nysalogs | [closed] books were burned away, only swords remained

Entry tags:

[closed] books were burned away, only swords remained

Who: Mickey (

sparsity) & Sushi (

gekkajuu)
What: orphans with issues having cliched meetings
When: Aug. 9 after job opportunity announcements?
Where: the streets of Olympia somewhere
Warning(s): cliche run-ins, orphans with dark pasts...?

There aren't many things that Atsushi really wants, and there are fewer that he'll bother aiming for. After being told he's worthless for almost his entire life, it's still a struggle to let go of believing that to be reality. More than that: it's terrifying to try letting go of that idea, and risking failure so ignominious that it will prove without a doubt that he really is worthless, destroying whatever shreds of hope for the contrary he has left.

Still, Atsushi tries. He's getting a bit better about that; a little bit braver, maybe. So when the opportunity of getting a job at the Simwe Institute is announced, he can't just dismiss it. Had there only been talk of science and none of curiosity about the world's mysteries, he probably wouldn't have even considered working there, but he's eager to find out so many things about this planet, for himself as much as for the benefit of all refugees, where it applies. Besides, he's always been interested in studying. He... really wants a job at the Institute. Even if he's not a scientist, or otherwise accomplished; even if he's still new to this city, and probably doesn't stand a chance of getting hired somewhere so prestigious. He really wants this, almost selfishly so. No matter how much everything inside him screams that it's impossible, and even if the thought of trying and failing makes him feel sick, he wants this job.

One day before he can interview. All right... He's already looked around the public libraries a fair bit in his spare time, but this calls for one final effort to get in as much knowledge as he can before he contacts Evras. After all: what if the man starts asking questions to check if he's smart enough? Or maybe reading a bunch is just a good excuse to distract himself from his nauseating nerves. With a stack of books in his arms and a light scowl of determination on his face, he's on his way home, thinking of far too many things to pay much attention to where he's going.

It happens far too often, to him if not everyone else: he turns a corner, and suddenly someone is right there in front of him, too late to avoid bumping into. Atsushi just barely starts turning to limit the damage, trying to at least protect the books he's holding, but that only messes up his balance, making him fall on his ass.

... Still holding most of the books, at least. Phew... He'd hate to seriously damage any library books.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Happier," Mikazuki repeats, as if he has to sound out how that word tastes in his mouth to take meaning from it. "It does seem like there's a lot of chances here."

More open and easier to run his fingertips across, if he so chose. Back home, every chance had to be fought for, seized, and run with. However far it took to get to safety with it, even if that time never came.. There just hadn't been space for him, whether it was a war of attrition or just a single flash in the dark that was capable of taking everything away.

"When we landed, I was sure it was only me thinking this way. That we had it easy."

Despite the fact that they'd literally been sent crashing down.

"I don't know if I thought we had it easy... There were still so many unknowns, back then. Even after the VR simulations, there was no telling what the planet was really like, or the city we were sent to..."

There are still many unknowns, for that matter, but the basics have worked themselves out remarkably well. Atsushi has set himself some goals, and while he's not exactly thriving yet, he's definitely managing - which is a lot better than he would have expected of himself.

"But even back then, it felt like... we'd finally gotten started. We could finally begin our new lives - and we were all in it together." He'd felt part of the group without expecting anything from others or having anything expected of him - though he'd still tried to help where he could. He doesn't think he ever felt like a part of something bigger so effortlessly before.

Before speaking, Mikazuki watches the subtle lay of the expression Atsushi makes when he talks. So many people hadn't been ready to accept this new life because he supposes they were still grieving for what they'd lost to the Storm. He can't help but think this sort of thing might be rare — he might not know the reason, but there was nothing to grieve for his part, so he can understand at least partially.

Knowing the effect of his gaze, its color and sharpness, he lowers it to look into his teacup, the liquid inside moving faintly from being between his hands.

"What I mean is this... there was no one to tell us that this planet wasn't for us." Mikazuki isn't the kind to mince his words, but it's obvious he's being a little kinder in regards to what his situation was like by framing it this way. "We could drink water from where we found it, we could gather up food. Sleep wherever we wanted, or light fires to keep warm."

Not a single force to tell them those basic necessities weren't free, or afforded to them because of where they stood.

"I never thought about what starting a new life would mean." Not even when he'd made his bet with Darma, when he'd clawed his way out of metallic howling and darkness to take her offering. He looks aside again, to the innocuous stack of books. "But this is already a lot to have."

There's obviously a lot that's going unsaid, and Atsushi studies Mikazuki's expression as he talks, as if he might learn a little more from it. He doesn't, not directly, but even looking at him freely feels like it offers some kind of basic connection. Atsushi has many faults, but he's always been particularly sensitive to the atmosphere; to everything not being said; to subtle hints and hidden meanings. That's what abuse will do to you, making you desperate to see the signs so that maybe, just maybe, you can prevent what happens next.

"It really is." It is so much to have, and Atsushi treasures all of it. Maybe he's not from the same kind of situation as Mikazuki - and he decides not to dig into that any further, not wanting to force Mikazuki to dwell on anything unpleasant - but he, too, feels incredibly welcomed here. He genuinely feels like he owes this city for taking him in.

"... I learned a lot from books. When I was at the orphanage, every day I was told that I was worthless; that it would be better if I died." There's a trace of sadness in the words, but just as much embarrassment. One day, he hopes to prove them wrong, but so far, that battle is only just beginning. It's always a little embarrassing to tell someone this truth, as if they might not realize it otherwise - or, worse, they might deny it. Somehow that only feels like it emphasizes the truth of it all, Atsushi not able to agree. "Books are the only thing that let me discover that there is more than that. They showed me so many people going through all sorts of situations, having all kinds of thoughts and feelings..."

While he wouldn't say he'd been looking for an agreement, just voicing what he thought was true about the situation, the fact that he gets one quiets him. It doesn't take that many clues or emotional depth to recognize when someone has been treated similarly. He reminds him of Takaki, a little. Someone whose sweetness seemed all the more pronounced for the hardship he'd endured. That was life — fists against the crests of their cheeks, batons cracking over backs. Some were stern, some were angry, some still sought leverage. Some, like him, weighed anger against patience.

And some were just gentler for it.

"Whether or not you should die isn't something for someone else to decide," Mikazuki replies first, perhaps focusing on the wrong part of the conversation. It sticks with him as something he's had to choose, over and over. "But it's good that you had something to help."

What Atsushi describes doesn't sound all that dissimilar to why he'd wanted to read in the first place... he reaches out to the books sitting on the table again.

"Being able to read is supposed to make your world bigger."

"It does make your world bigger." Which is part of why he's trying, very subtly, to urge Mikazuki to read, even if Mikazuki may not be very good at it yet. He seems to be a good kid, but he's also missing something, similar to the way Atsushi is. No, maybe everyone is the same that way, missing a certain something that they always have to keep looking for...

"It's never possible to experience the same as everyone else in the world, and even talking about ourselves with others, when we manage to, comes with limitations... Reading about other people is different. Even if sometimes they're just made-up people, it gives you some kind of connection. It lets you understand other people, if only a little."

He glances over at his stack of books. Admittedly, the ones he took out this time aren't really the sort he's talking about... but then, even learning about nature makes you connect more, doesn't it?

"Maybe it's naive, but... I think if everybody tried to understand each other a bit better, there would be a lot less suffering in the world."

"It is naïve," he agrees with the same muted severity. For better or worse, he doesn't sound like he means it as an insult. "Understanding doesn't protect anyone on a battlefield."

And that's all he's ever known, all he has to fall back on when it comes to interacting with the world around him. Whether he's just holding a conversation or looking for something to give him direction. Olympia seems peaceful, but even Mikazuki knows that it's not guaranteed. Still, his focus doesn't linger on something so commonplace for him, pulling a book from the stack, bound in green leather.

"I've never tried to read something about another person. What does it mean when you say made-up?"

All his reading was related to vegetables and farming.

"But it can prevent a battlefield, by avoiding the situation that led to it in the first place." Yes, it's still naive - but it's a naivety he needs. To believe the best in people, at least to a point; to simply keep hoping. His words are just as serious as Mikazuki's, even if their contents are completely different. "If I understand your point of view, maybe I don't have to fight you over it. If I understand that a battle will lead to people getting hurt and maybe dying - if I understand the impact that will have on so many people - maybe I'll reconsider."

It's not that he can't understand Mikazuki's stance as well - to a point. Atsushi is aware of the weaknesses, the flaws in his own attitude: apart from anything else, it makes him dependent on other people's cooperation and good will, which is as fickle as anything. But he refuses to give up on it. He has to believe that people are good on some level; that good people exist.

"Do you have anything like fairy tales, where you're from? It's like that: the story tells of people who never actually existed, or never did the things the story says they did - but they might have been real, and they could have done those things." Describing fiction is unexpectedly awkward, but that just makes it more important for Atsushi to try. "It's like a 'what if' story."

"If everyone was kind like you, maybe that'd be true."

If it was possible to see to the edge of a battlefield and the place that lies beyond it at all, for that matter. That was the same battle he'd lost, the one that took everything. And for the strength inherent in what he's saying and how much he believes it, instinct and drive burning without end, the color of that defeat also tinges his voice. He'd already seen the worst of humanity, making his idea of a fight worth anything at all run hollow. But his failings don't have a place at this table that he thinks he can find, so he leaves it there, quiet and succinct, more a compliment than maybe he realizes.

"I've heard a little about fairytales, but I don't understand them very well. They sounded kind of... impossible."

Without realizing that's the point, speaking of hope having a place also.

It really is a compliment, but maybe that's the problem: even now, compliments will often make Atsushi uncomfortable, confronting him with how he doesn't feel he deserves that kind of praise. But in this case, at least, he has a clear answer to give.

"I don't know if anyone is kind by nature. But I think anyone can make the decision to be kind."

Atsushi can't give up on that, just as he can't give up on trying to see the best in ~~most~~ people. He doesn't know himself if it's a good thing; it probably just makes him weak for needing that kind of hope. But he really does need it, desperately. He's always needed it, and he's only come to need it more since he was cast out of the orphanage. Maybe he's talking high and mighty about imagining different things and the like, but he fears finding out that there really is no foundation for his hope more than anything. He still fears finding out that the headmaster was right about him, even if he's come to learn why the headmaster said those terrible things to him.

But... so far he's only seen his hope confirmed. And that makes it worth clinging to all the more. If he just clings hard enough, maybe this truth for the future will undo less pleasant truths of the past.

"Well, if it's a what-if story, it doesn't matter if it's impossible, as long as it makes you think. Or, rather... sometimes it's easier to think about if it's impossible." It's hard to explain himself in a way he thinks Mikazuki will understand, but he's determined to try. "For example: if the story was about a bad politician from your own world, you'd already know exactly what you feel. You wouldn't be open to thinking about it anymore. But if the story is about an evil king who turns out to be cursed, his actions having a reason even if they are terrible, maybe you'd be willing to try to see his point."

Those words still him. Mikazuki quiets, and while stretches of silence aren't that unusual for him, it reaches down into his body as well — the lay of his shoulders, how he holds his arms and hands. Maybe it's the single thing he's really understood on a personal level throughout this conversation. It'd never been an option for him, as surely as iron still grips his spine and bleeds up into the blue of his eyes, but he'd chosen to be the way he is. That Atsushi could decide to be kind just like Mikazuki had decided to kill and destroy to get where he wanted...

Well, it rings too honestly in him for him to try and undermine. Mikazuki may not always have kindness on his side, he might be exhausted by trying to conceptualize it, but he's not cruel enough to tear into someone innocent for the injustices he's faced. It's not in him to be selfish. Closing his eyes, he breathes through his nose once.

Anyone can make a decision. That was right.

So he doesn't contest it, his silence in light of the statement maybe speaking more than his attempt at words might. It means he can focus on the other attempt Atsushi is making, sensing that it isn't very easy to explain.

"It sounds hard to understand like this." Honest, but thoughtful. "Maybe I should try to read something like that after all."

Maybe having a choice is no more than a hope, too, a wish more than reality most of the time. But hope like that is important. It's been said that happiness is about what you have to look forward to, rather than what you have in this moment. If that's true, then something to strive for is even more important for those in despair - and yet those in despair need to effect change to see their happiness achieved. They need a sense of agency, of choice and an effect of their choices, to be able to believe in happiness.

Atsushi isn't a good person. Maybe nobody is good by nature. But Atsushi knows the importance of being kind to others, of trying to be a good person. So that's what he does. Everyone had given up on him, in the past; he's his own last line of defense, weak though it may be.

"If you're curious to see a library anyway, maybe we could go together sometime? We could try to find a suitable book for you together." Atsushi has already read up on local legends a little; he thinks he knows how to navigate that area of the library. "Well... I'll have to study and try to get this job, first." They may need to put it off for a day or two - but Atsushi is than willing, if Mikazuki is interested.

Turning the question over in his mouth, Mikazuki doesn't answer immediately. Even all the reading he'd learned to do at home was for a purpose — for learning to grow things successfully in a harsh climate, so he could help Tekkadan prosper. Reading would have helped them work towards the honest lives they sought. Or it would have, had he succeeded. He's sure he thought those things at one point, before the idea of a future waned, falling out of focus until there was only the immediate moments, and then... nothing.

But he's never been a coward, never not wanted to take the next step towards something, even if he's not sure where forward is when he's on his own like this.

"If you're sure, then," he starts, not so much hesitating as measuring his next words a bit more quietly. "I wouldn't mind taking a look."

Lifting his cup, he finishes off his tea with a small nod.

"Ashti had a mission for me too, so maybe after that." Whatever he might find in the library, he won't know unless he goes. Pushing his heels on the floor, he scoots his chair back, motions brief but somehow soft as if in recognition that he's still taking up space in someone's home. No matter how brusque he is, those things still matter. "It's really important, so I'll let you study."

Edited 2017-09-14 05:23 (UTC)

Atsushi looks up, a little surprised at the sudden goodbye - but it really is for the best, for both of them.

"Of course! Good luck with the mission."

Right, studying... For a brief moment there, he'd forgotten, not what he has to do, but how incredibly nervous he feels about it. He eyes the books with a soft sigh. Maybe he really did bite off more than he could chew...

But he made a friend, and that's quite something!

"Let me know when you're available, okay?"

Mikazuki can tell he's been abrupt and that splinters the moment somewhat, but he's not used to being shown unequivocal kindness. It's not Atsushi's fault that it has a wayward tendency to sink to the pit of his stomach and burn after a while, making him restless with an energy he doesn't know how to reciprocate right away. It's better to be up and moving in that case. Really, it's always been like that.

But somewhere in between climbing to his feet and pushing in his chair, he stops.

"Don't worry," he says, seemingly unprompted. "If this is something you really want, you'll be able to do it."

No matter how taciturn he is, or maybe because he is, he can pour strength and honesty into whatever he says. However he might be feeling, he believes that. With a nod, he turns to go.

"Good luck yourself. When we're both done, we can go to the library."

And, a little quieter, more thoughtful:

"It'll be nice to see."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[closed] books were burned away, only swords remained

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject