honesty is such a lonely word

[hedonistic]

Who: Shuusei Kagari (hedonistic) & Juno Steel (stuns)
What: Feelings on a Ferris Wheel
When: during the carnival
Where: Khalo Village
Warning(s): it's a magical honesty ride so heavy themes are liable to come up. Violence, child abuse, ableism, and depression are likely topics.


[He spends one full evening at the stasis unit after he realizes she's gone. Just one. It's not his style to sit around and mope, and she wouldn't want him to, either. This place suits you, she'd said. And if nothing else, there was talk of a great distraction right nearby Wyver.

He can't quite bring himself to go alone, though, so one fine morning he turns up unexpectedly at Juno's doorstep as he does from time to time, like a stray cat. He pesters Juno to come do something fun with him, and maybe Juno's bored too, or maybe he senses the faint thread of desperation underlying his aggressively casual tone, but whatever the reason, the older man ultimately acquiesces, and off they go to the fairgrounds, where some well-meaning staffer insists they simply must try the Ferris Wheel and herds them into one of the compartments.

And once they're in motion, even Kagari's low spirits can't stand up to the slowly expanding view of the entire fairgrounds and surrounding forest. It'll look so cool when they're at the top. He looks over at his friend, suddenly possessed of an urge to talk.]

I always wanted to go to a festival, back in Japan. Heard so much about 'em. [He looks away again, back out the window. He looks distant, thoughtful, maybe moreso than Juno's seen him before.] What're they like on Mars? Are they kinda like this?

Comments

[stuns]

[ the swears that kagari strings together are in such a jumble that juno only catches a few of them. but instead of maybe laughing at how caught up kagari is, his brows raise up just slightly and his hands work into the knees of his trousers almost uncomfortably so. ]

Yeah, well.

[ curling his fingers into his fists. ]

You care, Kagari. That's the point. You don't have to care about the whole goddamn world. No one asks you to care that much.

[ says juno, who cares caringly about the entirety of a city. of a planet. he realizes this, no matter how much he says he doesn't trust a city full of people drenched in neon. he knows that no one should care that much. but it doesn't stop it. ]

It's hard.

[hedonistic]

[Some part of Kagari realizes that this, right here...this is the one thing he's wanted more than anything his entire life--for someone to tell him it was okay to be who he was. That there wasn't something deeply, fundamentally wrong with him, nothing that ought to be different.

Ironically, now that it's right there, within his grasp, he can't put his hands around it. It feels like a trap, even though Kagari knows Juno would do no such thing. Something catches in his throat--fear, maybe, or something like it. After all, if there's nothing wrong with him, then that means he suffered for nothing, all those years. More than that, though, he just can't...believe it. Some things are just too good to be true.

He looks away from Juno again, back out the window.]

Sure, you can say that, but you do. When stuff happens, you're out there thinking like, how can I help? That's not me. You can't say there isn't a difference.

[stuns]

Kagari, I'm almost forty years old.

[ he's going somewhere with this. it hurts to say it, makes him feel old when he hardly ever thinks about it. birthdays fly like they're just another day on the calendar without meaning (they lost their meaning almost twenty years ago). ]

I don't have much anymore. I've screwed up too many times, ruined too many people's lives... [ why the hell is all of this coming out of him ] I want to help because I'm... tired of fucking up. I wanna do something good for once in my life. That's all I'm looking for before I get what's coming to me.

[hedonistic]

[Kagari pulls away from the window, then, finally looking Juno properly in the eye. He looks...frustrated? There's some kind of heat behind Kagari's eyes, but it's hard to place.]

So what, are you trying to say that you're not a good person, but somehow I am? 'Cause that's bullshit, Juno.

[He actually huffs, and it's not his typical sulky one. There's genuine annoyance in it.]

Almost everyone I know is a screw-up of some kind. But you're trying to be better. You want to be. You think the world's worth putting that good into. I don't.

[stuns]

See, now you're just putting words in my mouth.

[ but i'm not that great a person. it's true.

it's weird to see that kind of conviction and annoyance all at once in kagari's eyes. there's something almost helpless behind juno's - tired. tired of a lot of things. giving up is easy, he knows, and it'd be satisfying to all the people he's raised a stubborn middle finger to. ]

Regardless. You don't have to go and owe the entire world anything to... be a good person is what I'm saying. Got it? [ juno yr a fuckin hypocrite ]

1/2

[hedonistic]

[Something about that makes Kagari bark out a laugh. It's not a pleasant sound, nothing like when he's laughing cheerfully at jokes of questionable quality or just at Juno getting impatient or flustered with his shenanigans; there's an ugliness to it he's never really shown Juno--because he's never felt the need to. Juno's always shown him a sort of acceptance, if not maybe understanding, and Kagari's always appreciated that. But right now, he just feels sort of angry. Anger's not a difficult emotion for Kagari to access, of course; it's always there in some form, like the low buzz of appliances that you learn to tune out over time. But in El Nysa, it had faded far enough in the background that Kagari could almost forget it was even there, if he didn't look at it directly.

This ride isn't the only thing pushing those feelings to the forefront, but it certainly doesn't help.]

You're a bad liar, Ju-chan. Someone who thinks they're an okay person doesn't talk about "what's coming to them" that way.

[He grins, sharply. There's something challenging in it.]

Wanna hear a story? [No? Too bad because he's telling it anyway.]

Before the Storm came, there were these riots goin' on, in Japan. There's this fucker called Makishima, right, and he comes up with these helmets that can bypass the scans. Posts a video online of a person getting beaten to death, right in public. Everyone freaked out. All these safe, Sybil-approved citizens start tearing each other apart before someone else can get to them first. The whole city just lit right up like a powder keg from one little disturbance to their perfect, peaceful lives.

...I enjoyed it, you know. We got called out to deal with the mess, and it was fun to watch.

[hedonistic]

[The grin drops out of his expression, then, and he just frowns. That anger, again.]

So--if they can be good people, and I can be a good person too, then. There's no such fucking thing. The whole concept is just garbage.

[stuns]

[ the anger is something that juno can maybe relate to just a bit. being told he's a good person one minute, feeling like he's doing everything absolutely wrong in respect to what could be considered "good." he looks down at his hands, which throughout kagari's explanation - throughout his voice growing angrier and angrier, have curled into fists solidly. ]

Maybe it is bullshit. How's that?

[ there's a laugh, defeated. there's the optimist in juno, all hung out to dry, washed up on the shore of some kind of life-long doubt that's seeped into his lungs, water-logged him. a laugh that's tired and triumphant and... terrible. ]

Maybe it's just one four-letter word that we use to help people feel better. Some... weird unattainable thing that we strive for but can't actually... go and grab onto.

[ regardless. he shrugs. ]

Call me a fool [ oh those words ] but I still think you're a good person, Kagari. And maybe good doesn't mean you always make the right decisions or... do the right things. [ quieter ] Maybe it just means you try.

[hedonistic]

[Try what? he wants to demand. What does Juno think he's trying? He desperately wants to know what it is that Juno sees in him, because no matter how hard he looks, he finds nothing. Maybe he's not a monster, not someone who goes out and fucks with people and destroys them just because he can, but that shouldn't be enough to be a good person.

The anger tries to fan its own flames, but in the absence of oxygen it just...fizzles out. When Kagari looks down he just sounds defeated. Empty.]

That's kinda worse, isn't it? If it's all some fake-ass shit and people'll wreck themselves and each other over it.

[If goodness isn't really real, then why did he have to suffer the way he did? How can he reconcile that idea with the facts of Japan--its stunningly low crime rates, its relative peace and stability next to the wars that raged outside--all predicated on the fundamental worth of a person, objectively measured via cymatic scans?

He's always been angry at the Sybil System, and the society it upheld, but he's never believed it was wrong.]

I dunno, man. That sounds more like a way to justify our own shittiness, to me.

[And yet -- he can't really apply that sentiment to Juno, who's only ever shown him kindness. He sighs, and the sound is tired.]

...I don't think it's fake, Juno. I don't think I'm a good person. But you know what? I'm better than I was, before I met you.

[Before he woke up in El Nysa. Before he had the chance to be a person around good people who saw in him something like whatever Juno sees--people like Valjean, like Linneus.]

And for a guy that was supposed to be beyond rehabilitating, I guess that fucking means something.