nysalogs | CLOSED ♪ And you were laughing along

_{[Maybe, just maybe, Mephisto's the one who should be pitied. That said, he did it to himself with his lies. Slaine found himself ostracized just by virtue of what he was. Is he surprised Mephisto doesn't like that side of him? Not really. It's not like he likes that side of himself either. He doesn't really like any side of himself, if he's going to be honest.]}

Blessings?

_{[Seriously? Is a demon really lecturing him on counting his blessings right now?]}

What blessings? The only blessing I had in my life before I came here is barely alive in a pod and the blessing I had here is gone now.

I'm not terribly fond of repeating myself, so I won't.

[He just proved his point. Grieving his past love and fearing a future without Yona -- ignoring the fact that both of them could very well wake up any day now to greet him with a smile.]

[But even if they did -- he'd probably be too wrapped up in his own projections of how reality should be to even acknowledge them.]

But I'm curious... you said your life has never been your own. I don't doubt that such a thing was true for you back home. But that world is gone... so what exactly is it that owns your life now? What makes you think so lowly of yourself?

Princess Asseylum owns my life.

_{[It's weird, saying her name out loud when he hasn't for what feels like months. The name feels hard in his mouth, hollowed out like a dried biscuit. There are traces of something sweet still there, but the overall flavour is bland.]}

I've been told my whole life I was worthless, that I had no place to belong to. Earth, Mars...two planets and I was unable to be accepted by either. Princess Asseylum saved my life and in turn gave me a purpose. No matter what her Orbital Knights did to me, no matter what happened, as long as I had her friendship and her smile to look forward to, I could endure anything.

_{[She had been his only friend, the only kindness shown to him in an unforgiving, Martian world.]}

But she nearly died because of my incompetence. I couldn't save her or rescue her. She's barely alive in that pod, you know. Even if she wakes up someday she might not be able to walk or speak. She might not be able to do anything...she might not even remember who I am.

_{[Or worse, she'd hate him and despise him.]}

History repeats itself, right? At least with Princess Asseylum I almost made it that time. Lady Yona I...I didn't even have a chance...now she's gone.

_{[Dead, that is.

The little bat like creature seems to nuzzle against him, perhaps recognizing his distress. It's funny how his nickname from Inaho had been 'bat'. What other misunderstood and shunned creature would fit him better?]}

As long as Princess Asseylum is in that pod in that room I'll live...but I'm tired of it. I'm really, really tired. Part of me wishes she weren't there so I could shoot myself and be done with it all.

[He's silent as he listens, expression unchanging even as Slaine speaks so casually of suicide. Even after he's finished, there's a moment of quiet contemplation, wondering what to say.]

[Back home, he might have dared Slaine to do exactly that. To go into the stasis pods and put that gun to his head so that the first thing his "beloved" Asseylum will see when she wakes up is the sight of his splattered corpse.]

[Because he knows he wouldn't be able to do it. He can tell right now. And the mere fact that he can't might just break him.]

[But he's not the same demon he was back home. Although he can't quite bring himself to sympathize with Slaine's past, he can bring himself to an understanding with it. The promise he made to Mipha still echoes in the back of his mind, filtering through his every action and thought. Is there something he could say to help him? Probably not. This might just be something Slaine needs to say, to someone who will neither judge nor coddle him for it. And what better person than a demon?]

[But there's more to it than just that, isn't there?]

Did you know... demons aren't capable of understanding love?

Although we can feel something rather akin to it, due to the nature of our existence, it's rarely seen as a positive emotion. To us... love is something painful. In most cases, humans would sooner equate our form of love to obsession -- to be so fixated on a single thing that we lose the ability to function as we once did. And over time, it can twist and distort into something that, to humans, wouldn't even be recognizable as love.

Hearing what you said just now... I feel as though I'm beginning to wonder whether or not we're really all that different.

Maybe I'm a demon then.

_{[He's joking, of course, but he relates a little too closely to what Mephisto's just said to take any comfort in it. Could his love for Asseylum, which he couldn't even bring himself to admit to out loud, be anything other than obsessive? It was true Slaine ended up fixating on people or ideals as a means to function in his day to day life, but he's been living that way for so long he doesn't know how to live otherwise.

Then there was Yona. Did he love her? In his own way, yes. There was certainly affection there, both physical and emotional, a crush he found hard to put into words...but that too had begun to warp, hadn't it? She had been his first for a lot of things, a lot of experiences that he'd shared with her in the past few months he'd started his new life. He'd opened up to her in ways he never had to anyone else, had confided in her in ways he'd been too frightened to with others. Asseylum hadn't even seen sides of him that Yona had and probably never would. If Asseylum had been his first friend Yona had been his first confidant.

Now, with her gone, he's not sure after this he'll ever be able to open up to someone again.]}

I'm really fucked up. I don't think I can ever be normal or love someone properly...I don't even know why I try.

_{[He's damaged goods and he knows it. He's practically a write-off. After all, hasn't he been treated that way his whole life? Even his mother hadn't considered him worth enough to take him from his father and raise him.]}

I wish I couldn't feel anything ever again.

_{[Because that's half his problem and he knows it. He feels too much, too strongly, each emotion far to raw for his own good.]}

...I wouldn't be so quick to write yourself off like that.

[He gives a little wave of his hand, and when he does, the three little monkey demons hop off of him and instead crowd over around Slaine. Whether he realizes it or not, they're being drawn to his honesty right now -- seeing as they're demons that feed on the truths that humans hide away in their hearts, often compelling them to honesty whether they mean for it or not.]

[...not that such a power is active right now, of course.]

Though I may not seem like very much to you, the truth is I've spent thousands of years watching humanity. In that time, I've met all sorts of humans. It's fascinating to me-- how your lives can be so short, and yet filled to the brim with so much. So much happiness, so much pain... so much diversity! No two humans I've ever met have been the same as any other.

But if there's one thing I've learned about humans-- one universal trait that all humans possess... it's in their ability to change. To adapt to whatever is thrown at them, be it through conscious effort or the simple struggle to survive.

Why, just look at you right now-- did you ever imagine you would be sitting here with me, having a heart-to-heart discussion about love?

[...cause Mephisto sure as hell didn't???]

_{[The little monkey creatures startle him and the bat that's decided to cuddle up to him. He doesn't mind them though. He's always had an affinity for nature and all sorts of creatures. What made this any different?

As for the so called "heart-to heart"...well no, he never imagined it. He had no reason to.

Someone had told him that surviving and living weren't the same thing, and honestly he has to agree. Should he really not be so quick to write himself off? Everyone else had. That had been the trend for the majority of his life.]}

I'm good at surviving. I'm not so good at living.

[Aside from the fact that one is a possessed umbrella and the other three were once stone statues?? Not that you'd be able to tell in their case.]

Well, look at that! You're already halfway there.

[That's not really how it works, but-- hey, the fact that he can acknowledge that the two are different is a good sign as far as Mephisto is concerned.]

You know, I wonder... perhaps we could be of some help to each other. For all that I've been managing rather poorly as of late, there's no denying that there are few who know more about living than one who has done so for thousands of years.

And given current events -- apparently I'm not very good when it comes to surviving.

[...th-that was a joke, but it's sad that it's actually kind of true.]

_{[Haha. Very funny.

Still, Mephisto's words strike him as odd, if only because he's not really sure what the demon is getting at. The look on Slaine's face says it all - just what did he want?]}

...I'm not sure how I could be of any help to you.

Honestly, I'm not so sure myself, either.

[Which might just seem a little at odds with what he just said. But his expression grows a bit wistful, his gaze focused more on the familiars crowding around Slaine than Slaine himself.]

...but you remind of someone. Someone who, like you, grew tired of living.

[...]

He was someone I couldn't save.

_{[So he's to be a substitute then. Mephisto hadn't been able to save the person he's speaking of but maybe, just maybe, he could save Slaine. Was he even capable of saving? He surely feels past the point by a long shot.

It gets him thinking though, about himself, about Yona and Asseylum respectively. It'd be a lie to say he's not taking her death as hard as he is because of his failed attempt at saving Asseylum in the past. It's because of that failed attempt that his inability to do anything for another person who meant so much to him is quite literally eating away at him.

As far as Slaine's concerned, his stomach, with its lack of food, has probably already begun to eat its way up his throat.]}

I'm not exactly a good candidate for salvation.

Neither was Lucifer.

[Although Slaine didn't seem to react with any sense of recognition when Mephisto gave his own true name, he's certain this is a name he'll know. Whether that means he'll find the comparison to be insulting or not is another story.]

But I don't think it's a matter of whether one is worthy of salvation or not. Take a look at the Natha, and how indiscriminate they are in who they've rescued. Countless innocent survivors, doubtlessly deserving a second chance... and countless more like myself, or my older brother who still sleeps on this very station. Those who would have never wanted to be saved if they knew what awaited them here...

[There's a brief pause, and then he shrugs.]

Not that I'm still consumed with such negative thoughts anymore... but you get the idea.

CLOSED ♪ And you were laughing along

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: graphic intrusive thoughts-ish

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject