Roxas (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pullsheavendown) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
nysalogs2018-07-17 10:02 am
pullsheavendown) wrote in nysalogs2018-07-17 10:02 am
who i am from the start
Who: Roxas (pullsheavendown), Sora (happylocksmith), Axel (icingonthecake) & Riku (dreamprotector) in varying combos
What: Meetings & reunions
When: Day of the latest pod awakenings, pre-Nadril
Where: Thesa Station
Warning(s): Kingdom Hearts lore is stupid
[So, he's awakened in space with the knowledge that his worlds is gone, found his other half, and had a conversation he always wanted to have but never thought he'd be able to. What next?
Go to Disney World
Get dragged along the corridors of Thesa Station, apparently.]
pullsheavendown), Sora (happylocksmith), Axel (icingonthecake) & Riku (dreamprotector) in varying combos What: Meetings & reunions
When: Day of the latest pod awakenings, pre-Nadril
Where: Thesa Station
Warning(s): Kingdom Hearts lore is stupid
[So, he's awakened in space with the knowledge that his world
Get dragged along the corridors of Thesa Station, apparently.]
no subject
He nods at Axel's question—Sora hadn't left him any time to notice what's happened outside the station, although he's gotten the sense that something unusual's happened—and smiles faintly at his admission. No, he wouldn't have dared to hope either. When have they ever been that lucky, except today?
"No thanks," he says, chuckling a little. "Even if I wouldn't have noticed, they drew enough dumb faces for a lifetime." Or so Axel had told him later.
(That was Axel, right? Of course it was. Who else would it have been?)
"I don't think it's from being in the pod, though. Because it doesn't really feel that way when I move." He holds his arms forward, lacing his fingers together and flexing. "I think it's more in my head. It's been a while since I was...just me."
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He gives a soft laugh then, getting to his feet and gesturing for Roxas to follow. He rests his hands on the lip of the thick glass window separating them from space, and his eyes move to where the frozen form of the great rotting dragon can be seen poised over the stock-still planet. His room would have a great view, if the view wasn't so gruesome.
"That right there is the wrong kind of zombie to aspire to be," he says, tapping his knuckle against the glass. "That's a dragon god, resurrected by heretics, but they screwed something up, so instead of being a gracious omnipotent deity, he's an insane bloodthirsty undead monster. So that's how my last week went." He smiles ruefully. "Found out I can deflect dragonfire, though, so that's kinda cool. Wasn't easy, but I did it. Not sure I wanna fine-tune that skill, though, all things considered--here's hoping we don't have to fight any more undead dragon gods anytime soon."
He'll leave off the part where Ysverai wasn't just a rampaging monster hell-bent on destruction and actually seemed to be in excruciating pain most of the time. Roxas is a sensitive kid, and while he's certainly learned his lesson about lies of omission, knowing that the monster is suffering is a sadness he'd rather Roxas not have to think about if it comes to having to fight Ysverai again.
"The whole planet's frozen in time right now," he says, folding his arms and leaning with his back against the glass now, "until the Natha can figure out some way to subdue or destroy the dragon, I guess. So we're stuck up here for the time being."
He furrows his brow a little then, something twinging behind his ribs, and he offers Roxas a thin smile.
"You've always been you," he says, "even if sometimes you were... also connected with several other people."
Wait, several? Wasn't it just Sora?
Anyway.
"So now that you're just you," he says, reaching over and clapping Roxas on the shoulder, "what are ya gonna do first?" A grin. "I mean, now that you've got your old partner in crime back, the sky's... Well, actually, not even the sky is the limit, since we're in orbit," he snorts.
no subject
This is the kind of thing that can happen here? What kind of world have they ended up in?
He'll think about it later. Something that big is important, but it's not important the same way other things are.
"I don't know," he says, leaning back against the glass with a quiet thump. "All I wanted for a long time was answers. I didn't think much about what would happen after I got them." He pauses for a moment. "Do they have ice cream here?"
no subject
He laughs gently.
"Please," he says, waving a hand. "You think I'd have stayed if they didn't? I'd have gone back into cryosleep before I stuck around someplace with no ice cream." He quirks his mouth to one side. "They don't seem to have seasalt," he says, "but maybe it's time we expand your dessert horizons a bit, anyway."
no subject
But still, it's comforting to know it's here, even if it doesn't taste the same. He hasn't lost everything that was ever his.
"I can handle that," he says with a laugh. Maybe...maybe Sora can join them, sometime. Not right away. Knowing his other half like he does now isn't the same as being friends with him, and Roxas wants that to happen for real now that they have the chance. And oh yeah, Sora.
"I need to find Sora later, too," he adds. "I'm glad he brought me here right away, but we only got to talk for a little while by the pods. And there's a lot to talk about."
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"I bet there is," Axel says with a chuckle. "I mean, I guess being in someone's heart and actually having a conversation with them are pretty different. Haven't tried the former, myself." He leans back on his hands again and gives Roxas a smile. "I feel like I should do somethin' for him," he says, "for surprising us like this. That was pretty cool of him."
no subject
"Yeah, it was," he says. "Think how long we might have gone without knowing we were both awake."
Unless Axel had made a point of displaying his presence. Despite all the recon, his best friend's not exactly subtle. But Roxas has never been big on attracting attention himself, so who knows? It's better this way.
no subject
"Seriously," he says. "We're all kind of stuck up here on the station, sure, but it's a big station. I'm not big on posting on the network much, and something tells me it's not super your style, either... It could have been weeks before we happened to bump into one another."
Yeah, he's definitely gonna have to do something nice for the kid.
He hefts a sigh and pauses a moment, then laughs gently.
"Man, after all this time wishing I'd get just one last chance to see you again," he says, "here you are and I'm just kind of at a loss for words." The apology was said (and will probably be repeated at least four or five more times in the near future), and he just hadn't really planned much past that. Somehow he'd figured that if he did get the chance to see Roxas again, it would be fleeting, but there's a good chance that now that he's woken up here, Roxas will stick around for a while. And that's great, but Axel's not quite sure how exactly to get this soft reset started.
no subject
"It's okay," he says, glancing over to the side and nodding. "I'm not that great with words either. We can be bad at it together."
Maybe he doesn't have as much to apologize for as Axel, but he's got plenty of regrets. That's close enough. He doesn't want to linger on those, either.
"You can start by telling me more about this place, and about the people here, once I get the chance to meet them." He hesitates for a moment before continuing. "Sora said that Riku's here, too."
no subject
He braces for a punch in the arm. Worth it.
"Ah, as for this place..." He trails off for a moment, trying to get his thoughts in order. There's a lot to explain, and while Axel may have a way with words, it's hard to organize how to go about this. "Well, I've been here about five months now," he says. "There's a few different... I'm not sure if they're actual countries or just like bickering provinces, actually, but there are two main groups of people living on the planet who apparently mostly hate one another's guts, which is tons of fun for us refugees." He wags a finger. "I dunno if you got any rundown about much of anything yet, but if and when things start getting back to normal and we can go back down to the planet, don't take sides. And I'm not just saying that because I'm like allergic to picking a side in general."
Which is true, if you look at his track record.
"I mean whether you come to sympathize with the Olympians' or the Wyverns' situation, do not let on," he says firmly. "It's stupid, but if you're in one place and they think you sympathize with the others, they're liable to target you. And I know you can take care of yourself, but it's just a risk better not taken."
no subject
The names mean little to him; just words without context, although he trusts Axel's assessment of the situation. He thinks he can trust a lot of what Axel says, now that what was the biggest secret between them is out and they've talked about things.
"I won't," he says. "We've got to look out for each other first, right?" There's a twinge of guilt in his gut as he says it. Having really met Sora, Roxas is sure that he wouldn't have such an easy time keeping a wary distance. But Roxas knows all too well what harm people can do to those who don't share their priorities, and how betrayal can come from sides you never expect.
"Do you guys keep an eye out for each other?" he asks. Clearly, Axel and Sora are some kind of friends now. "You and Sora and Riku?"
no subject
Axel is confident he can trust Sora, and now that Riku has been brought up to speed with Sora's time frame, he's confident he can trust Riku as well, even if they're not as friendly. He's been on his best behavior, trying to bolster the budding alliance between him and these kids from the other side of the fence. Axel's never had much luck picking a side and sticking to it, but after hearing what the Organization has truly been up to, even the Cliff Notes version, has him thinking maybe it's time he anchored his feet on this side of the line in the sand after all.
He smiles a little at Roxas' question, pulling at the back of his neck awkwardly.
"We have been, sure," he says. "Sora is... well, Sora. You know how he is, he wants to be everybody's friend, so I feel like even if I hadn't already decided to throw my hat in with him he'd probably still have my back anymore." He gives a little sigh. "Riku's a harder nut to crack, but... while I'm not sure I can say we're buddies yet, I trust him not to stab me in the back, and I like to think he trusts me to give him a hand if he needs it." He meets Roxas' eye and looks a little sheepish. "I told myself, when I got here, that... you'd probably be disappointed in me if I wasted my Next Life not doing what I could to help out the people who are fighting the good fight for the right reasons," he said.
no subject
for a long time they'd been the opposte of allies. He understands now that Riku had been the imposter, skulking around the worlds dressed like one of them, and then there had been that rainy night outside the castle...
"I'm not disappointed. I wouldn't be," he says, and if he's not sure that's 100 percent true, it's close enough. "Even if you didn't. Cuz it's your next life. You decide what to do with it."
No more Organization, no more boss, no more threats of being turned into Dusks. No more striving for Kingdom Hearts in a quest no one completely understood. His gaze drifts to the ground, and once again he wishes they were high up, with so much more space to look into.
"I don't know what I think about Riku," he quietly admits after a moment. "I understand who he is now, and why he did what he did. I can't even say any of it was wrong." His left hand flexes, fingers spread and then balling up in a fist and back. "But he also took me to that man. He helped keep me in that town."
no subject
"Ah, lemme rephrase that," he says, shaking his head, and he looks a little embarrassed. "I more meant... I wanted you to be proud'a me. You know, for making the right choice for once."
And then the sentimental sheepish look is gone as Axel heaves a sigh and threads his hands together behind his head.
"Ahh, but if it's my life anyway," he says, flopping backward onto the bed dramatically, "then maybe I'll just swear off all this good guy baloney and take a nap for like a month. That sounds way more in line with my long-term goals."
He opens one eye and gives Roxas a grin that makes it obvious he's just messing around.
When Roxas gets quiet then and speaks of Riku, the playful posture vanishes and Axel sits upright, drawing one knee up and giving his friend a curious look. He's not surprised to see Roxas sort of working through his thoughts on Riku--Axel of all people knows that when you're on opposing sides, even if you don't really want to be, it can be complicated to acknowledge the actions of your opponents, however justified they may or may not have been. He actually makes a startled noise, though, when Roxas concludes his thought, and he reaches over to take the kid's shoulder.
"Wait, hold up," he says. "'That town', that fake Twilight Town?" he asks. "Riku is the one who dragged you into that mess?" Okay, maybe he still trusted Riku to not physically stab him in the back, but this news is deeply troubling. Axel had wondered how Roxas had wound up in DiZ's talons, but to think that Riku had been the one to hand him over made Axel's stomach twist with anger. "How the hell did that happen?" he asks, shaking his head. "I mean, you've kicked the asses of half the Organization--you tore Saïx up good on your way out--and Riku carted you off behind enemy lines?"
That isn't to say Axel doesn't respect Riku as a combatant--Riku's kicked his ass once or twice--but Roxas is about the strongest person he's ever met, and especially before Riku really got a handle on himself, it's hard to imagine the younger man taking Roxas out.
no subject
He'd meant what he said. He wants Axel to live his life and be free from others' expectations, all the way. But if this is how he sees it, then Roxas can't help but be glad. He already knew that he matters to Axel; he just didn't realize that what he thinks of Axel matters so much, too.
But all the warmth goes away when Axel sits up sharply, like Roxas told him something shocking instead of acknowledging an uncomfortable truth that wasn't a secret. Roxas thought he'd been doing the latter.
"Yeah," he says, blinking in surprise. "I thought you knew."
He doesn't know all the details of everything that had happened between Axel, Sora and Riku, here or back in their worlds, but he'd assumed that was something they all knew and had dealt with. And why not, if it was mostly DiZ's doing? Riku had been out to help his best friend, not to hurt him. It had just happened anyway. They should all be able to put it behind them.
It's just that some things are easier said than done.
"He came after me, to take me to Sora," he continues, remembering that night, the way he'd been confused about the stranger's motivations but not his crystal clear sense of purpose. "We fought. But he couldn't beat me. So he changed—he called the darkness and he wasn't him anymore, he looked like Xemnas' Heartless."
Xehanort's, he supposes, but Xehanort is a concept and a name, and had been neither of those things to him at the time. Roxas hunches over slightly, shoulders curling in. "The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed in Twilight Town, and everything I ever heard about Sora was just some weird dream I'd had," he says, quieter now. "They made me forget."
no subject
The way Roxas' expression falls at his reaction to the news makes Axel feel a little guilty (or at least remember guilt. He remembers guilt very well). He shakes his head and lowers his eyes.
"No, I didn't know," he says. "I mean I knew that something must have happened, because you'd never have gone to DiZ on your own, but I didn't know it was Riku." He gives him a weak smile. "You want I should beat him up for ya?"
He's kidding, and figures Roxas can tell that much. He and Riku aren't quite friends yet, he thinks, but there's a mutual respect and amicability, and ultimately, he knows that Riku's motivations couldn't have been too different from his own, when he'd kidnapped Kairi. They had both been willing to do something awful to someone else for the sake of their best friends, and while he couldn't say it was a laudable sentiment, he could at least relate to it.
"Ah, I had wondered why he looked like that creep," Axel says then, and gives a snort of laughter. "I met up with him a couple of times, after that had happened. He helped Naminé get away from DiZ, eventually, and I didn't recognize him the first time I saw him wearing that face. He told me his name was 'Ansem', and I just about died laughing." He shakes his head, still chuckling. "He couldn't have known that I actually knew Ansem and knew damn well he wasn't him, but it was hilarious in the moment."
The laughter dies quickly when Roxas folds in on himself, though, and Axel's chest aches for him at his words. He remembers very clearly the conversation he'd had with the kid once upon a time, about having things you couldn't bear to lose, how Roxas had confessed that losing his memories of him and--
--?
'And'? What 'and'? It had just been the two of them. Weird. Maybe he was still groggy from having been in stasis again.
As painful as it had been to find Roxas in that digital town and be treated like a stranger, Axel couldn't imagine what it must have been like for him to realize his entire life had been erased, and everything that he thought he knew was a lie. At least he'd gotten those memories back.
"I know, kiddo," he says, putting a hand on Roxas' shoulder again. "I was too angry at the time to really appreciate how awful that must have been for you, so I guess... sorry I just kind of exacerbated things, back then."
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Actually, there are even more reasons not to give in to the sorrow and pain and rage that still linger in his heart. He'd been desperate to wake Sora up, and Sora would be sad now, and it wouldn't do any good because Riku has literally changed since then and now—and Roxas doesn't hate him. In some ways, it would be easier if he did.
Axel's hand on his shoulder pulls him out of whatever reverie he'd sunken into, and he's grateful for that—a solid point of contact, something he knows for sure is real.
"It's okay," he says. "I'm sorry I didn't know you. Even though I was really mad at you when I left the castle the last time, I didn't want it to be forever. I guess part of me hoped you'd follow eventually. And I would never have wanted you feel forgotten. If it had been the other way around..."
What would that have been like? Axel the normal person with a normal life and normal friends, and not a single memory of the afternoons they'd shared on the clock tower, laughing and being silly and talking about everything and nothing. If Roxas had been the one forgotten? He'd have been devastated. Just in a different way than had happened for real.
"It felt real to me," he says after a moment. "It still does. I'm me again, I was even when I was in Sora's heart, but it's like it all happened in a dream once and I didn't forget it after I woke up."
no subject
He smiles a little and shakes his head then.
"It... it's okay, kiddo," he says. "I mean, yeah, it sucked, and I was hurt and angry about it, which was bizarre because I shouldn't have been able to be those things in the first place, so I was just kind of a mess, myself. Besides, it wasn't your fault." He stares at his hands and gives a wistful sort of sigh. "I wanted to follow you, I really did. And not in the creepy stalker way I wound up following you." He looks at him again. "The fact is, I knew so long as I was still there working for them, they'd send me after you instead'a someone else, because they knew if anybody could get through to you, it was probably me." He pauses a moment, then shakes his head again. "If I left to go with you, who knows what they might have been driven to do to try and get you back," he says. "I was nervous about what they'd do to me if I'd tried to leave, back then, but... I think I was more worried about what would happen to you if I wasn't there to be the one to go after you."
He gives him a mildly encouraging look.
"It was real, in a way," he assures him. "Even if the world itself was fake, the experiences you had there were real. Whatever you said and felt, it was real enough, I think." He nudges Roxas' shoulder. "Maybe one day, you'll get to go be those kids' friend for real," he says, and then looks at him very sternly. "So long as it doesn't cut into our hangout time too much."
no subject
It makes him happy to be certain that the good times they had up on the clock tower were real, not just two empty beings' imitation of friendship. But the heart that Roxas is sure he has aches at the way the Organization used it against them.
At least they still have it. They could leave this place and go back to Twilight Town today, if the storm hadn't taken it, and he'd have to start all over with the other people he remembers as friends.
"Maybe," he says, and it's nice to think about, even if he's not sure if it could really happen. "But you know it wouldn't. You're my best friend, no matter what."
Once, he'd thought they'd lost that. Now that he knows they haven't, he's determined to never let go of it again, no matter what world they're in.
no subject
He had been mostly joking with his jab, but Roxas' assurance makes him feel warm, anyway. After everything that tried so damn hard to come between them, here they still are: a little older, a little wiser (a little sorrier), but still best friends. For everything he's lost in his life--his home, his heart, his childhood friend--getting Roxas back now, and being given the chance to make up for all the stupid mistakes he made before, maybe it all really did accomplish something. He had never grieved for his home, for his family, for his heart, because in losing them, he'd lost his emotions as well. Even if he had wanted to grieve, he had been incapable--or at least impressionable enough to believe that was the case.
He reaches over and bumps the bottom of his fist against Roxas's shoulder, smiling more sincerely in that moment than he may have since the fall of Radiant Garden.
"Right back at'cha, partner."
Maybe Axel had simply spent so long caring about nothing at all, that it took losing the one important thing he'd found in twelve years to remind him of what it felt like to grieve in the first place. And maybe, just maybe, that had been enough for a change of heart, however absent or fledgling that heart may have been.