autumn red

[redweb]

Who: Natasha (redweb) & Open (ish)
What: Catchall for Intro stuff
When: September
Where: Probably mostly Olympia
Warning(s): None, will add if needed

[ooc: catchall for starters and where people can drop prompts for things we've plotted. That said, I'm always up for plotting, and if you want me to write something up or want to direct me to your top level, just poke my CR post / hit me up on Discord @ natalia_vdova#0150. Or natalia_vdova works too in a pinch.]

Comments

[redweb]

[It's a nice room that they find themselves in, certainly nicer than the outside would indicate, but that's frequently the way of these things. Or the other way around, depending on the poison.

And true to what she'd asked for, it is quiet. James sits on the sofa and she does as well, close without quite touching. Her posture isn't as stiff, easy as she settles against the plush pillows, turned so she can face him.

She debates between starting easy, dancing around the question that feels heavy between them, or jumping into the deep end and hoping neither of them drown.] James. Why didn't you tell me?

[She knows, or is fairly sure that she does, but she needs to hear him say it. Because they haven't really talked about it. She might have, in the aftermath of that kiss on the moon, if there hadn't still been things she needed to do, or if there had been time to breathe afterward.]

[deadthenred]

Tell you what?

[ He isn't playing dumb. He really is dumb.

And he runs through the possibilities, numbly. The Man on the Wall job? Her death and resurrection— but she couldn't know about that, he doesn't think, and he doesn't know how to put into words everything that happened to Steve.

That he'd been in Olympia before?

And then it falls on him the way that bricks ought to. ]

Oh.

[redweb]

[There's a look at the question, not that she thinks he's playing at it, but that he should be able to figure it out. And then it hits him, and her lips thin a little. Ah, there it is.

To his credit, he does get there, and it doesn't seem to take him too much effort to connect the dots to what she's asking. She takes a breath, looking over at him, meeting his brown eyes with her own sharp blue.]

I know you didn't want to hurt me.

[And she means it. If there's one thing she's sure of, it's that he wouldn't intentionally cause her pain. But she still needed- to hear him say it, to see it in his eyes. To know in more than just the pieces of her memory, something tactile and real.

There's a vulnerability to this, to admitting that it matters, but it's worth it.]

[deadthenred]

[ Bucky looks at her for a small second, but he can't hold her gaze. He wishes he could reach for her hand, but doesn't. ]

I tried. When— [ He doesn't like to say the name. ] After we stopped Novotkov, we tried… I tried, to make you remember me. [ It had been in between long debriefings, in the halogen light of the hospital ward, and he'd looked and looked but there'd never been any flash of recognition in her face. ]

SHIELD wanted to try something with machines, telepaths, but… [ He stops. ] But I realized I couldn't make you remember me. I could never make you do anything.

[ And he smiles, sad and crooked, like a boy who can't quite hit the bullseye at the state fair. He'd never wanted to hurt her, but he had: love was vulnerable, open as a wound. He could never make her do anything. ]

[redweb]

[She can't bring herself to tell him it was the wrong choice. Not here and now, at least. In truth there was no right choice and either way he'd have blamed himself. It should have been her choice to make, is the part of it that rubs her wrong. But it shouldn't have been something on his shoulders, either.

But the truth is that their lives aren't that clean.

So she sighs, but she looks at him, waits until he meets her eyes, and it's with empathy and not judgement. She's quiet for a long moment, and this time she's the one that looks away, and it still takes a moment before she speaks.]

It came back in pieces, slowly. Just this sense that something was missing. It was that night in Prague, when I realized what was wrong. I could feel the holes in my memory, but I didn't have the time to look into it then. But afterwards I did some digging, started putting pieces together. I kept a journal and tried to make sense of it all.

And then I sort-of threatened Clint into telling me what he knew. [There's a brief pause, a curl of her lips that's wry, and in the quiet she slowly places her hand against his. So here they are. She did mean it when she said she didn't need space, but finding the right words to say that on the end of the truth between them isn't as easy.]

I can't just step back in to what we were. But, if you were to ask me out sometime, I'd probably say yes.

[She needs something new. Memories that she hasn't had to tape back together like broken glass, and that glaring awareness that there's probably still things missing. Not what they were but what they can be.]

[deadthenred]

[ Clint. He'd been there when they were tracking down Leo, trying to save Natasha, who had a lot more friends than he did.

He still doesn't know what went on between them, when the world went crazy and everyone thought he was dead. But that hadn't happened for her, yet, right? He really hoped it wouldn't ever have to. Should he say something? ]

I'm sorry.

[ And he is, for all the harm he's ever brought her, and all the mistakes he's making even now. He breathes in. ]

But I'll probably take you up on that.

[ Not right this minute, though. The atmosphere's not right. ]

[redweb]

[He says he's sorry and she wishes she could help lift away the guilt, but she knows it's not that easy. Leo had accomplished that very well, if nothing else. He hurt him in all the ways that worked.]

I don't blame you for what happened.

[She knows she wont convince him that it's not his fault, so instead she instead offers that truth. That while she's sure that he blames himself, she doesn't. She might have suffered for what happened, but while Leo might have done it to her to hurt Bucky, that doesn't make him responsible.]

I'd like that.

[He's right that it's not the right moment for it, but she still has feelings for him. And she wants to see where they can go from here, it's just not as easy as it was a few years ago. Things have changed. All you can do is move forward.]

[deadthenred]

[ He smiles, lips curving just for a instant, like fireworks before they disappear.

But when he speaks next, it's back to business. He's gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing over the years, ]

Is there anything else you want to talk about?

[ About Olympia or Wyver, or something else back home. He's an open book, mostly. ]

I figure we can leave it there if you wanna, but I wanted to get at least that last tag

[redweb]

[Natasha isn't a slouch either when it comes to switching gears, putting the emotions and the feelings to the side in favor of talking about the work. For her it's maybe less compartmentalizing as it is just knowing when to push those things to the side.]

Well. Anything else you think I need to know?

[She's still trying to plot out this place, which angle to take. So she'll take whatever pieces of information he can give her. As far as back home goes, she can let it go for a moment or two. The only other question she really wants to ask is if any of her friends are awake, and she thinks he'd have told her.]