honesty is such a lonely word

[hedonistic]

Who: Shuusei Kagari (hedonistic) & Juno Steel (stuns)
What: Feelings on a Ferris Wheel
When: during the carnival
Where: Khalo Village
Warning(s): it's a magical honesty ride so heavy themes are liable to come up. Violence, child abuse, ableism, and depression are likely topics.


[He spends one full evening at the stasis unit after he realizes she's gone. Just one. It's not his style to sit around and mope, and she wouldn't want him to, either. This place suits you, she'd said. And if nothing else, there was talk of a great distraction right nearby Wyver.

He can't quite bring himself to go alone, though, so one fine morning he turns up unexpectedly at Juno's doorstep as he does from time to time, like a stray cat. He pesters Juno to come do something fun with him, and maybe Juno's bored too, or maybe he senses the faint thread of desperation underlying his aggressively casual tone, but whatever the reason, the older man ultimately acquiesces, and off they go to the fairgrounds, where some well-meaning staffer insists they simply must try the Ferris Wheel and herds them into one of the compartments.

And once they're in motion, even Kagari's low spirits can't stand up to the slowly expanding view of the entire fairgrounds and surrounding forest. It'll look so cool when they're at the top. He looks over at his friend, suddenly possessed of an urge to talk.]

I always wanted to go to a festival, back in Japan. Heard so much about 'em. [He looks away again, back out the window. He looks distant, thoughtful, maybe moreso than Juno's seen him before.] What're they like on Mars? Are they kinda like this?

Comments

[hedonistic]

[The grin drops out of his expression, then, and he just frowns. That anger, again.]

So--if they can be good people, and I can be a good person too, then. There's no such fucking thing. The whole concept is just garbage.

[stuns]

[ the anger is something that juno can maybe relate to just a bit. being told he's a good person one minute, feeling like he's doing everything absolutely wrong in respect to what could be considered "good." he looks down at his hands, which throughout kagari's explanation - throughout his voice growing angrier and angrier, have curled into fists solidly. ]

Maybe it is bullshit. How's that?

[ there's a laugh, defeated. there's the optimist in juno, all hung out to dry, washed up on the shore of some kind of life-long doubt that's seeped into his lungs, water-logged him. a laugh that's tired and triumphant and... terrible. ]

Maybe it's just one four-letter word that we use to help people feel better. Some... weird unattainable thing that we strive for but can't actually... go and grab onto.

[ regardless. he shrugs. ]

Call me a fool [ oh those words ] but I still think you're a good person, Kagari. And maybe good doesn't mean you always make the right decisions or... do the right things. [ quieter ] Maybe it just means you try.

[hedonistic]

[Try what? he wants to demand. What does Juno think he's trying? He desperately wants to know what it is that Juno sees in him, because no matter how hard he looks, he finds nothing. Maybe he's not a monster, not someone who goes out and fucks with people and destroys them just because he can, but that shouldn't be enough to be a good person.

The anger tries to fan its own flames, but in the absence of oxygen it just...fizzles out. When Kagari looks down he just sounds defeated. Empty.]

That's kinda worse, isn't it? If it's all some fake-ass shit and people'll wreck themselves and each other over it.

[If goodness isn't really real, then why did he have to suffer the way he did? How can he reconcile that idea with the facts of Japan--its stunningly low crime rates, its relative peace and stability next to the wars that raged outside--all predicated on the fundamental worth of a person, objectively measured via cymatic scans?

He's always been angry at the Sybil System, and the society it upheld, but he's never believed it was wrong.]

I dunno, man. That sounds more like a way to justify our own shittiness, to me.

[And yet -- he can't really apply that sentiment to Juno, who's only ever shown him kindness. He sighs, and the sound is tired.]

...I don't think it's fake, Juno. I don't think I'm a good person. But you know what? I'm better than I was, before I met you.

[Before he woke up in El Nysa. Before he had the chance to be a person around good people who saw in him something like whatever Juno sees--people like Valjean, like Linneus.]

And for a guy that was supposed to be beyond rehabilitating, I guess that fucking means something.