nysalogs | closed | it's my whole heart deemed and delivered a crime

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outlander: claire fraser

closed | it's my whole heart deemed and delivered a crime

Who: Claire Fraser (

stripebacked)
What: Catching him up on her timeline.
When: Now...ish??
Where: Flona Cove.
Warning(s): Outlander spoilers, graphic discussion.

[They take the train out to Flona Cove early in the morning. It's a little early to drink, but with their first class tickets, Claire takes advantage of the free alcohol. She's quiet--a thing she's been of late with Jamie. Too much weighing on her mind, too much guilt for not speaking the truth, and it's today after a conversation with Peggy that Claire knows she needs to tell him everything. So, she tells him she'd like to have a picnic at the beach. Spend time together away from the city and enjoy the sand without there being a number of people around.

She does her best to act herself but she's always been a terrible actress. Especially with Jamie. The drink does little to soothe her nerves and she spends most of the ride staring out the window and speaking only when spoken to.

They travel up the beach some ways away from the harbor before setting out the blanket and basket Claire's brought along. Once their shoes are kicked off and they're sitting, she simply looks over at him. He's so young. He seems younger with each passing day.

She wants to remember this. He might hate her or be terrified or any number of things but she knows she can't go on much longer hiding so much from him.]

Jamie?

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[ That pleases him. To have a boy. A son. He's always wanted a child. Wanted to be a father. The fact that he gets to with Claire is wonderful. Even if the child isn't theirs by blood. He's theirs. His boy who tries to take after Jamie. He's not angry with her for keeping quiet about this. It is quite a bit of information.

For a moment he's angry with Dougal. But he cannot let it control this moment. Not when he hears that his sister is safe. And married to Ian? Though he supposes if it had to be anyone he would prefer Ian. Even after everything in Paris. Ian's a good man. Apparently one who loves his sister quite a bit. Three children? ]

I s'pose if anyone were to look after her I'd want it to be a man like Ian.

[ Though now he feels dreadful for not asking for them to be saved. Her children and Ian. ]

Claire. [ His face falls. ] I damned them.

What? What are you talking about?

[She's surprised. Her hand gives his another squeeze before she pulls it closer so she can clasp it atop her knee.]

They had a good life at Lallybroch. [And he was in the fight to make sure their way of life wasn't annihilated by the British. The Storm came instead.]

And now, they're asleep in the pods, just like you were. You woke up. You came back to me. [Missing a few years, but. He's here.] They'll wake up, too.

They're here are they?

[ That comes as a relief. To know that Claire was good enough and cared for them enough to ask for them. Though he's not sure why he would ever doubt her. She's a good woman. Of course she'd make them apart of the deal as well. They'll get to live on when they awaken. ]

I thought--I had only asked for Jenny. I dinnae ken 'bout the bairns or Ian.

[ Well, he asked for Murtagh. ]

Ye saved them, Claire.

[She doesn't really deserve his gratitude, but she doesn't deny it. Or take it, for that matter--she simply trudges on, because if she doesn't, she'll never do it.]

I want you to know that we've been through a lot. But no matter what, I was there--I tried to be there. [Paris taught her she could have been better in handling the aftermath of Wentworth. In handling Randall.] I loved you, always. I will love you always. Nothing ever changed that.

[Even when she hated him, she loved him.]

[ It seems though that she's getting closer to something she doesn't want to speak of. Something that's likely done a terrible thing to them. He's no fool in the ways of Claire. She's trying to soften whatever is coming. She's trying to remind him of her love for him. Whatever she's got to share must be something terrible. ]

I love ye too, mo nighean donn.

[ He takes her hand this time. Lifting the back of it to his lips to press a kiss there. ]

Always.

[She hopes it's always.]

Before we went to Paris, you were captured by the English. They took you to Wentworth prison. Jack Randall was there.

[He'll remember telling her about the flogging, but not in such detail as he did at Lallybroch.]

You've told me about him. Everything about your time at Fort William.

[His father's death, and Randall's "offer" that Claire sincerely doubt he'd honor had Jamie agreed.]

[ Captured? Again? He cannot imagine how that went over. He can hardly fathom having to stay another day in the English's hands. Let alone the hands of Black Jack Randall. A chill runs down his spine and his jaw locks. It's not intentional, but Randall tends to bring this out in him.

He's following her. Though it takes him a moment for him to completely catch on. To realize what she's hinting at. He told her about how Randall wanted him. Wanted his way with his body. Part of him does not want to connect it, but the other part can't seem to stop. ]

Tell me what happened, Claire.

[ His voice is a little sharper. None of it aimed at her. All at Randall. ]

[This is what she was dreading. For a moment, she thinks she might be sick, but she swallows it back and forces herself to look at him. She owes him this. This truth, her strength. She'll have to be strong for the both of them in this.]

Randall tortured you. [Maybe no surprise given how he enjoyed the flogging. Claire grasps his hand tighter, lifting it so it's displayed between them.] Murtagh and I tried to get you out. I made it to your cell, and I saw some of what he did to you. He crushed this hand with a hammer. Put a nail through it. That's how I knew something was different when you found me here. I was able to fix your hand, but it did still pain you at times. There were scars. [She traces lines on his middle and ring finger, and then turns his hand to touch the center of his palm where the nail had gone through.]

In order to assure my safety, you... you let Randall do what he would with you, Jamie.

[Not only does she feel nauseated, but dizzy. Her teeth clamp down on her tongue to stop herself from saying more. He'll need a moment.]

[ It does not surprise him very much that Randall tortured him. Torture he could endure. But his face does seem to go darker when she talks about her and Murtagh trying to free him. Likely a foolish move. Randall would never let Jamie go so easily. As much as he believes in Murtagh it would have been too much.

That all does make sense. How strange she had been with his hands when he arrived. She could barely stop herself. Constantly holding his hands. Keeping that one close. It's probably strange for her to see it not mangled. Functional.

Pieces seem to keep sliding into place. She's told him things just through word selection. Randall discovers her trying to rescue him. In order to ensure her safety out he had to let himself submit to Randall. Probably something the man was gleeful about. But at least he knows Randall didn't get his hands on Claire. They got him out. Not telling when though. She was able to salvage his hand. Which indicates he left Randall's company and the cell.

But she doesn't have to say the rest. The picture she paints with the last bit is enough. Letting Randall do what he wanted. He's known exactly what that man has wanted. To bugger him. He shuts his eyes and turns his head away. He doesn't withdraw his hand. He just stills. ]

Ye dinnae have to say anymore, Claire. I get it.

[He'd have to give a pull to get his hand back, anyway. She's holding it so tightly her knuckles are white.]

There's more. [Fine. Might as well get it out now, do her damage, then deal with the fallout.] I found out I was pregnant during that time. Once you were well enough, we set off to France. [To change history. God, what a mess that was. Paris was hell.]

She was born dead. I was--I was close to the mother superior at the church where she's buried. She baptized her and named her Faith. [Jamie's a religious man, she knows it means something to him that their child be buried in hallowed ground.] Faith Fraser.

[There's more to it of course. That duel with Randall and what he did to Fergus. Sleeping with the king. Letting him stay in the Bastille for months because she was so angry. But the knot in her throat hurts too much to speak around.]

[ He's not sure how there could be much more. Especially after Randall. He can only hope that maybe he was given the chance to kill the man. To finally put the demons in his mind to bed. He's not sure how he would have done after that. Especially if he was stuck in Randall's clutches for an extended period. He cannot imagine that Randall wasted a single second with Jamie as his disposal.

But she carries on. Talking of something that hits him hard in the chest. Feels like his very heart is tightening. Like it's quite literally breaking. To know that he had another child. A bairn that was born already on death's door. Breaks his heart to know he'll one day lose a child. That Claire will one day have to endure it.

He doesn't seem to have words. It's a small comfort to know she was baptized and given a name before laid to rest. Faith Fraser. ]

Was she a bonnie lass? Like her mother?

[And even after that, he has something sweet to say. She's waiting for the anger and the disgust and the hurt, but there's only this: Jamie asking about his daughter.]

Yes. [It's a whisper almost lost in the sound of the ocean waves.] The most beautiful thing in the world.

[ He doesn't want to talk about Randall. He doesn't want to discuss what he did to him and how it potentially would one day make him feel. He has no desire to hear about Paris really or how he coped. Bodily harm is of no bother. It can be repaired typically. He imagines the hand didn't plague him as much as the memory of Randall. He can cope with that potentially. But what he wants to know about most is his daughter. That's all that's truly important. ]

Good then.

[ His little girl. He can only hope that beyond this great big black sky and all the stars that shine that she's happy. That she's healthy and happy. His Faith. ]

And ye've been holding all this in since I woke up?

[ It's quite a bit to carry. He could be angry about her not telling him, but there's another part of him that can understand why she wouldn't. But she did tell him. He imagines it took quite some time to find the courage and the stomach to lay all this out for him.

Jamie reaches up with his eyes opening and puts a hand behind her head. He pulls Claire into his arms and holds onto her. ]

I'm sorry ye had to hold all that in, Claire.

[ He's not a daft fool. This is why she's been keep her distance as well. She's likely felt awful about lying. Or neglecting to tell him the full truth. Whatever this is. He's not certain. ]

[That'll do it. He's not angry. He's anything but that, and she's stiff for only a second in his arms until she deflates and weeps. It's a relief. To have told him, to have him not be upset. It's not everything--oh, she'll mention the time travel business shortly, but in the end none of that mattered, did it?]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I've been acting so strange. [She couldn't let him sleep with her when she was hiding so much of what happened to him.]

[ He's not sure why he'd be angry. He knows she did not do it to hurt him. If anything she was trying to spare him. Likely looking a man she didn't recognize. A man that wasn't shaped by such tragedy and loss. He was her husband, but at the same time he wasn't, was he? He couldn't be angry at her.

Jamie doesn't let her go. Instead his hand cups the back of her hand and strokes over her hair. Almost swaying with her in his arms. An attempt to sooth his wife as she shatters. This can't have been easy for her. ]

Shh. Shush now, Sassenach.

[ He pulls back enough to kiss her forehead. ]

It's alright. Ye was afraid were ye no'? Ye've told me now. It'll get sorted.

[He's always her Jamie. It doesn't matter if he's twenty or sixty, scarred or not. It's the heart that's the same. He calms her, and by the time he kisses her forehead she's down to sniffles.]

We did come out of it all right. All of it, Jamie. We were both all right. [He survived Wentworth and she survived Paris. Barely, in both cases, but they did.]

[ That's another thing to take away. With every bad things she's told him about she's been there. They've been together. They got him out of Wentworth and they fixed him. Maybe not to the extent she would have liked, but he was alive and with her. He was whole. That was what mattered.

They lost a child, but they seem to have endured. Continued to go forward. They didn't abandon each other. ]

And we're alright here.

[ He strokes her cheek with the side of his thumb. ]

Is all that why ye've been dodging my touch?

I didn't mean to, Jamie, it just didn't feel right when I was keeping so much from you.

[She leans into his touch now, eyes closing and indulging in it before she looks at him again.]

I couldn't deceive you like that.

[ She's definitely feeling better. Which is good enough for him. He may have a lot to think about concerning his future, but his wife certain seems better. She must've been bursting to tell him everything. Not sure how to explain or even really dive into the more sensitive subjects. He doesn't blame her. Not for anything. Not even keeping it from him. She was scared. ]

Aye. I understand.

[ And he does. A small part of him is pleased even in a way that she respected him that much to do such a thing. It may have left him wondering and afraid, but it certainly was a wise call on her part. They couldn't lay together with so much between them. ]

Ye did the wise thing, Sassenach.

[ He nods as he looks at her. ]

[He really isn't upset. Claire nods, swallowing hard, relief clear on her face with those words from him. It's all she needs.]

I don't want you to be afraid. That's not going to happen for you, now. None of it. No suffering, no heartbreak. You're going to be just as you are.

[ He is starting to think that maybe this Storm and the people here saved him from all that. Plucking him from a point long before he has to endure any of it. Obviously there's a strong difference between just knowing it'd happen and having to live through it. He can't help, but wonder how he handled it. Claire probably had her work cut out for her after Randall. ]

Suppose I will be.

[ That's strange to think about. ]

Do ye still love me the same? I ken I've no' gone through it all.

[He doesn't truly know strange yet. Claire smiles, putting a hand on his cheek as she looks into his eyes.]

You're still my Jamie. The years did change you, but the heart of you is just as I know it. That's all that matters to me.

[ He doesn't allow himself to think too heavily on everything she told him. The capture. The torture. The rape. The loss of their child. It's all very heavy. He doesn't know how to feel. Part of him's afraid if he's going to tell the truth. The other part is just thankful he's not had to endure all of that. ]

Aye. Good.

[ Jamie pulls her closer. An attempt to hold her right now. ]

Ye've told me now, Claire. Ye dinnae need to worry no more.

[Nothing's ruined. Nothing immediately, that is--once things have time to settle he might be more troubled. Her arms wrap around him, rubbing his back, chin on his shoulder. Holding him as much as he's holding her, now.]

There's more, but it can wait. Less terrible things. [Really, the fact that she came from another time didn't affect them much. She just said strange things sometimes. Best let him have these two things for now.]

If you need to ask me questions, please, don't hesitate. Now, or later. Ever. I'll tell you anything you want to know.

[ She has more to share, but it's not terrible. That's a small comfort in this time. He can only hope that whatever she wants to share with him soon doesn't break him. He doesn't feel broken, but no telling how this information will hit him in the long term now is there? He doubts he'll crumble. Especially when he's got Claire here to think of. ]

I'm no' sure what sort of questions I should be askin'.

[ There's so much. He doesn't know if really digging in deep will help him any. ]

What was happening before--[ He hesitates on how to phrase this. ]--ye ken. With us. [ What was happening before the world ended, Claire. ]

Whatever comes to mind. [Good or bad, but he seems to have come to some sort of decision. Claire takes a breath, pulling back enough so that they can look at one another.]

You were an officer fighting in the Jacobite rebellion. [Maybe her fault. Or maybe it would have happened anyway. She's not sure. He never wanted it, that's for certain. Claire rubs her palm against his chest.] We were winning. And you and I, we were good, Jamie. Stronger than ever.

[ He can't imagine how they got from there to being fully apart of the Jacobite rebellion. At the time when collecting rent money with Dougal it just seemed like a fairytale. Something he did to remind himself that they were still strong. They weren't completely ground into the dirt.

Jamie almost looks dumbfounded by all that. That they were winning against the British. A force so vast and he was managing to keep his marriage afloat. He doesn't anything. Instead he leans in and kisses her. ]

[She kisses him back, eyes closing in relief. He's all right. He'll be all right. Claire lets the kiss come to a natural end before she gently pulls his head down lower, so she can kiss his forehead.]

We've always come out all right, as long as we stayed together. Always.

[ He knew that his life would not be ideal. Especially after he learned that clearing his name would be far more difficult. But to know that there was some sort of relief on the horizon and hope for his people makes whatever he endured at Randall's hands and whatever they lost bearable. Or maybe he's just a fool. It's difficult to really say. ]

Dinna plan t' leave ye, Claire. No' ever. Certainly no' after all that.

Do you think I'd let you?

[Humor in her voice, but that's what she was afraid of--him going away. Not forever, just for some space, but the thought of him dealing with these revelations alone isn't a good one.

But if he needed that? She wouldn't stop him.]

No. I suppose you wouldnae. Ye're a very bossy lass.

[ In the best of ways though. He can't say that he could ask for a better wife. Certainly not one that would keep him on his toes as much. That's what she does. She keeps Jamie guessing. ]

So, ye lured me all the way out here to tell me all of this?

[Caught. Claire laughs softly, embarrassed. Clearly, she expected a much worse reaction than she got from him.]

I thought we should be alone. I didn't know how you'd be feeling, after. I didn't want you to have to deal with other people prying into our business.

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closed | it's my whole heart deemed and delivered a crime

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