[Prior's focus is distracted, head tipped to watch the butterfly until there's only a speck of light to follow, blinking out high above them. But he looks back in time to catch the look on Byerly's face. And he's not an idiot. His self-esteem may be riddled with bullet holes, but his self-worth's a less vulnerable edifice.
It's the kind of look Louis would have spit nails for a week over someone giving him, before, while he'd have gracefully pretended not to be pleased and amused. And Prior remembers Louis, too, back when Prior falling in love with him had felt like being chosen for some higher purpose.
No more. He won't mark out his future in terms of looks like these. He can't allow them, only to watch them die as the reality of what his daily life with all its little indignities really looks like gradually settles in. Or, worse, watch them turn pitying or resentful. He's too young to forgo looks like these, but even the knowledge of that makes him feel ancient already. Better to keep this to whatever it's been, so far. Mutual distraction? Prior's sure he wouldn't allow himself to agree to so much without the feeling that it's giving Byerly some purpose, too.
But that look. Prior looks back and lets himself be aware, for one moment, how much just looking at Byerly sometimes feels like cheating on someone who no longer has the slightest claim.
And then he laughs, bites his lip.]
Oh, I trust I'll learn. Just, not too soon? For now I think I'd rather be taught how to keep myself here as long as can be arranged. [Gently deflecting, he lets the need to shift his stance pull him away just enough.] Though I'm really not sure assaulting people will ever be my thing.
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It's the kind of look Louis would have spit nails for a week over someone giving him, before, while he'd have gracefully pretended not to be pleased and amused. And Prior remembers Louis, too, back when Prior falling in love with him had felt like being chosen for some higher purpose.
No more. He won't mark out his future in terms of looks like these. He can't allow them, only to watch them die as the reality of what his daily life with all its little indignities really looks like gradually settles in. Or, worse, watch them turn pitying or resentful. He's too young to forgo looks like these, but even the knowledge of that makes him feel ancient already. Better to keep this to whatever it's been, so far. Mutual distraction? Prior's sure he wouldn't allow himself to agree to so much without the feeling that it's giving Byerly some purpose, too.
But that look. Prior looks back and lets himself be aware, for one moment, how much just looking at Byerly sometimes feels like cheating on someone who no longer has the slightest claim.
And then he laughs, bites his lip.]
Oh, I trust I'll learn. Just, not too soon? For now I think I'd rather be taught how to keep myself here as long as can be arranged. [Gently deflecting, he lets the need to shift his stance pull him away just enough.] Though I'm really not sure assaulting people will ever be my thing.