and i need new skin for this old skeleton of mine [closed]

[personalwar]

Who: Soldier: 76 (personalwar) & Ana Amari (nanamari)
What: 76 got an unexpected trinket. He's not prepared for it to trigger out of the blue.
When: Early March
Where: Their apartment in the old city, Wyver
Warning(s): Panic attacks?? Jack's not going to have a great time.


It's been a long day and a long night, as Jack has dedicated himself to hunting down the shamans. It's some sort of relief to find out that the guy who's supposedly in charge around here doesn't approve of the kidnappings and other shady doings that had been taking place up on the mountain, but Jack can't help but wonder why there wasn't a quicker mobilization to deal with it. Apparently the Ryders had all been too busy dealing with the fires that sprung up around the city, and he knows that their numbers are on the low side. Either way, he's one of them and therefore feels even more pressed to take action, with suspicion thrown their way.

Maybe Heryn really does have something to do with all of it, who knows? Jack certainly isn't deep enough into the Ryder ranks to have any more insight than anyone else.

The bottom line is, it's late when he gets back to his and Ana's place, and so he takes care with unlocking the door and slipping inside. He's expecting Ana to already have retired to her room and gone to bed, but that's not quite what he finds. Instead, she's dozed off on the couch, but she looks to be fast asleep and he doesn't want to wake her. It isn't always easy for either of them to get any real rest, after all.

It's as he's doing his utmost best to step lightly that something happens. Where once there had been the hardness of the ground beneath his feet, suddenly it's as if he's walking on air, floating and suspended. While he knows that his stomach should be clenching and his heart pounding in response to the strange sensation of nothingness, even that's not there.

When he lifts his hands up, he's able to see right through them, the lines of his body only barely visible. He's indistinct, he's out of his own skin, and he absolutely isn't prepared for it.

He starts breathing hard with lungs he hadn't fully realized were still there (are they?), and his eyes dart this way and that, searching for some way to make this stop.

Comments

[nanamari]

[ Ana is a light sleeper even on a good night, so she stirs a little at the sound of the door opening but Jack's familiar footsteps - muted as they might be - aren't enough to wake her up. His panicked breathing, however, is something entirely different.

Ana is fully awake in an instant, her hand closing around the dart gun that's never far from her side. She freezes when she sees what's happening. For a brief moment, she thinks maybe she's fallen asleep again after all, and this is just a familiar nightmare - the one where she watches Jack die, up close, instead of thousands of miles away. The one where his ghost isn't angry at all. He just asks her why she let it happen, and she doesn't have an answer for him.

Her body is moving before the rest of her catches up. She leaves the gun on the table and goes to him. When she tries to touch him, her hand passes right through his shoulder, like he's just a hologram. A ghost, like Gabriel. ]

Jack? [ She takes a breath to steady her voice and her nerves. ] What happened?

[personalwar]

[ Despite all of his best efforts, Ana is awake.

Trying to deal with this on his own is bad enough. Having a witness to it doesn't help, at least not immediately, as he watches Ana's hand pass through him like he's not there at all. Of course both of their thoughts would go to Gabriel, and this feels like some sort of sick joke. He wonders if he's dreaming. It seems too real to be a dream, but dreams always feel real while you're dreaming them. He keeps waiting to wake up in his room in a cold sweat, but it doesn't happen.

He looks at Ana, not sure how much of him she can even make out, and shakes his head. He doesn't trust himself to speak words right now, but his meaning should be clear: he has no idea how this happened.

There must be some way to make it stop, but he doesn't have any idea what that might be. He closes his eyes, part of him hoping that all he needs to do is wait it out. ]

[nanamari]

Don't give me that. Look at me. [ Her voice is rarely so sharp these days, but sometimes the situation calls for it. She's terrified that maybe if they do try to wait this out, there will be no coming back from it. She can't lose Jack the same way that she lost Gabriel - she won't. ] Walk me through it.

[ She folds her arms, mostly to keep herself from reaching for him again. She doesn't think putting her hands through him is helping either of them right now. ] How does it feel? What were you doing? What were you thinking?

[personalwar]

[ Jack hasn't heard Ana get that short with him in some time, at least not without it having an edge of humor to it. She's scared, and why shouldn't she be? This is worrying in its familiarity, and as far as Jack's aware it came out of nowhere.

He forces himself. Forces his eyes open, forces a focus on what could have led to this. ]

I was... [ He pauses when he realizes that he can still talk without a problem. It helps, if only slightly. His voice comes out cracked and nervous. ] I was just trying to get by without waking you up. That's all.

[ He can't tell if he feels like he's going to sink into the floor or just float away, but studying Ana's concerned expression helps to ground him. ]

[nanamari]

[ Ana purses her lips.

She doesn't understand how this kind of thing can happen. Jack's abilities, while spectacular, have never been beyond explanation. Whatever SEP did to him, it doesn't - this shouldn't happen. He still breathes and speaks, but she has no idea how.

She doesn't know how to help him when she can't even touch him. ]

Can you focus on coming back to me? [ It comes out steady, as if she knows what she's doing. She doesn't, but it's the only guess she's got. ]

[personalwar]

[ Jack's at just as much of a loss as she is, honestly. The suddenness of it and the fact that he's never experienced anything like it before makes him almost positive that it has nothing to do with SEP, but then what? He's seen magic enough to know it could be that, but he never agreed to further enhancements, if he even wants to call this that. Did the Natha imbue him with something without his permission?

Neither of them know what they're doing, but Jack stares at Ana's face and nods slowly. He tries to will himself to be solid again.

Somehow, it works. He can feel the floor beneath his feet, and when he lifts his hands up toward his face, he's solid and whole. Back to normal.

He heaves out a breath, half relief and half exhaustion. ] I don't... I have no idea what that was about. Sorry.

[nanamari]

[ She shakes her head. He doesn't need to be sorry. It's strange to watch him solidify right in front of her, as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Ana touches the side of his face, tentatively at first, but when she feels warm skin under her fingers some of the tension goes out of her. She brushes her thumb over his cheek. ]

Are you alright?

[personalwar]

[ Ana's touch helps Jack come down from the panic, reaffirms that he's back to normal. He wouldn't mind more of it, not that he has the first idea of how to ask.

He doesn't really feel all right, but he nods. He's better than he was a few seconds ago; that'll have to be good enough. All the same, he goes to take a seat on the couch where Ana had been dozing just moments before. ]

I just don't get it. I haven't struck any kind of deal with the Natha. [ A pause, and then something occurs to him. ] Wait...

[ That amulet he'd found by his bed one morning -- he should have known there was more to it. He fishes it out of his pocket and lets it dangle in front of him, studying it. ]

[nanamari]

[ Once Jack nods, she lets him go so that she can put on some tea for them. She's weary of taking her eyes off him, but fussing isn't going to get them anywhere.

Once she's set the water to boil, she comes to sit beside him on the couch. She holds out her hand, wanting to examine the thing for herself. It looks ordinary, more or less, but Jack seems to think it's the cause of all of this. ]

You think that this is magical? [ She only barely hesitates over the word. She's seen a lot of things here that she can't even begin to comprehend, so 'magical' has become a catch-all for 'what the actual hell.' ] Where did you get it?

[personalwar]

[ Jack hesitates before he lets the small amulet drop into Ana's hand. If it is the culprit, he has no idea what would trigger it, and the last thing he wants is to put Ana through the same thing he just experienced. The ability to lose one's form is undoubtedly useful in certain situations, but when it happens out of nowhere, that's another story. ]

It just showed up next to my bed one morning. Probably means it's a gift from the Natha.

[ There's no way that someone snuck into their apartment, which means that the item must have been teleported here from the Station.

He scoffs and leans further back into the couch. ] Should have tossed it then and there.

[nanamari]

It might come in handy if you can get it to work again.

[ Ana turns the necklace over in her hands. It does nothing out if the ordinary, but she hadn't expected it to. Apparently Jack had been carrying it around in his pocket for a while before it decided to activate.

Still, she pretends to study it. ]

For a second I thought it might have something to do with your enhancements.

[personalwar]

[ It's possible that all it takes is some active concentration to make the amulet work. Jack had been making an attempt to be silent when it happened, come to think of it. He's still going to take caution with it, but Ana's probably right that it shouldn't be thrown in the trash.

He reaches out to take the trinket back from her, head tilting up when she mentions his enhancements. She doesn't say it outright, but Jack knows what she's getting at. Gabriel had been his first thought, too. ]

Guess we should be glad it wasn't. As far as I know, nothing's started to deteriorate there.

[ He hasn't had regular check-ups in years, yet he's still kicking. Whatever happened to Gabriel, it hasn't happened to him. ]

[nanamari]

[ Ana drops the amulet back into his palm, though she does watch carefully for any signs that he might change again. It's possible that it's keyed to Jack in some other way, since it was given to him by the Natha, and to that end it's unlikely to be dangerous.

The best way to figure it out is to experiment, but this is one of those situations where it's not that simple.

She draws her legs up onto the couch and wraps her arms around them, silent for a moment. ]

Do you ever wonder when he started to... When everything started to go wrong for him? [ The obvious answer is Venice but that's not exactly what she means. ]

[personalwar]

[ Jack can see that Ana is a little nervous about him holding onto the amulet again, so he leans forward to set it on the small table positioned in front of the couch. It's something he can worry about later, now that the topic of conversation has shifted.

Gabriel is a subject that they don't often touch on, mainly because it won't accomplish anything. He isn't awake, so all they can do is speculate about his intentions, and everything that went wrong.

That being said, there are still times when it's good to vent about it, seeing how it's something both Jack and Ana carry around with them every day. ]

Yeah, all the time. [ He pulls a hand up to rub slowly at his eyes, and then squeeze the bridge of his nose. ] I keep running conversations we had through my head, trying to figure out if there was something I missed.

[ It seems all too likely. Gabriel had been a blind spot of sorts, for him. He'd trusted in him unconditionally, and that had eventually backfired on him. ]

[nanamari]

If there was, we all missed it. You, me, Jesse... [ She shakes her head. Maybe there were times when Jack should have reeled him in, but Ana understands better than most people why he didn't. Gabriel was her commander too, during the crisis. Even when they disagreed, she never doubted that his heart was in the right place, that they all wanted the same things. ]

I know that whatever he is now, it's his own doing, but sometimes I want to believe that there was something we could have done. Or that what happened to him isn't so different from what happened to Amélie.

[personalwar]

[ It's true that Jack hadn't been the only one who'd interacted with Gabriel over all that time, and yet he feels responsible all the same. He and Gabriel had worked together so closely; he'd signed off on most of what he did. Sometimes he recalls not being one hundred percent sold on a plan, but pushing that feeling aside because he trusted Gabriel to deal with it the right way, and to only cross lines if it was for the right reasons.

Now everything they did together feels tainted. Jack's quiet for a long while after Ana finishes speaking, lost in his thoughts. ]

It'd almost be nice if we could find someone else to blame for what he's doing. But... [ Jack closes his eyes and shakes his head slowly. ] I think we have to face that this is all him.

[ Maybe one day they'll get a proper explanation. Or maybe they'll just be left to wonder what really happened to their friend for the rest of their years. ]

[nanamari]

[ Ana hums softly, not exactly agreement, just something resigned. They can talk about it for days or months or years - the best they're going to get is speculation, and the worst is confirmation of everything they've already seen.

She leans her head against his Jack's shoulder, silent for a long moment. The worst part is, despite knowing all of this, despite hating him for what he's done, she still misses him - or whatever version of him she used to know. It would be nice if she knew how to stop. ] I think we've had enough of this crap for a lifetime. Let's retire.

[ It's an old conversation; easy, familiar territory now that they've strayed too far into melancholy. ]

[personalwar]

[ The exhaustion that Ana feels about this particular subject is mirrored in Jack, and when she leans her head up against him, he shifts his position on the couch slightly to make it more comfortable for her. He could wrap his arm around her back and tug her closer, but he doesn't want to overstep.

This wouldn't be the first time that Ana has suggested retirement, whatever that looks like. ] I think this is the closest that we're gonna get. [ Neither of them are capable of actually laying down their weapons. Whatever fight might break out here, it isn't theirs, but Jack already knows they're going to get roped into it anyway.

He misses Gabriel too, much as he tries not to think about it. But he still has Ana, and that's more than he thought he'd get a few years ago. Despite everything, all the crap, he feels lucky for that. ]