nysalogs | ( CLOSED )

[ her lips twitch upward, but it can't constitute as a smile when it's hollow, refusing to meet her eyes. it feels like she should make the attempt for bellamy's sake, even if she knows it doesn't matter whether she's openly vulnerable. she's dragged him through this entire day and it seemingly hasn't perturbed him aside from a few (more than a few, but who's really counting?) rolls of his eyes; in comparison, the dismal nature of her expression should be less of a nuisance. ]

I don't not want to be here.

[ would she prefer home to olympia? she can't say, and it doesn't feel right to choose. she loves izzy and simon as much as she cares for the friends she's made here, after all. it's an impossible choice to make in regards to preference. ]

I didn't have much going for me back home, anyway. [ her mother, jace, dot, elliot, valentine and johnathan and the family she might have had if circumstances were different — all of them are gone. she'd had izzy, simon, luke, but all of those sacrifices and slaughters have a way of taking their toll. ] It's just — I didn't think anything or anyone else could possibly be taken from me, and then I wind up here. Down the rabbit hole for the second time.

[ maybe she's bitter, but that still hasn't changed her perspective, somehow, even if that resentment bleeds through in moments like these. her hand settles over his at her arm as she tips her head back into the couch. ]

But I can't hate any of it. I wouldn't want to forget everyone I've met here, not even for the chance to go home.

[At first, he's not sure if he buys it. He certainly couldn't quantify going down to the ground the same way she's analyzing this, not after the hundreds of people dead and all the mistakes he's made, but he thinks he gets it. It's an insanely optimistic way of viewing things from his perspective, though he can't fault her for it. He doesn't say anything about the fact that she thought she couldn't lose anyone else. Bellamy has learned time and time again that there's always more to lose.]

Are you saying you like this place better?

I'm starting to think so.

[ as tempting as i don't know is as an answer, knowing it'll excuse her from saying anything further, it isn't the truth. she does know, to some extent; new york will always be home, but it's impossible not to prefer this when she there are faces she'd never thought she'd see again in those pods — and new faces she wouldn't have had the opportunity to know if not for the circumstances. ]

I don't have to hide who and what I am here. I'm not lying about it to avoid being called crazy, and I'm not missing out on opportunities just because my job makes it impossible to get close to anyone normal.

[ that feels just as important, if she's being honest with herself. it had taken eons to accept her role as a shadowhunter, and another eon for others to accept her. here, they seem to do it easily. her eyebrows knit, fingers squeezing around his hand as she tries to closely inspect his expression for an answer even before she asks the question she has in mind. ]

Do you not like this place better?

[He's about to respond to what she's saying when she turns the question around on him, and his brow furrows automatically. He's not sure how to answer. Actually, he's not sure he wants to answer, but she's being so open than anything but honesty seems unfair. Still, he hesitates.]

I don't know.

[There are people in those pods that he knows should be dead. Clarke is here, alive and well. He's spotted Jasper and Maya and Fox, a million people he felt he failed, safe. Sleeping. Without quite thinking about it, his hand squeezes hers back, and his voice is quiet when he finally replies.]

Seems too good to be true. Every time I thought things were safe before, something's gone wrong.

I know the feeling.

[ too good to be true. it'd been the same sinking in the pit of her stomach when iris had offered to bring her mother back, when clary had almost accept it in spite of knowing the consequences for dabbling in something so dark and selfish. having jocelyn fairchild return to the world would have been too good to be true, and she can't help but to think the same when she browses the rows of pods of those that had been needlessly taken from her. ]

I think something's already gone wrong. [ she smiles, and this time it's sincere, as subtle and as half-hearted as it is. chemical warfare is enough to disturb any sense of idyllic happiness. ] But it doesn't matter. There's a difference between being happy and being safe.

[ sometimes they're exclusive, sometimes they aren't. as foolish as she knows it is, she'd still pick happiness if they were. ]

[To tell the truth, chemical warfare is horrible, but it's par for the course for Bellamy. He's used to it, which he's starting to realize is an awful thing to admit to himself. Realistically, he's never felt safe in his life—not on the Ark, when he was constantly worried about Octavia being discovered, and certainly not on the ground. He's not sure if he's capable of slowing down or relaxing. He's never come close to it.]

Are you happy here?

I try to be.

[ trying to be happy isn't the same as being happy, but she's come close to it. the moments aren't far and few between, most significantly of all, even if they've been interrupted by chaos and periods of adjustment. that has to count for something.

she opens her mouth and then closes it almost immediately, rolling the words on her tongue before she admits to it, soft but genuine. ]

And I think I could be, even if it takes time.

[ patience isn't her forte, but for that? she can wait, and try, and strive toward it. ]

I hope you can be.

[It's just as quiet and just as sincere. The last time Bellamy focused on being happy was with Gina, and look how that turned out. It's not something he really tries for anymore, but he thinks Clary should.]

You deserve it.

[ maybe she can be. maybe she will be — or maybe she won't. happy still feels like a gift that's borderline impossible to achieve, inevitably ruined by the next war or the next tragedy, and clary knows better than anyone the wounds she carries — as unseen as they are — need time to heal before it can ever be hers for more than a handful of moments. still, she hopes just the same; without that, she thinks she might go insane.

it's a nice sentiment — a sweet one, at that. the gratitude gets stuck in her throat, but she smiles lightly and lets her thumb skip over the back of his knuckles, like that might express it without words. ]

Everyone deserves a chance at being happy. [ not just herself. she does believe that, idealistic as it is, despite the horrible things she's witnessed. ] What they do with that chance is a different story.

[Bellamy smiles just a little, the edge of something wry in it. Maybe he does deserve a chance at being happy, but he doesn't have time for it. Not back on the Ark, and not here.]

Have you always been this optimistic?

[ whether it's a joke or a genuine line of questioning, she has to pause to consider it. yes, on one hand, when everything had been simpler. no, on the other hand, when she'd been too overwhelmed by what she'd discovered — and the consequences of choices she'd had to make along the way — to feel even the least bit sane. ]

Not really. I think the general consensus would be more of a 'too stubborn to give up' thing. [ or even too strong to be anything but convinced she'd win, confront whatever she'd needed to without running. maybe it qualifies as optimistic, maybe it doesn't. ] I had to have someone teach me how to be optimistic.

Stubborn makes sense.

[It's quiet and teasing, but he gets it. He's sure most people would describe him the same way.]

So who taught you?

[ teasing or not, it's undoubtedly true. the elbow she nudges him with is harmless, barely driven by any force in her retaliation. ]

Izzy. The same person who saw me through my training. [ even mentioning her by name makes clary's voice sound that much warmer, and naturally so. izzy had been the one to truly welcome her like she'd been family, and without question. ] She's not here, but her brother is.

[His smiles grows when she elbows him, and he scoots away slightly. The warmth in her voice is obvious—probably as obvious as when he talks about Octavia, he thinks.]

I'm glad you have someone from home who's awake.

[ she'll interpret that as a victory, thank you. intimidating bellamy blake into scooting away from her will be her purposefully warped perception. ]

Don't be too glad. Alec likes to pretend he still hates me.

[ she rolls her eyes, but otherwise doesn't seem too perturbed by that fact. alec is alec, and alec... will be alec. ]

Still?

[He raises his eyebrows.]

What, did you pick him up too?

Uh, no. I think he might literally try to murder me if I try.

[ that's a gross exaggeration, judging by the laughter in her voice, but alec has never been known for his sense of humor. ever. ]

He's just... Alec. We didn't get off on the best foot, and we don't exactly see eye to eye on everything. Besides, he's the definition of grumpy. His face moves even less than yours does.

[ as though that's an accomplishment of some sort. teasing begets teasing; bellamy deserves some ribbing in return. ]

[Wow, rude. He glances over, face impassive, but what he says isn't at all serious.]

Maybe I'm only like this with you.

[ either he's playing along with the joke, or his expression is hilariously adept at staying unreadable. whatever the case, her mouth still splits into a smile. ]

Oh. [ that aforementioned smile quickly turns into what can only be described as a shit-eating grin. two can play at this game. ] So you really do think I'm special, don't you?

[He shrugs, giving her legs a half-hearted and not at all successful little push in his lap.]

Depends on what you mean by that.

[ don't make her resort to childishness by shoving her toes in your face, bellamy. for now, she's content to plant her foot against his chest and shove, however gently, with the excuse that he started it. ]

Why don't you tell me what I could mean by that?

[ no matter how convinced she is that she's potentially setting herself up to be the butt of his joke.]

[He lets the shove happen, raising his eyebrows at her and settling back against the arm of the couch so that he's facing her more fully.]

Do you really want me to answer that?

Yes.

[ automatic and a little suspicious. her skepticism is only amplified by the slight narrowing of her eyes before she latches onto the pillow nearest to her and smacks him in the arm. ]

You can stop building the anticipation now.

Nothing. I was joking.

[He says, with a shit-eating grin. What a jerk.]

You're an ass. You know that, right?

[ which might hold vitriol and some weight if she didn't laugh before announcing that. whatever the case, she's leaning forward to try to smash that pillow into his face. just desserts, bellamy blake. ]

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