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Who: Linneus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
inaurare) & Dazai (cassus)
What: Linn is troubled by the birthday cake emoji. Dazai promised he could get rid of it.
When: April 5th - whisper it - Linneus' birthday.
Where: Olympia; tea parlour/cafe near the market place.
Warning(s): Will be updated as necessary - some discussion of the recent hostage/torture event, (self-)injury.
[Linneus hasn't been out much at all since the Sanctuary released him, has spent a lot of his time at home convalescing and trying avoid being outside. Crowds. People, in general. Healthy caution, after being hustled off the street and drugged.
He moves with care, still bandaged and healing yet under his clothes, and goes nowhere without a small knife tucked away and his miniature llama. Lula had been something of a surprise in the beginning, but she proved herself to be an indispensable companion, particularly recently. The little creature has her head leaned on Linneus' knee, letting him stroke her. It helps to make the wait less tense, but he still glances to the door every time he hears it open, occasionally opening cakestopper.jpg on his device to double-check who he is looking for.]
inaurare) & Dazai (cassus) What: Linn is troubled by the birthday cake emoji. Dazai promised he could get rid of it.
When: April 5th - whisper it - Linneus' birthday.
Where: Olympia; tea parlour/cafe near the market place.
Warning(s): Will be updated as necessary - some discussion of the recent hostage/torture event, (self-)injury.
[Linneus hasn't been out much at all since the Sanctuary released him, has spent a lot of his time at home convalescing and trying avoid being outside. Crowds. People, in general. Healthy caution, after being hustled off the street and drugged.
He moves with care, still bandaged and healing yet under his clothes, and goes nowhere without a small knife tucked away and his miniature llama. Lula had been something of a surprise in the beginning, but she proved herself to be an indispensable companion, particularly recently. The little creature has her head leaned on Linneus' knee, letting him stroke her. It helps to make the wait less tense, but he still glances to the door every time he hears it open, occasionally opening cakestopper.jpg on his device to double-check who he is looking for.]
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[ Dazai does his best not to smile too widely or chuckle in amusement at how Linneus practically dodges his own scandalous admission of wanting things, as if airing those thoughts will either jinx them or shame him in some way. To offset the momentary gloom his voice dips conspiratorially low, sharing a secret that only Linneus seems to find taboo. Playfully matching his companion's whispers, he aims for a light-hearted attempt at teasing that isn't mockery in the least.
Of all things in this world, want is hardly the worst of them. And wishing to lay claim to anything, to say 'I need this', is no sign of selfishness or greed. Not when everyone deserves to voice what their heart desires to make them whole or to proclaim how empty a lack of a particular thing may make them. ]
You're allowed to have wants, Linneus.
[ Spoken in those low tones, it sounds as though their subject has shifted yet again, away from merely the arduous tasks of mental recovery, and back towards those unspoken things that both have hinted to.
And yet his follow up couldn't hold purer intentions or more encouraging words for a young man who seems to need all the reassurance in the world that he's allowed things, and to hold his breath in hopes of them. ]
A home of your own, hobbies, friends, love, relationships- All of it.
[ The sheer sake of wanting those things and being firm in needing them is no crime. Even a man as ruined as Dazai is permitted to desire more for himself than he ever has considered in his life before. ]
Ah, you're right. [ A small shake of his head. ] No favors.
[ He mirrors the rebuttal, doing so as his way of making a promise. Dazai knows that in Linneus's life bartering one thing for another leaves too much pain in it's wake. So a favor done for the sake of another, with the hope of getting something in the end, surely hits too close to home. So he tactfully rephrases it in the vein of a mutual venture. ]
A shared experience, then?
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[but he's skirting again, a little shy with the way Dazai drops his voice to match, as though they are sharing secrets together. He knows it in principle, of course he does - he even believed it once, though it has been some years since.
Yet all of that sounds so much. More than he might have asked for, more than someone like him might have hoped.]
I'm still figuring those out as well - it's silly but... reassuring myself, almost.
[because he has dodged his wants for years; to the extent that it was strange settling into his own home. Living alone is still an adjustment, but he has been gaining a little more confidence in arranging the house how he likes, displaying the things he likes, letting the house reflect more of him. He's had his touchstones but after so long deliberately avoiding things with the knowledge his guests would be averse to them; curating an image for his guests kept up so long it was practically an identity... even small things feel almost daring; silly, simple things like how he'd been practicing portraits with his watercolours instead of landscapes and flower studies.]
No favours.
[in the affirmative this time; an agreement struck, but he echoes a little further with a slight tilt of his head]
A shared experience, is it?
[experience might not be the word, but sharing... it's a rare thing indeed, for him to be an equal in anything.]
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[ He doesn't need to remind Linneus that they truly are adrift in quite similar little boats, but there's something reaffirming in reminding himself of this. It feels like trusting Linneus is the right choice, when so often they seem to be looking into a mirror or strange reflecting pool, when staring at one another's wounds and the crosses they carry. ]
This place affords things otherwise impossible.
[ Even the most asininely simple and universally deserved, like love. ]
Not just for you, but many of us.
[ Dazai can't stand to be still for too long, be it due to nerves or exposing too much of his truths to this man he's just met. So his free hand toys with his fork, trying to balance it upon the table-top. ]
Yes, I think so. [ The best phrasing escapes him. But this'll do. ] Helping each other, equally.
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[echoing again softly - something about the wording, again]
I’ve been given things before - beautiful things but... objects, material thing. Nothing that really mattered and usually only because they were no trouble to give.
[Gilder was different; Gilder saved to see him; to afford rates that were a drop in a bucket for his other guests. Saved to see him when he could have gone to any number of cheaper brothels and still had money to spare - and if it were expensive he wanted, there were plenty of places for that too. But Gilder had returned for him. Linneus was still picking over his feelings on that one. But it feels like he is just... talking, and he tries to redirect himself-]
So those... they were things I ruled out for myself, for sure. The better to ward off disappointment, perhaps, even though the Natha said I might have them here...
[he will not point out that that fork is probably never going to stand - but he will brace himself for the clatter]
That's fair, I think.
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He enjoys the mental acrobatics of trying to pluck out just the right words for precisely the correct feeling. So Dazai hardly breaks a sweat over the discussion. If anything he's enjoying himself all the more because it feels like challenge.
Not quite on par with chess, but a verbal exchange where ideas can meet or clash and defend is just the kind of sparring he was made for. ]
I was thinking more along the lines of life experiences with others.
[ The few which he's named are some of the most important, but there are less monumental ones. Walks on the beach or star-gazing with a lover under a full moon are others, still extraordinary and out of reach things for those who live outside the normalcy of typical people. ]
Those are harder. It takes time to build those relationships.
[ Dazai sets the fork down, his brows lifted in compassion as he directs his focus towards Linneus again. ]
Personally speaking, I think they're much more worthwhile in the end.
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[he knows all of this - that these experiences were what Dazai was referring to, the building of such relationships, are worthier and more precious than any of the gifts he was ever lavished with. That the building itself takes such experiences, such little moments, such time. He has done it once, but since...? No one has stayed - Linneus has never been in a position where that might be possible before.]
I know this.
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[ He can tell Linneus is wrestling with his own personal demons. And all the while each of Dazai's words, brimming with well intentions and the hope to heal, merely seem to further rub Linneus' struggles into his face.
Even though they've shared more than most do upon first acquaintances, Dazai is in no position to preach to the choir and declare ideas that he cannot begin to know whether Linneus has experienced the hard way.
It's a difficult thing to rein in. So rarely does he feel comfortable like this, telling the truth and merely talking without expecting it to be used against him as blackmail or betrayal. But they're still very much strangers beyond this singular encounter. And remembering that is the best way to stay mindful of Linneus' fragile feelings. ]
Forgive me, won't you?
[ The hand underneath Linneus' turns over, palm up and open so that his fingers can catch hold of those slender digits above his. There's a gentle closure shortly afterward, but not quite a squeeze. ]
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[softly, shaking his head. It's an easy enough thing to accept that hold, even leaning slightly in as though encouraged by it]
I know this. I only mean that it's hard.
[he is more than used to baring himself physically on a first meeting, but emotionally...? He's shared today more than he ever would with anyone, never mind a relative stranger - Linneus isn't sure if that's as much a mark of his growth here as his lingering fragility from the events of the previous month and he fights still with the impulse to run from anything the might force him to confront his feelings. Years too late, he is trying to lean into it more and trust again.
Perhaps doing so leads him too far in that direction too soon, but it is a start.]
There's nothing to be forgiven, please...
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[ Accustomed to donning any role and playing whatever part his present situation demands of him, Dazai has no difficulty fabricating life stories within the landscape of his mind, all of which are anything but his own reality. It's not a far stretch to place himself into Linneus' life, imagining walking a mile in the other man's shoes and then reflecting on how that may very well impact his companion's involvements with others.
Baring all of your skin to another's whims is a different act entirely than doing likewise with your soul. True, the two can and do overlap in rare circumstances. But when the former happens time and time again, without the real want for it or those behind lingering touches, it can eradicate the ability to reveal more than what lies on the surface. It's too easy, rote and routine, to mechanically go through the motions while knowing nothing more could ever possibly be allowed to blossom there.
He's never been forced into the same sort of slavery. But letting someone in, deeper than the superficial things than run only skin deep? That's a struggle he knows. ]
Trusting people not to hurt you. [ 'Betray or leave you' remain unspoken crimes he's both committed and suffered. ] When they've done it before.
[ Commiserating this way yet again, Dazai finds himself handing even further pieces of honesty over into Linneus' possession. But what's one more part of the puzzle of a man who few have ever solved, when he savors in the looming danger of finally being understood.
He'll risk it, along with at long last a gentle squeeze of the hand within his. ]
Good. I wouldn't want to break your heart over a few words. [ A playful smirk, completely teasing. ] ...Not quite yet.
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[however veiled his suspicion might be. It is is still no good thing to fall into habits, to judge people even if their intentions may be entirely innocent only because his wariness was customary.
A low chuckle, shaking his head again]
Ah, but if you could be so kind as to go without breaking it at all...
[the banter back is easy, if strange with the awareness that Dazai knows the full depth of his words]
...I would be grateful.
[what pieces he has left are small and not easily reassembled]
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[ Dazai is the very benchmark for dragging the monumental weight of every cross he bears with him, no matter how small his steps forward may be. He cannot bring himself to let go of a history that has become his very mantra for living.
"Be on the side that saves people... Become a good man."
Odasaku's words ring in his ears to the beat of his own heart, and they might as well be, with how ingrained they've become in his progress. Before those words had been spoken, Dazai had never believed himself to be anything even near to a shade of decent. And yet after hearing them he'd taken up a mantle and the beliefs that drive his every action now.
How can you not be a product of your past?
Dazai is a strange and awful amalgamation of a dying man's final words and a broken child's terrible taste of a life full of the darkest evils. He cannot ever separate the two halves of himself, bury and subdue, but never divide them and become wholly good without the taint of his darker self.
Linneus should be no different. And the same goes for everyone else. ]
Is it fair to expect trust from you without earning it?
[ He turns Linneus's words around, posing the reverse as a question. Because it's a valid notion to ponder. Relying on others doesn't happen without work. Placing faith in people without evidence that your investment is worthwhile is simply foolish or just naive. It's a sure fire way to end up disappointed.
Paranoia is one thing; unhealthy as a rule and dangerous in the worst of times. But being cautious about others has kept him alive more instances than he can count on both hands.]
I'll do my best not to.
[ Dazai can't make promises, when a person's heart tends to do as it pleases without ever consulting the parties it involves or even reason. But, this much is still more than he affords others who make his acquaintance. ]
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[but trust is a little new. It's not as if he has never trusted, but Linneus isn't sure how much of a right he has to be talking about trust. Even if it is the foundation of most friendships, relationships, it has been a long, long time since Linneus has had any relationship founded on trust. Only necessity, utility - the better to minimise any heartbreak.]
...I trusted you with this, didn't I? Was I wrong?
[it doesn't feel like a mistake]
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[ He ought to pass tender reassurances Linneus' way, to sooth away any buds of insecurity which may bloom into outright fear. But their relationship isn't one based on the sort of deceptions he feeds tender young things like the treats tonight, whose hearts are better swaddled by blissful ignorance than the bitterness of reality. ]
Only time will tell. It's a little early in the game to assess the damage.
[ Any involvement between people can come back to the dance of warfare, where the strategies borne from exchanges like these reap gains and losses, depending on their success.
Dazai may very well do him damage in the end, just as easily as the reverse could come into fruition. It depends on what they want, what's taken, and how the dice end up falling when everyone has played their hands. The fallout could be devastating unless they both stand on equal ground on these terms, or amicably forfeit the things they want to negotiate compromises. ]
Somehow, it seems I've put my trust into you too.
[ Like a blade to Dazai's throat, he places this knowledge into Linneus' hands, well aware he's playing with fire. Not that his companion will likely understand the ramifications of Dazai's bestowal of faith in any person.
It might as well be a weapon pointed at his head, for all the havoc that sincerely caring could cause him. ]
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...there is often damage - even when none is meant. It is just a question of waiting for it to become apparent.
[weeks, months, years down the line. Goodness, but he knows even sweetness can leave its own scars - he's quite resigned to it, at this point.]
I will do my best to show it is not misplaced in me, I promise.
[And if he finds his trust misplaced he will do as he has always done - smile, laugh and shrug his shoulders. With any loss, with any small victory, it is all he can.]
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[ There's no elaboration, no further acknowledgment or examples given that add credence to Linneus' wise profession. If anything Dazai's close-lipped silence after that is enough.
Their hands may seem idle, but his stirs every now and again, as if lonely and in need to seek reassurance that there is something steadfastly beside it. Mostly his thumb does all the work, brushing lightly and taking turns with the conversation that ebbs and flows between them. ]
I know I can trust you, Linneus
[ A rare thing for people to say, and rarer still to come from a man who has only uttered the endearment of 'friend' to a man he lost years ago. But he needs this, from the contact at hands cradled together to the feeling he speaks in the quiet of their own little world, unseeing of anyone else in the bustling little establishment around them. ]