honesty is such a lonely word

[hedonistic]

Who: Shuusei Kagari (hedonistic) & Juno Steel (stuns)
What: Feelings on a Ferris Wheel
When: during the carnival
Where: Khalo Village
Warning(s): it's a magical honesty ride so heavy themes are liable to come up. Violence, child abuse, ableism, and depression are likely topics.


[He spends one full evening at the stasis unit after he realizes she's gone. Just one. It's not his style to sit around and mope, and she wouldn't want him to, either. This place suits you, she'd said. And if nothing else, there was talk of a great distraction right nearby Wyver.

He can't quite bring himself to go alone, though, so one fine morning he turns up unexpectedly at Juno's doorstep as he does from time to time, like a stray cat. He pesters Juno to come do something fun with him, and maybe Juno's bored too, or maybe he senses the faint thread of desperation underlying his aggressively casual tone, but whatever the reason, the older man ultimately acquiesces, and off they go to the fairgrounds, where some well-meaning staffer insists they simply must try the Ferris Wheel and herds them into one of the compartments.

And once they're in motion, even Kagari's low spirits can't stand up to the slowly expanding view of the entire fairgrounds and surrounding forest. It'll look so cool when they're at the top. He looks over at his friend, suddenly possessed of an urge to talk.]

I always wanted to go to a festival, back in Japan. Heard so much about 'em. [He looks away again, back out the window. He looks distant, thoughtful, maybe moreso than Juno's seen him before.] What're they like on Mars? Are they kinda like this?

Comments

[stuns]

[ juno's not a fan of heights to begin with, so why he lets himself get herded onto this ride, he doesn't know and just settles on calling himself a moron. it's nothing new. he sits slumped slightly against the compartment, very pointedly ignoring the view by keeping his eyes on an eager kagari, who is incredibly chatty at this point. it's a little unusual, enough to make juno sit up just a bit, arms still folded loosely over his chest as he tries not to focus on the weightlessness of the ride. ]

Parties? I mean, it's the same idea. Lots of lights, lots of food, lots of dancing. Maybe a little more claustrophobic. [ he shakes his head ] Last time I went to a party, I was on a case for Valles Vicky so I can't say I had fun. The food was pretty decent, though.

[ he glances over at the window before looking at kagari again, deciding to shift forward a little more, even if it means getting a full view of how high up they're going. ] You ever been on one of these before?

[hedonistic]

Nah, I wish.

[He shrugs, pillowing his head against his arms as he leans against the back of the compartment.]

I don't remember if I ever told you, but Enforcers aren't allowed to go outside by themselves. An Inspector's gotta approve it if they wanna go somewhere, and they have to accompany 'em too. Gino-san was way too much of a stick-in-the-mud to take Enforcers out just for fun.

[He looks down, then, letting out a sudden huff of a laugh as he seems to realize something -- mirthless, but almost...sad more than bitter, for once.]

Akane-chan might've, though. I died a few weeks before New Years', so I never got to ask.

[...hmmm. That's more than he'd meant to say, but he chalks it up to the weird mood he's been in today. It's not like any of this is a secret, anyway.]

Who's Valles Vicky?

[stuns]

Yeah, you mentioned that. Wasn't sure if maybe, I don't know, someone took you to one or something.

[ but the place kagari's from doesn't seem like a place where people do things out of the goodness of their hearts. like most places. it'd be kind of stupid to think otherwise, huh? juno tilts his head a little bit as he listens, a question bristling on the tip of his tongue. it blooms, prickling and unsettled. ]

She's someone I owed a debt to after a bad time. Decent guy. Owns the Vixen Valley where I'm from.

[ he glances down at the floor of the compartment briefly before back up at kagari again. ]

How'd you die?

[ he's never asked before. it always seems like a touchy subject and it's never warranted asking but. god his skin is crawling to know. fuck this ride. ]

[hedonistic]

Damn, a whole valley? That's even richer than that Senguji asshole.

[He lets out a low whistle. That's kind of impressive. But he hesitates, at the question. He's talked about it before, relished in telling Masaoka the gory details when they'd had their fight, even, but -- it's different, in this situation. Kagari doesn't really like talking about these things when he's not trying to hurt someone, and he's slowly been feeling the need to less and less as time's gone on.

But once the question's asked, he can't really resist.]

Uh, I was disintegrated. [fuck, he hadn't meant to say it that bluntly.]

I mean-- [ah. once it's out, there's no softening it, it seems. the truth is the truth.] shit.

[There's something wrong here, he starts to realize, but it's like he can't focus on that thought, when there's a question in the air.]

You know that old movie cliche where it's like, [he imitates a deep, gravelly voice] you've seen too much? That was me. I saw something the government didn't want me to, so they had to get rid of me.

It's kinda funny, really. By Sybil's rules, the only people who can be executed have a crime coefficient over three hundred. They had to do a special override, just for me, and I wasn't gonna turn on them anyway.

[He'd just finished telling Makishima's henchman where he could shove his offer of alliance, even. He hated Sybil, but he had no interest in helping Makishima take it down.]

I wasn't gonna betray my friends.

[stuns]

[ it's not really a whole valley - it's just what she calls the place. valles vickey's vixen valley, she must be a sucker on alliteration or just a really good businessman. but juno's not going to explain it right now, not when he's posed a different question to kagari. one that might hurt, and maybe he's aware of it even after the words come out of his mouth, but there's something in him that wants to know. everything. he sits forward, elbows on his knees.

it's wrong, all of this, something on this ride just makes him fucking open his mouth and he hates it. ]

Yeah... yeah I know that one... people gotta stop using it. It gets real old real fast.

[ his mouth thins to a line as kagari finishes, and he looks... well. not pitying. juno hates pity, and he's pretty sure kagari hates it about as much as he does. so instead it's just understanding, a level gaze with a nod. ]

I get it. And you don't seem the type to just turncoat. From what you've told me, you care about 'em a hell of a lot. [ he nods ] You're a good guy, Kagari. [ not a kid. ]

[hedonistic]

[He always appreciates the lack of pity. The lack of judgment. Ever since that conversation in Nadril, Juno's been a solid presence in his life. One that's been safe and comfortable, supporting him without tearing up any of the foundations and attempting to build anew.

Thus far, Juno's ignored him any time he's tried to say he isn't a good person, and Kagari's never felt the need to press the point. But this ride is doing something to them, and he feels something ugly in his chest at being told something that's so opposite from what he believes about himself.]

No I'm not.

[He wants to say, you don't know anything about me, in a standard defensive maneuver, but the words don't come out. Juno does know, after all. He knows more about him than anyone else who's awake. He saw.]

I care about my friends, and that's it. I'm a selfish piece of shit otherwise, and I don't even want to change that. I'm not the kind of guy that chases down an unstable kid and promises them nothing's ever gonna hurt them again.

[stuns]

Don't be an idiot. You can be you and still be good. Nothing about you has to change. You caring about people? That's enough.

[ it wasn't that long ago, or was it? god it's been months, hasn't it. juno looks at kagari a moment before shaking his head. ]

But wow... I didn't think you'd remember that.

[ kagari hadn't brought it up again. and that's fine by juno. honestly, he doesn't need that sort of thing brought up again, or thanks for it. it's true. he promised he'd keep kagari safe, and he had, and he will. he's determined to do so probably because nothing else in that fucked up system wanted to keep him safe.

nureyev's words have always had a way of sticking, reminding him of his pointless name: a goddess of protectors, a guardian of sorts. ]

I meant it. [ the words come out, like they're forced out of him, brow knit a little as he looks down. ]

[hedonistic]

Of course I remember. I can't fucking sleep some nights thinking about it.

[...That's a confession that wrings out a set of colorful Japanese swears, if Juno knows enough to understand them. But he can't even stop there because this goddamn wheel keeps fucking spinning. He hates this ride. Figures his first goddamn Ferris wheel in his entire life would have some kind of bullshit attached to it.]

But you don't get it. I don't care about people, I care about my people.

[It's the big distinction, to his eye, between himself and the good people he's known. People like Akane and Linneus and Valjean, who would give a stranger the coat off their own back. People like Juno, who make promises to protect people who he barely even knows. Kagari would die for those he cares about, but getting there with him is no mean feat.]

[stuns]

[ the swears that kagari strings together are in such a jumble that juno only catches a few of them. but instead of maybe laughing at how caught up kagari is, his brows raise up just slightly and his hands work into the knees of his trousers almost uncomfortably so. ]

Yeah, well.

[ curling his fingers into his fists. ]

You care, Kagari. That's the point. You don't have to care about the whole goddamn world. No one asks you to care that much.

[ says juno, who cares caringly about the entirety of a city. of a planet. he realizes this, no matter how much he says he doesn't trust a city full of people drenched in neon. he knows that no one should care that much. but it doesn't stop it. ]

It's hard.

[hedonistic]

[Some part of Kagari realizes that this, right here...this is the one thing he's wanted more than anything his entire life--for someone to tell him it was okay to be who he was. That there wasn't something deeply, fundamentally wrong with him, nothing that ought to be different.

Ironically, now that it's right there, within his grasp, he can't put his hands around it. It feels like a trap, even though Kagari knows Juno would do no such thing. Something catches in his throat--fear, maybe, or something like it. After all, if there's nothing wrong with him, then that means he suffered for nothing, all those years. More than that, though, he just can't...believe it. Some things are just too good to be true.

He looks away from Juno again, back out the window.]

Sure, you can say that, but you do. When stuff happens, you're out there thinking like, how can I help? That's not me. You can't say there isn't a difference.

[stuns]

Kagari, I'm almost forty years old.

[ he's going somewhere with this. it hurts to say it, makes him feel old when he hardly ever thinks about it. birthdays fly like they're just another day on the calendar without meaning (they lost their meaning almost twenty years ago). ]

I don't have much anymore. I've screwed up too many times, ruined too many people's lives... [ why the hell is all of this coming out of him ] I want to help because I'm... tired of fucking up. I wanna do something good for once in my life. That's all I'm looking for before I get what's coming to me.

[hedonistic]

[Kagari pulls away from the window, then, finally looking Juno properly in the eye. He looks...frustrated? There's some kind of heat behind Kagari's eyes, but it's hard to place.]

So what, are you trying to say that you're not a good person, but somehow I am? 'Cause that's bullshit, Juno.

[He actually huffs, and it's not his typical sulky one. There's genuine annoyance in it.]

Almost everyone I know is a screw-up of some kind. But you're trying to be better. You want to be. You think the world's worth putting that good into. I don't.

[stuns]

See, now you're just putting words in my mouth.

[ but i'm not that great a person. it's true.

it's weird to see that kind of conviction and annoyance all at once in kagari's eyes. there's something almost helpless behind juno's - tired. tired of a lot of things. giving up is easy, he knows, and it'd be satisfying to all the people he's raised a stubborn middle finger to. ]

Regardless. You don't have to go and owe the entire world anything to... be a good person is what I'm saying. Got it? [ juno yr a fuckin hypocrite ]

1/2

[hedonistic]

[Something about that makes Kagari bark out a laugh. It's not a pleasant sound, nothing like when he's laughing cheerfully at jokes of questionable quality or just at Juno getting impatient or flustered with his shenanigans; there's an ugliness to it he's never really shown Juno--because he's never felt the need to. Juno's always shown him a sort of acceptance, if not maybe understanding, and Kagari's always appreciated that. But right now, he just feels sort of angry. Anger's not a difficult emotion for Kagari to access, of course; it's always there in some form, like the low buzz of appliances that you learn to tune out over time. But in El Nysa, it had faded far enough in the background that Kagari could almost forget it was even there, if he didn't look at it directly.

This ride isn't the only thing pushing those feelings to the forefront, but it certainly doesn't help.]

You're a bad liar, Ju-chan. Someone who thinks they're an okay person doesn't talk about "what's coming to them" that way.

[He grins, sharply. There's something challenging in it.]

Wanna hear a story? [No? Too bad because he's telling it anyway.]

Before the Storm came, there were these riots goin' on, in Japan. There's this fucker called Makishima, right, and he comes up with these helmets that can bypass the scans. Posts a video online of a person getting beaten to death, right in public. Everyone freaked out. All these safe, Sybil-approved citizens start tearing each other apart before someone else can get to them first. The whole city just lit right up like a powder keg from one little disturbance to their perfect, peaceful lives.

...I enjoyed it, you know. We got called out to deal with the mess, and it was fun to watch.

[hedonistic]

[The grin drops out of his expression, then, and he just frowns. That anger, again.]

So--if they can be good people, and I can be a good person too, then. There's no such fucking thing. The whole concept is just garbage.

[stuns]

[ the anger is something that juno can maybe relate to just a bit. being told he's a good person one minute, feeling like he's doing everything absolutely wrong in respect to what could be considered "good." he looks down at his hands, which throughout kagari's explanation - throughout his voice growing angrier and angrier, have curled into fists solidly. ]

Maybe it is bullshit. How's that?

[ there's a laugh, defeated. there's the optimist in juno, all hung out to dry, washed up on the shore of some kind of life-long doubt that's seeped into his lungs, water-logged him. a laugh that's tired and triumphant and... terrible. ]

Maybe it's just one four-letter word that we use to help people feel better. Some... weird unattainable thing that we strive for but can't actually... go and grab onto.

[ regardless. he shrugs. ]

Call me a fool [ oh those words ] but I still think you're a good person, Kagari. And maybe good doesn't mean you always make the right decisions or... do the right things. [ quieter ] Maybe it just means you try.

[hedonistic]

[Try what? he wants to demand. What does Juno think he's trying? He desperately wants to know what it is that Juno sees in him, because no matter how hard he looks, he finds nothing. Maybe he's not a monster, not someone who goes out and fucks with people and destroys them just because he can, but that shouldn't be enough to be a good person.

The anger tries to fan its own flames, but in the absence of oxygen it just...fizzles out. When Kagari looks down he just sounds defeated. Empty.]

That's kinda worse, isn't it? If it's all some fake-ass shit and people'll wreck themselves and each other over it.

[If goodness isn't really real, then why did he have to suffer the way he did? How can he reconcile that idea with the facts of Japan--its stunningly low crime rates, its relative peace and stability next to the wars that raged outside--all predicated on the fundamental worth of a person, objectively measured via cymatic scans?

He's always been angry at the Sybil System, and the society it upheld, but he's never believed it was wrong.]

I dunno, man. That sounds more like a way to justify our own shittiness, to me.

[And yet -- he can't really apply that sentiment to Juno, who's only ever shown him kindness. He sighs, and the sound is tired.]

...I don't think it's fake, Juno. I don't think I'm a good person. But you know what? I'm better than I was, before I met you.

[Before he woke up in El Nysa. Before he had the chance to be a person around good people who saw in him something like whatever Juno sees--people like Valjean, like Linneus.]

And for a guy that was supposed to be beyond rehabilitating, I guess that fucking means something.