nysalogs | i saw you hanging from a tree (closed)

Entry tags:

i saw you hanging from a tree (closed)

Who: Caleb Widogast (

breadmuffs) & Mollymauk Tealeaf (

mollymocked)
What: The aftermath of a friend falling back asleep
When: just before the latest event
Where: Thesa Station and Olympia
Warning(s): posssssibly descriptions of panic/anxiety attacks

[It had been several days since either Molly or Caleb had seen or heard from Nott. It would have been normal behavior from the tiefling, but it is definitely not normal behavior for her. The first day Caleb had been mildly concerned but not enough to send her more than one message through the communication device. Of course the business with the forest comes to mind, but that'd all been sorted out.

The second day comes and goes without any sign of her, and that's when Caleb starts getting fidgety. He sets out to look for her, poking his head into taverns where he knows she has frequented before. But no one has heard from her. He leaves messages for her through the device and frets.

The third day, Molly promises to keep an eye out for her while he's out doing his business. Caleb...can't leave it at that. He sets out to Nadril. As loathe as he is to use their technology to access the station above he......has a sinking feeling. She wouldn't leave him like this for days, not without getting word to him somehow. The fact that she hasn't means that she's in trouble or--

He doesn't want to go up to the station. But he does. He doesn't want to step foot in those cavernous series of rooms, with their quiet inhabitants. He does. He already knows where Jester is, where Beau and Yasha and Fjord are. He....can't remember where he saw her, the time he saw her. She should be with them if she has to be here. They should keep them together, they're a group.

Caleb's chest is tight as he searches. Sick hope wars with even sicker fear as he moves from room to room. If she's not here then good, but if she's not here then where is she.

Finally-- she's-- there's a hint of--

...He fumbles with clumsy fingers for his communicator, fails several times to press the right buttons, finally makes the damn thing work so that he can call down to the planet below.]

Mollymauk.

[His voice is ragged, hoarse.]

She is- she is here. Asl-- asleep.

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[Molly doesn't like the station and he's made that perfectly clear a thousand times over. Like Nott and water, it doesn't feel right to him. He likes his feet on the ground and he likes open sky and air and safety. Up there feels like you're trapped in a tomb, and as a person who has crawled out of a makeshift one... No thank you.

And yet, he goes up there when Caleb calls him so quickly, he might as well be Hasted. He traces the steps through that horrible chamber with its sleeping persons until he finds the familiar red of Caleb's hair and his raggedy coat and while the polite thing to do is give him space, Molly is so heartsick at the sight of Nott sleeping while Caleb stares, wide awake and looking rough that he can't help but bridge the gap and wrap his arms around him.

As much as he made snide remarks about Nott and Caleb being two halves of a whole and that not being healthy at all, seeing them forcefully separated like this is wrong. His grip is loose, capable of being jerked away from if Caleb really does deign to take his space, but this is how Molly begins to comfort people... and take his own comfort. After all, Caleb isn't the only one who lost someone- Molly is missing her too. She's safe, but she might as well be in the Feywild for as much as it will do them.]

It's fucking unfair, isn't it?

[By the time Molly has made his way up to the station and located Caleb, he's long since sunk to his knees in front of Nott's sleeping form. He's staring at her, but he's...stopped entirely seeing her.

He doesn't hear Molly coming, either, doesn't register his presence until there are arms around him and he jerks with the contact. Not out of distaste, but out of sheer surprise. In the seconds afterwards, he holds himself stiff in Molly's embrace.

For a few moments, before he slumps into it. He rarely particularly enjoys physical contact, but his need for comfort in this moment overpowers his general inclination to hold himself apart.

Molly's comment is answered with a jagged-edged laugh, something almost involuntary.]

Is anything about our situation here fair?

[Caleb doesn't deserve fair anyway. But Nott deserves...more than forced unconsciousness. So no, it isn't fair.]

[Without letting go of Caleb's shoulders, Molly shifts his legs from up underneath him so that they're fanned on either side and Caleb is boxed in in every way but straight ahead by his body. It has the effect of being swaddling without being suffocating.]

The part where we didn't die when... whatever happened to Exandria happened? I thought that was a pretty fair deal, even after all the shite this place gave us. [That was a rhetorical statement- he knows, and so he presses on.

Because if there's one thing Molly is good at, it's not thinking about what can't be changed and what they can't do anything about.] So I guess it's just us now. That's gonna be Interesting, since Nott was sort of a buffer. We're probably going to irritate each other now.

[Molly's response is logical and Caleb is absolutely not ready for logic just quite yet. Even the subject he moves on to...Caleb is sure it's true. He's become more used to having more of Molly's attention. Even now, the fact that the tiefling is wrapped around him is not as uncomfortable as it should be. (Though that is also his distress talking.)

But just the two of them...he is still probably the least comfortable with Molly out of all the Nein.

But--]

Maybe. [It's muttered.] Maybe it doesn't matter. After all, perhaps you will be sent back to sleep tomorrow. Perhaps I will.

[He sounds...just faintly on the verge of hysteria.]

Hey, hey... Shhh. None of that. [Molly's horns get in the way of almost anything affectionate he could do here that isn't entirely Too Much, so he settles for bumping his forehead against the back of Caleb's head.] Just breathe. We're in a terrible situation and all we really have is each other and a handful of people who aren't- [He doesn't even know how to put this properly. He values the people he's met here- truly he does, but they're not the same. They're not family the way the circus was, the way the Mighty Nein are becoming. He hisses.] It's different with them. So I need you to stay with me, okay?

[In for a fucking copper. He might as well be a little raw and honest. It takes him a second to collect himself and then he's off and running.] I can't be alone, and given everything I know of you... I know you really shouldn't be. And I know we can't control this and it could all come to nothing in a day's time, but I'm not gonna abandon you intentionally for anything. Can I expect the same from you? Even if you might find me extremely unbearable sometimes?

Edited 2019-02-21 06:09 (UTC)

I don't...want to be alone.

[It's a disjointed answer to all of what Molly just said, but at the same time it is something of an answer to his question. Molly is asking him to make sure that they stick together, as if it isn't something that Caleb desperately needs. To have something familiar to hang onto. To not be wandering alone in the woods anymore.

One of his hands lift slowly to grasp Molly's arm where it's wrapped around him. The grip is tight, maybe even bordering on painful. For all that Molly is trying to calm him down, it's...rough going. He does try to breathe the way the tiefling tells him to, but--

Before her, he'd been so lonely and scared and hungry. The reminder that all of that could be taken from him at any moment is terrifying. He doesn't know whether he wants to cling to Molly as tightly as he can or...

To push him away, to take the pain on his own terms. It might be easier. It's what he deserves.

In the moment, though, he just holds on a little more tightly, his breathing still an unsteady thing.]

[Molly winces a bit at the pain, but pain is grounding. Pain keeps you present in the moment, and while he tends to be more grounded in the present than most, he is not in an ideal situation and it's hard not to drift into the what-ifs and could-bes that plague other people. If it happens, it happens. There's no stopping it, and no need to fear it before it happens.

All Molly can do right now is make sure Caleb is aware that they're promising each other something inasmuch as one can promise anything in these circumstances.]

Then you won't be. Simple as that. [He kisses him on the back of the head.] Tell me when you're ready to leave and I'll get you back.

I...

[He's torn. On the one hand, he can't stand to stare at her, senseless in the pod above him. It's agonizing. He doesn't want to think of her this way. On the other hand, he feels as if he owes it to her.

(Caleb isn't sure that Nott would want him agonizing over her like this. But she isn't here and he'll do what he wants.)

For a little while longer, he doesn't answer, just tries to do as Molly suggested earlier and breathe. At some point, he closes his eyes which makes it a little bit easier to not panic.

"A little while longer" lasts minutes, handfuls of them, until finally his grip on Molly's arm loosens by increments and his hand falls to his side. He slumps even more heavily backward. If that's possible.]

Let's go.

[Caleb just sounds tired now.]

[Silence is not Molly's preferred element, but he endures it because some moments are just built for them. He waits patiently, makes a few silent prayers to the Moonweaver as if she can hear him from such a great distance, and then when Caleb slumps against him, he helps him get to his feet by his armpits without question. He's made it his duty to nursemaid Caleb through this grieving process and will carry it through to its conclusion.] All right, all right. We'll get you to a bed, then. You sound like you could use one.

[Caleb does help as Molly pulls him to his feet, though he makes no real effort to do it on his own at all. Once he's up, though, he steps - staggers - away for a few steps and then just...stops. Again.

He isn't functioning well.]

[Molly is patient and hovers for a few moments, just waiting to see if he needs to catch his bearings, and when he fails to move after a certain time, he gives him a gentle headbutt.] I know, I know. There's time for that later, though. We need to be somewhere safer.

[This place isn't safe. It's full of bad feelings and an unsettling atmosphere. Feet on the ground away from all the reminders of what they don't have- that's what they need.]

[The headbutt does get him moving, at least, and he manages to make it the rest of the way to the teleporters without Molly needed to prod him too much. To the teleporters, back down to Nadril, onto the train, back home...

He moves, but in a way that's halfway to catatonic. Getting verbal responses takes a bit of effort, since he keeps zoning out. He doesn't try to lean against Molly, but he also doesn't make much of an effort to disengage with any physical contact Molly initiates

When they're finally home, he makes his way to the door of the room he and Nott share and that's...when he stalls out again. One of her little stolen trinkets on a table catches his eye and he just...stops to stare at it a little blankly. Chest heaving, though.]

[Molly's content to just be support. He may be constantly in Caleb's face, but he's also best friends with an introvert, so he knows how to guide through the quieter, traumatic moments. Yasha's had her times when she checked out and reality pressed down on her and he'd just let himself be comfortable in silence even when it was always so oppressive and bleak. Sometimes people need it, and he's too empathetic, even for a self-centered person, to not let it happen.

So he's quiet and present and acts as a stabilizing, grounding influence in any way he can, squeezing Caleb's hand to snap him back into being present in the moment when he drifts too deep into his own head. By the time they've reached their little hovel that's not quite a home, he's worn out from the effort of keeping Caleb afloat, but he still can't leave him.]

It's gonna be rough for a bit. [He reaches out to touch him again, but he's not sure if he's going to start crying or panic, so he holds his position without actually making contact.] I...

[He's never really coped with loss, has he? He only knows how he consoled Toya and he can already tell he's parroting back exactly what he told her when he held her in his arms and carried her away from Klyre's body and sheltered her from the mutilated head of her fallen friend who'd turned on them all. In some ways that was easier. At least Kylre had been a traitor and a rule breaker who had nearly gotten them all killed. Nott hadn't done anything to deserve this. The only reason he isn't breaking down is because he's done everything he can to stave off the loneliness of not having a group he can pull in when he needs the support. He still has them. Caleb's bad at connections- Nott was everything.

He always did feel the most alone when the two of them were in the room. That's why he had to reach out in the first place, and now that Nott's gone and they're back in the space they used to share, the chasm is wider than ever. Gods, he hates this. Being the rational one, the stable one, the one who looks at this as a sad inevitability, and something he won't linger on tomorrow, because he can't. And here's Caleb, locked in one position.

Molly swallows, and his tail swishes anxiously behind him.] D'you want me to leave you alone?

[Caleb hasn't cried in a long time. Since he was a child, really. He has done many other things in response to bad situations. He has felt like he's drowning, like he's dying, he has gone numb, he has lost time. He hasn't cried and there's no real danger of that happening now. Although...panicking....now, that's a little more likely.

In all honesty, he barely hears Molly's aborted attempt at consolation. He hears the question, but it feels impossible to answer. Does he want to be alone? He doesn't, he really doesn't but he also finds it almost impossible to tell Molly that.

But...he does need to say something, doesn't he? Caleb opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.]

...I...do not think you will find me a good companion just now.....

[It's the closest he can get to any sort of answer. Not a yes, not a no, putting it all back on Molly's shoulders to decide. It's not a good answer but then Caleb isn't a good man anyway.]

You're very rarely good company. [The response is automatic, though muted, because as much as it feels like sarcasm and a tiny bit of levity, it doesn't really sound like it when it comes out. The moment's a little too solemn even for his brand of diffusing a situation.

And if Caleb won't tell him no, then he's going to assume it's a yes. With a little more resolve, he steps closer and hooks his arm around Caleb's, guiding him towards the bed, so he can sit down at the very least.] I'll stay. It's better than leaving you alone like this.

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i saw you hanging from a tree (closed)

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