nysalogs | closed | finally enough mirrors for all the beautiful hair

[ He never has anything to channel all this anguish into. He just wants to be forgiven, he wants to be able to forgive himself, but he can’t do that without a word from Robb. It’s something that keeps eluding him again and again, time after time. He would rather be dead than go through this again.

He doesn’t want to be comforted. It won’t help. He merely stares at Claire’s hand with bloodshot eyes, refusing to take it. It won’t help. It won’t. ]

It doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters.

[He's stubborn, but she's always been able to match it. So, she keeps out her hand.]

Just come here.

[He'll only ever find comfort in Robb's forgiveness. He won't get it. Either because the damn boy keeps returning to stasis, or because Robb doesn't have it in his heart to give it. She knows Theon needs to be able to forgive himself to find any peace, but doing that without Robb's approval is going to be an undertaking.

As much as she wants to believe he can get there some day, the days like this cast some doubt.]

[ He’s another year older and that must mean another year of misfortune has been loaded onto his shoulders. The guilt is unbearable, and it never gets any better. He never knows how to handle it either. Right now, he just wants to rage and rip himself to shreds until he can’t feel anything anymore at all.

He can’t even bring himself to move toward Claire’s embrace. What has he done to deserve comfort anyway? It won’t help. ]

No.

[ He only shrinks away, toward the dogs who haven’t abandoned him. ]

Then may I sit next to you?

[She drops her hand, but won't move closer without permission. The last thing she wants is for this to escalate where she's always feared it might--he might not be in the peak of physical health, but he's still stronger than her. A good push from him might actually hurt, and she'd not want him to have to deal with that once he's calmed down.]

I'm not going away.

[Claire never does when he's like this.]

[ He doesn’t say no. He doesn’t say yes. He just leans against Alison, knowing that Claire is less likely to touch him if he’s touching the hellhound. He has no desire to push back against anyone. He just wants to pull away, the same as he always has. In his mind, it’s better to pull away. Pulling away creates distance and means he’s less likely to get hurt. ]

You can’t promise that.

[ She can’t promise that she’ll still be there in the morning. She can’t promise that she won’t go away like Robb or Maximus or Asha or Ramsay. She can only promise that she won't go anywhere right now. ]

[Claire sighs and does move closer, keeping an eye on the beast whose comfort he's chosen over hers. She sits beside him and ignores the urge to reach out and take one of his hands. This is enough, for now.]

Youre right. I'd never want to leave you, but I can't promise it. I couldn't promise it without the flaws of stasis, either. I could have a heart attack, be murdered, drown... any number of things.

[She knows what he's doing. He's tried to do it before.]

Pulling away from me won't help matters if I go back to stasis. I know you care about me, Theon. [He might not be accustomed to showing it, but he has, and it's meant the world to her.] I don't know what I'd do if it was you that went back because I can't stand to think about it, but I do know that I don't ever want to regret the time we do have together. So, I'm here.

[She lets out another soft breath as she looks at the sorry sight before her.]

And I'm so sorry about Robb. I know how much you were hoping for his forgiveness.

[ Alison won’t hurt him, but she does growl at Claire as she sits just a little too close to Theon. To alleviate the dog’s discomfort with the situation, Theon merely scoots closer to the hound, placing more distance between himself and Claire and making it so he doesn’t have to look her in the eye.

He hears what she’s saying, but he’s not really making much sense of her words. Yes, he does care about her, but he doesn’t see how pulling away won’t help matters. It’s what he’s always done, and he wishes he’d done it long ago in regards to Robb. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be spending his entire life waiting for forgiveness that will never come.

Talking about it won’t relieve anything, though. He merely curls up as small as he can against the dog, as though he’s back in the kennels at the Dreadfort, a white-haired starvling in need of warmth. ]

Why are you here?

[ It wasn’t to talk about Robb. ]

[That fucking dog. Having the power to heal easily makes Claire more tolerant of the threat Alison poses, but not by much. She remains where she is despite the near overwhelming urge to just grab Theon and bring him to her.]

I... I wanted to let you know I acquired a... mansion. [Too grand a word for her, she feels, but that's what it is. Not in the most pristine condition, but so much larger than where they are now.] In the noble district. It's huge. There's a bedroom, downstairs, with access to the garden in back. I thought you and the dogs would like that one. Hell, it could be their room and you could have another upstairs. There's so much space, really. Room for the horses, the dogs, for us...

I think it would be a new start.

Congratulations.

[ He doesn’t turn toward her, but his expression grows sharper and colder. Winterfell had felt empty without the Starks. Even when it was overrun by Bolton bannermen, it felt empty. He can only imagine how empty an enormous home is going to feel with only a handful of people wandering its halls.

He hadn’t wanted to move back into the small home he once shared with Sansa, Jon and Robb, but now their ghosts are all he has left. He doesn’t want to leave them. There are times he wishes he could be rid of them, when he wishes he never even met them to begin with, but he did. What would he do if he forgot their faces in the same way his mother’s face has slowly begun to elude him? He would be lost. More lost than he already is. ]

I can’t come with you.

Why not?

[She knows the answer, but asks anyway. It's never easy with him when it comes to living arrangements. It's much more like pulling teeth than actually pulling his teeth.]

[ He’s silent, not really wanting to explain how fond he’s grown of ghosts. He’s already certain he’s something of a madman. Why make it worse for himself? ]

I’m tired of moving to new homes.

[ And that is a secondary part of it. After all, this will be the fifth move in Olympia alone. It isn’t exciting for him; it’s just exhausting. ]

It would be the last. I'm sure you'd all like more space.

[Human and dog alike. With Claire free of any humans to comfort, Quiver seizes the opportunity and wiggles his way onto her lap. Absently, she scratches his ear.]

I can't go without you.

No.

[ He doesn’t feel cramped here.He’s used to it, thanks to Ramsay. Sometimes the room even feels a little too large. He has no idea how he came to feel more comfortable in a prison than a home. ]

Then you’ll have two empty homes to move between.

[ He can imagine Bree and Fergus are actually interested in moving house. ]

Has it really been that awful, living together?

[That's not it. She knows that, too.]

[ He sighs deeply, because he knows she knows that isn't what this is about. ]

Do you truly believe I would still be here if it has been?

[No. He'd have left long ago. Claire frowns, looking down at Quiver. She knows what the problem is.]

They're in stasis. Sansa, Jon, Robb... I'll always leave room for them, but this place was theirs. The mansion is ours, Theon. It will be good for us both to get away from the ghosts.

[Sometimes, when she catches Bree's back in the hall with her red hair down, she has to register that it's her. Not Sansa. Sansa's been gone for a long time.]

The mansion is yours. Leave this place to me and the ghosts.

[ He's grown fond of ghosts, perhaps because they haunt him everywhere he goes. They don't leave him like people do, and he doesn’t want to lose thee particular ghosts. What if they should never wake again? Their ghosts are all he has left. ]

I will pay you monthly.

Pay me?

[Oh, now he's done it. Her voice cracks on the words, and it hurts. She'd never make him pay her.]

Theon, please. I'm tired of always having to beg you to just... stay with me. Not the ghosts. I'm not a bloody Stark, and I can't forgive you for your mistakes, but I'm here.

[ He finally glances up with red-rimmed eyes, clearly puzzled and a little upset by the crack in her voice. Why should she be upset by his offer? It’s what adults this world do, isn’t it? He begrudgingly payed half of the rent when he lived with Ramsay, and Maximus merely took it out of his paycheck.

But that isn’t what it’s about, and he knows it deep down. He just doesn’t want to leave. ]

Someone else will live in this place.

[ Dance around the subject like a pro. ]

[Hardly. Claire sees what he's doing. She knows his habits.]

Whether you live here or not, it doesn't change anything. They're gone. And I'm not. You know it yourself that you've been doing so much better with me. If I left here you, alone, with the dogs... I know it sounds appealing to you, but you're wise enough to know that being alone isn't good.

[ Not yet, he thinks stubbornly. In his melancholy, it feels as though Claire will likely be the next to go. He doesn’t say as much. Of course he doesn’t. Why should he? He just strokes Alison and looks miserable. ]

You think I’m not capable of being alone.

[ Only because it’s true. ]

No.

[She promised she'd never lie to him.]

Not yet. It won't always be this way, Theon.

closed | finally enough mirrors for all the beautiful hair

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