nysalogs | ( catch-all )

[ Perhaps, now with the context of some of Cain's past and what was revealed in that disturbing room, Percival can understand a bit more of Cain's logic, and why he's kept so much away from them. It's not a good feeling, to be terribly honest, to feel like Cain regards him as someone that needs protecting.

Not when he's dedicated his entire life to the protection of others, and upheld the principle of being strong enough not to depend on anyone.

Well, that's not entirely true. He has accepted that there isn't any shame in getting a little bit of help from others.

But he doesn't protest, merely continue to listen and keep a carefully neutral expression as he continues working. He also feels incredibly silly. Even something as simple as tending to Cain's wounds, or rather, touching Cain's arm, feels like coming home after a long time. ]

Why would you ally yourself with such a man? Why are you doing jobs for the Gilded Cage, Cain? You must be aware that they're a criminal organization... I know that you're not a complete fool. They unleashed a deadly virus on the populations of both cities.

[ He begins applying a bit of bandage tape now, eyes clouded with even more confusion. ]

So forgive me if I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish by working with criminals.

They're dangerous, and they'll hurt people again; that's exactly why.

[ Fervent with Cain's conviction, and Cain tips his head up a little, a wordless plea for Percival to listen, to understand.

He's afraid. He can admit that. He's afraid that Percival won't understand, that Percival will hear all of this, all that's yet to be said, and decide that he wants no part of it. No part of Cain.

He's afraid of losing Percival. He's already felt it, when the Pact had gone cold, Percival's flame extinguished — when it had felt like something necessary and vital had been ripped right out of his chest.

But keeping Percival at arms' length hasn't kept him safe. And if Cain doesn't explain, if he doesn't force the words out, reveal everything that he usually keeps so closely guarded — so much that by now it's habit to keep these secrets — then losing Percival is a certainty.

He pushes on; he has to trust — trust Percival, trust whatever there is between them. ]

They released that virus. They have the resources for far more than such an attack, and I can assure you, they aren't satisfied to stop at just that. We're strangers to this land; I can't dismantle an entire criminal organization without resources, without manpower, without information. [ All the things he'd had access to in Idelva, as Pholia's favored general. Things that, until he'd arrived on El Nysa, he'd almost taken for granted. ] The only chance I have at stopping their next move is to be close enough to see it coming.

[ It's easier, somehow, to say this with Percival's hand on his. Easier, to have that touch to ground him. It doesn't feel so much like he's being judged, doesn't feel like Percival is moments away from condemning him and pulling away. Even if Percival is only seeing to his wound, Cain's grateful for the contact, for the warmth of Percival's skin against his. ]

And Takasugi... He helped me, at first. At first, I'd thought he could be an ally within the Cage. I was wrong. Now, he's a dagger at my back.

[ To his credit, Percival actually listens. He finds it easy to grow silent, because even though his physical wounds are completely healed, he is tired in other ways, and even if he found disagreeing with whatever Cain said, he would reserve judgment until he finished. While Cain speaks, he focuses his attention on finishing the last of the bandages, trying to keep his hand steady even while the sight of mature bruises and partially mended skin reminds him of everything all over again.

And yet, he only really has one thing to say in response, now that he has finished covering the wound and pulls back enough to look Cain in the eye again. ]

Why didn’t you tell me this before?

[ Why didn't he? Why doesn't Cain ever tell anyone half the things he keeps hidden? Why did he keep secrets from the captain when they'd first met, why did he try to keep Percival from finding out that it was Takasugi who'd stabbed him — in the end, the reason's all the same.

Why didn't he tell Percival before? It's an all too cutting question, striking deeper than Percival can know.

He meets Percival's gaze squarely, but his fingers flex in Percival's hand, giving away his anxiety, just how much he wants to shift in his seat, how little he wants to answer.

But he does answer. Slowly, quietly, picking his words, but he answers. ]

I thought I could keep you out of it. That it'd be... better. If the only one whose hands were stained were my own.

[ It's a sentiment he can understand only too well, having rarely depended on others himself, but identifying with it makes it no less frustrating.

He wonders, too, why he can't bring himself to pull away from Cain's hand. ]

Had we not understood that we could depend and trust on each other?

[ He doesn't sound angry, though. His voice is quiet, disappointed. ]

[ The disappoint in Percival's voice is almost worse than anger. It hurts more, settles over Cain like a splash of stinging, icy water. He wants to flinch, but he doesn't let himself. After all, it's nothing more than he deserves. ]

I'm... not very good at depending on others. [ He pauses, takes a slow inhale, breathes out his next words in barely more than a whisper. ] I'm not good at losing others.

[ He hopes Percival can understand what he means. Percival's seen the apparition of his brother, seen just how desperate Cain was when he thought there was a chance that Abel might be alive. If anyone could understand just how deep Cain's desire not to lose anyone else runs... It'd be Percival, who knows the losses Cain carries.

If anyone could understand what he means, I'm afraid of losing anyone else if I put them in danger, it's Percival. ]

[ It's true that he knows now, firsthand, that Cain is anything but a stranger to loss. Whether it be loss of a loved one, of a home... Cain kept many things to himself for the benefit of others. So they'd never have to see him in pain, so they wouldn't have to put themselves in danger...

He sighs. He understands, but even now, even after falling prey to death, cannot be at peace with given such treatment.

He looks Cain square in the eye, though his gaze is surprisingly subdued, more vulnerable than steadfast. ]

What will you do then, moving forward? If you cannot depend on me, then I will not place such a burden on you, either.

[ But if he can bring himself to keep Percival out of the dark... then he will do the same. ]

I'll not be dying again, if my word means anything. [ he's learned from his mistakes, or so he'd like to think. ]

[ Cain's quiet for long minutes. The time ticks by, the silence pressing at him, closing around him claustrophobicly. What will he do? He can leave things as they are, keep Percival at arm's length — but that hadn't kept Percival safe. It hadn't done a thing, except hurt them both, had it?

The promise Percival's offering isn't one he can keep. But that's the same whether or not Cain's at his side. Percival won't stay away from danger.

And most of all, he doesn't want to lose Percival.

Slowly, Cain leans forward. Slowly, he reaches up with his free hand and cups Percival's cheek. ]

It's not a burden. To be trusted by you— I want to trust you, also. I'm not good at losing people, but I've already almost lost you, all because I kept you in the dark. Can I trust you? Can I trust that I won't lose you?

[ Percival sits there and doesn't move, a bit dumbfounded by the feel of Cain's hand against his cheek. It's warm, warmer than he remembered it, though perhaps some of that is his own body temperature warming, as well.

He keeps his voice level, regaining some of that familiar confidence. ]

Whether you choose to trust me or not, you won't. [ His lips purse. ]

But, selfishly, I must admit that I wish you would.

Then I will.

[ Softly, but this time, the words are spoken rather than breathed, shaped and firm.

It feels a little like falling, making this decision. Like the ground's disappeared from under him, like he's found himself in the sky, shoved off the edge of an island, in free fall, except he's stepped off himself, made that choice. ]

I'll trust you. I'll depend on you, and I won't lose you. [ He smiles, a wry tinge. Percival's so warm beneath his hand. ] But my hands are probably only going to get more stained.

[ Because he can't stop. He can't just give up his efforts in the Gilded Cage, he can't walk away. He can do what he can to mitigate the things going on there, put a spanner in the works wherever he has the chance, but what he's doing is important. He can't let Cree get any farther with his plans, not if he has the chance to stop them.

He can't keep his hands clean if it'll keep other people safe. ]

[ It's a relief to hear those words. They make him happier than he had anticipated they might. Where Cain might feel like making this decision feels like falling, Percival feels like he's once again found his ground. They have a clearly defined path, and maybe now they will feel like they aren't walking it alone.

He closes his eyes and scoffs a bit, but there's no bite to it. ]

And do you think I am content to sit around and accept things as they are?

[ He pauses, reaching up to gently guide Cain's hand back down. The longer it lingers, the warmer his cheeks grow, and the more difficult it is to think straight.

Cain is very annoying, in more ways than one. ]

No, of course not.

[ But Cain feels even more adrift, with Percival taking his hand. They're holding hands now, not just for the purpose of Percival bandaging him. There's no way to ignore that, not with Percival's fingers wrapped around his palm, with the warmth of Percival's skin lingering.

But still, the contact feels like a lifeline. Like a mooring he's found in the midst of his fall, and slowly, a smile begins to grow. His heart beats a little faster. No, he didn't think Percival would do nothing, would just stand idly by. And yet, what it sounds like Percival's offering... ]

I only mean... Will you try to stop me?

I told you we are being honest with each other, did I not?

[ Now it is Percival's time to feel uncomfortable. He has asked Cain to make himself vulnerable, and can only be expected to do the same, but this is a difficult question to answer. It's difficult, because he and Cain are too alike in that respect. How tiring. He sighs. ]

Then I will be. I cannot promise you that I won't try to stop you from doing something foolish, in the same way I would hope you would try to have me see reason. [ Except his ideas are always good and never dumb... let's ignore that he died. ]

But if you prove too stubborn and stupid, I will not let you go alone.

[ I will not let you go alone. The words have Cain's smile blooming, and he ducks his head, staring down at their joined hands. Even with the insults, even with Percival talking about Cain heading off into danger... he knows that Percival means more than that. At least... he thinks he does. ]

And if you prove too hardheaded to listen to reason, I won't let you go alone, either. [ Not that there'd ever been a risk of that, on Cain's end. ] But... I also won't try to leave you behind. Not anymore.

[ He looks up, the smile soft, small and hopeful. ]

I'll trust you to have my back and to be at my side.

[ Percival can hardly stand to look at him again. His words make his heart, previously heavy with melancholy, feel light and set aflutter. His smile doesn't make any of this any easier, either. He slowly crosses his arms and gives him a small, weak smile in return. ]

As you should have from the very beginning. [ But that was neither here nor there.

And unfortunately, they're far from done here. That should have been it— a reaffirmation of a promise to have each other's backs in this world.

But it's not, even if that would have ordinarily sufficed. ]

There is... something else I wanted to talk about, as well. [ He frowns. ] After I hurt you, and you... [ broke the spell? ]

[ No, of course this isn't everything. Cain knows that. There's far more than just this matter of trust between them. Hasn't this been the whole problem to begin with? He could have trusted Percival before this, but... he'd pushed Percival away more than he needed to, even, and for a simple reason.

A reason he can't ignore, not any longer. ]

Ah. [ Soft, barely more than an exhale. He won't pretend to misunderstand what Percival's referring to. ] You mean when I kissed you.

[ It doesn't sound like this is a subject Cain particularly wants to talk about, either. Part of him wonders if the conversation would have been best left there. He clears his throat. ]

I don't think words can ever be sufficient to demonstrate how truly sorry I am that I allowed myself to become so... monstrous.

[ In fact, he's still trying to think of an apology that might come close to being sufficient. His cheeks warm as he continues talking, voice more and more firm, as if he's trying to convey his typical air of confidence. This time, he's likely not very convincing. ]

I don't hold it against you, what you did. I know that you were doing everything in your power to save ourselves. I don't know why it worked, but it did. That's all that matters.

Percival...

[ He lets out a slow breath, a huff of rueful laughter, something fondly exasperated. No, Percival isn't convincing at all, especially not with that blush pinking his cheeks. But Cain can only look at him and feel affection, something warm in his chest that grows, has red tinging his own cheeks. ]

You owe me no apology. And... I won't give you one for kissing you, either. [ Percival's giving him an out, but for once, Cain has no intention of taking it. He's not turning back now; he's already decided to lay everything out in the open, let Percival see it all and make judgement. ] It's true, I did it because I could think of no other way to bring you back to yourself at the time, but I only thought to do it at all because... because of my feelings for you.

[ The soft laughter, admittedly, makes him feel even more indignant. This is hard enough without feeling silly. ]

Is there something funny?

[ He at least stays quiet enough to let Cain finish, and though the statement shocks him, it wipes the frown completely off his face, expression replaced with a mixture of surprise and quickly mounting (and poorly veiled) hope. He actually stammers a bit as he continues. ]

Your... feelings for me?

[ He searches Cain curiously again, looking for any indication that this might be a joke. But he knows that Cain wouldn't do that. Not when they've come this far in the conversation, and not when he's trusting him with this emotional vulnerability.

Suddenly, it's as if something clicks within him. Cain has been a puzzle, and each piece has to be put meticulously in place before a glimpse of the bigger picture can be obtained. His voice grows quiet, gaze slightly diverted. ]

You... Before... you held back because of your fear of getting close to anyone?

[ This, then, is the true precipice. This is giving everything away if he answers. Percival, for all that his emotional intelligence is often that of a rock, isn't stupid. Even he won't be able to miss this, when it's spelled out so blatantly.

But it's something of a relief to put the last puzzle piece in Percival's hand. To give over the key to all of Cain's secrets. He breathes out the answer on a sigh. ]

Yes. If anyone came to care for me too much... I'm all too aware of how reckless I am. When I get hurt, it would only hurt them all the more, if they were close enough to care so much for me.

[ Cain is stupid. Percival is stupid. They are both the biggest fools. In that moment, Percival truly believes this.

But it's that side of Cain's noble nature, his consideration and care for others... that makes him like him all the more. Percival reaches up to rub his own temple, laughing softly.

There is lightness in his tone, however. ]

You are a pain. In case I haven't expressed it enough before, you are insufferable.

I'm—

[ He's betrayed, that's what! Here he is, opening his heart, and Percival is laughing at him! Calling him an insufferable pain! He hasn't told anyone this before, not the captain, not Reinhardtzar, not even Leona!

Cain huffs, much less amused, and pouts at Percival. Even with the lightness in Percival's tone! Insufferable! Hmph. ]

Truly the worst.

[ There, he can definitely finish Cain's sentence for him. There's no denying that Percival feels happier, giddier than he can remember in recent memory. He can't help but grin, despite Cain's dismay, despite the persistent redness to his cheeks. ]

If you're serious... then you'll let me enact my revenge. If this is another joke, I will end you.

[ Payback for all the times Cain has acted however he wished without being honest about his intentions. Said Payback starts with a firm hand to Cain's chin and ends with their lips meeting. ]

It's not a joke.

[ Faintly indignant, a little mumbled — Cain still sulking. But the sulk is quickly vanquished, his pout turning into a wide-eyed look of surprise as Percival grasps him by the chin. ]

But if you must have revenge— What are—

[ He tilts his head up, the rest of his question swallowed up by the press of Percival's mouth against his, ending in a soft gasp. For a moment he's frozen in shock, lets out a little mmph. But then he relaxes, slides a hand up into Percival's hair and leans into the hold — into the kiss, his eyes drifting shut as he smiles, parts his lips, lets Percival kiss him. ]

[ Percival feels lighter and happier than he has in months, and it certainly doesn't hurt that for once, he's able to get the upper hand on Cain, even if it's only momentary. It is likely that being aware of his own sentiment, coupled with the relief of living and breathing again, that leaves him feeling warm and embracing a glimmer of hope.

He lingers for a moment longer, savoring the moment and Cain's warmth. He does so, for the first time, without worry, doubt, or hesitation. Even when he pulls away, he lets his fingers graze along Cain's temple, framing his face gently. ]

Good. We are even now.

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