woods screaming. I mean it doesn't necessarily answer whether or not they're just having some bowel issues, but it does make that possibility less likely. Looking back and forth between the woods screaming and the more immediate Crazy Babysitting Screaming as if he's trying to make up his mind for a second on something. Well, this needless waste of spell slots is already chugging along, might as well just go bananas up in here (up in here) and combine these problems into one problem. Waiting until Junpei safely has the iron bar before casting yet another spell on Yusei - this time a translucent bubble appears around him - trapping him inside. And making him conveniently rollable. He'd technically have a chance to resist being bubbled, but it's a dexterity check and poor paralyzed, facepunched Yusei probably isn't going to do so super hot on that. ]

Hey, hey - uh, you? [Junpei. He means you. I mean you're really the only guy left to address here.] Get him rolling, we're going in, I guess.

[UGH. Because if two other guys run into the woods only to start screaming, the smart thing to do is just go gallivanting after them. Apparently Taako isn't going to be the one in charge of the newly Hamster Balled Yusei, but if Junpei pushes it he'll find it near weightless and easy to maneuver - and Yusei might feel a little ill later, but nothing can hurt him in there. Just roll him into the woods with us screaming, it'll be fine. No separating the party!!

Fortunately, Magnus crashing through the woods has left a pretty clear path, so, there's that. Taako isn't exactly a tracker either, but following screaming can only be so hard. Unfortunately, the closer he gets, the screaming isn't the only thing to hear anymore.

Hey, Taako! Hurry it up! I'm way ahead of you, doofus!

Oh.]

Really? Seriously? Nah. Not doing this.

[Cupping his hands once again because he's just gonna just yell into the woods one more time. In case Magnus and Snake are still alive and listening. Hope Junpei and bubble-sei are following.]

Hey, idiots, it's a trap!

[coolerjunpei]

[And so Hey You was left alone with Bubble Boy. Junpei doesn't know where to put himself once he grabs the pipe from Yusei - he's not, like, considering whacking him in the head with it or anything, but what are they supposed to do with Magnus and Snake screaming in the woods and Yusei paralyzed on the ground?

So Junpei literally spends a solid two minutes or so standing there, holding this pipe in one hand and Snake's goddamn robot arm in the other, and has no idea what to do with himself. It takes all of his self control not to run off after Snake and probably get himself eaten or whatever they're doing in there, too, and only because if there are spooky things in the woods (because of course there are), they can't exactly leave Yusei out here like this, right? Like, we're still doing morals and stuff?

Even if the guy's a huge pain in the ass. When Taako hits him with the bubble, Junpei takes a few hurried steps back so he doesn't get beaned in the face with it.] Whoa—uh, sure thing...?

[Remarkable: Junpei still hasn't heard a single voice he hasn't expected to hear. He has no idea why everyone is going crazy and talking to themselves. He has a pipe and a third arm and a task, though, so there... is that.

Taako has shouting the obvious covered, so Junpei will spare everyone adding to the screaming. He considers Yusei as he tucks Snake's fucking arm under his own, then hefts the pipe in his other hand as he taps the magic bubble. It seems sturdy? He has to roll Yusei along, but no one specified anything else, and Yusei has been giving him lip all afternoon.

So without any further hesitation, he grips the pipe like a baseball bat and takes the hardest swing he can at the magic bubble. Bye, Yusei.]