closed; dive down deep to save my head

[nostalgiabomb]

Who: Peter Quill (nostalgiabomb) & Mantis (uglybug)
What: finally addressing what they saw during the memory share
When: Ma...y? End of May.
Where: the Guardians' place
Warning(s): mentions of child abuse and child murder and possible rampant use of outdated pop culture references


[ It's not that Peter has been avoiding Mantis.

Because— obviously, he isn't. He hasn't been. And that's impossible to do, considering they live in the same house, under the same roof.

His routine doesn't change much, and he still speaks with her, jokes with her, teaches her random tidbits about his life on Earth; things don't really change. So it's a complete coincidence that they haven't been in a room together without Rocket and/or Gamora there as a buffer. And it's a coincidence that Peter frequently found a reason to excuse himself if it became clear that it would just be the two of them. Sometimes he just wanted some alone time, you know? Or sometimes he forgot about that "Thing" he needed to go pick up from a store, or some random errand that he needed to run before it got too late.

He's had a lot to process, and he's needed time to do it – though, admittedly, the first couple weeks of the month were spent aggressively ignoring the Ego-sized elephant in the room, pretending nothing had happened, pretending that he hadn't been witness to the ugly truths about Ego and all the children that came before Peter. It's how he reacted to the bullshit when he woke up on Thesa Station, after all – by pretending there wasn't a problem, by ignoring and ignoring and ignoring, because there wasn't any good way to deal with it, so why bother?

Now, though, his mind drifts to it, even if he wants to pretend it never happened. He thinks of the terrified wails of that child whose name he'll never know, and he thinks of the thousands and thousands of half-siblings he might have had, strewn across the galaxy, and he thinks of—

He thinks of Mom, smiling up at the night sky as she and Peter stargazed, tousling his hair and telling him, "Your daddy'll be back, one of these days, and he's just gonna adore you."

... So, alright. Maybe he has been avoiding Mantis.

And maybe he hasn't been processing it all as well or as thoroughly as he could have.

And maybe one night, he wakes, sweating, gasping, clawing at his chest and neck to yank out the tendrils of Light Ego had slammed through him, and he sobs with relief when he realizes there's nothing there. That it was just a dream. That he's fine. He's fine. He's totally fine.

(He's not.)

There's a lot on his mind. And it occurs to him if there's a lot on his mind, there must be a lot on Mantis' mind, and if anyone is going to get how fucked up this whole thing was, they're going to find that person in each other.




After exploring Khalo Village, Peter returns some time after sunset, bearing gifts – a shear, sparkly shawl and a dark wooden lacquered bracelet to replace the items Mantis had lost during the riots, all those months ago. The aero-rig Rocket had given him brings him up to the balcony, and he climbs over the railing to enter the mess that is their place.

Because front doors are for losers. ]

Mantis? You here?

Comments

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He winces, nodding as she finishes – a signal that he understands, at least a little. ]

Right. Yeah.

[ just to fill the quiet, even if his voice is a little rough.

The next question is harder, and he has to work his way up to it, dredging up the courage with a few rallying breaths. ]

... How many of them did you see?

[uglybug]

[She shrugs. He wants so many specifics and she's wiped them from her mind as thoroughly as she possibly can.]

He never stopped trying. Sometimes, there would be long periods when none would come. Sometimes, they would arrive one right after another. [And sometimes, she would go with him when he took it upon himself to seek out one of his children.

But she doesn't think that is what Peter wants to know.] Once, when I was very young, I remember a boy who was older than me. I followed him everywhere. He told me stories about Ravagers and cosmic storms and creatures in the dark places and how he would fight them off. I wanted to go to all these fantastic places he told me about.

[There's a burning behind her eyes.] I think Ego thought that I was too fascinated by the idea of having a friend. He made me go stay in my room one day.

[And that was the end of that budding friendship.] I miss him.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ The mention of the Ravagers makes him go rigid, straightening in his seat.

... Ego had told him, of course, about how he had tasked Yondu with retrieving some of the children he had sired across the galaxy. Peter wonders if the kid Mantis is talking about is one of the many Yondu had brought to Ego's planet.

Would it matter if it was? Probably not, but the thought still drifts across his mind.

When he catches the anger in her eyes, when he sees the regret that darkens her face, Peter casts her a quick, sympathetic look. ]

He sounds like he was a good kid.

[uglybug]

He was. [She's pretty sure that they all were, in some way, good. Not that they would ever know. She presses her lips together, clearly uncomfortable in this conversation -- but not so anxious that she is on the verge of running away.

It's a step up.]

I'm sorry, Peter. For all of it. I wish there had been something I could do.

[nostalgiabomb]

Hey, no.

[ He moves forward to the edge of his seat, ducking his head a little to better catch her gaze. ]

Listen. None of that was on you, okay? You were just a kid, trying to get by. I mean, I get that. I lived that.

None of that was your fault.

[uglybug]

[She raises her gaze to meet his, silently assessing his words and his lack of condemnation. To hear it means more to her than she can say, after walking on eggshells and constantly wondering where she stands after all of that.]

You lived it?

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He hesitates with the question – there’s a whole lot of complicated shit between him and Yondu, and maybe if they had defeated Ego, maybe if the Storm hadn’t arrived when it had, maybe (maybe, maybe) the two of them could have gotten gloriously drunk and finally just... hashed out what the hell they meant to each other. Maybe if they had had time, Peter would have grabbed Yondu by the arm to keep the old bastard from running off, and the two of them could have gotten it all out on the table and reached some sort of understanding.

(Apparently, Peter takes it for granted that everyone would have survived the encounter with Ego. The Guardians have gotten by on pure, dumb luck so far. Why shouldn’t that keep holding for them?)

Instead, Peter has decades of a shitty childhood under his belt. He has a blue asshole who looked after him for nearly thirty years of his life, who, in spite of everything, came to help rescue him.

... It’s fucking complicated. And Peter wishes Yondu were awake so they could just. Figure it the hell out.

But, right. Easier things to tackle – for a given value of “easier,” considering how thorny this all is. ]

I... well. When Yondu took me, he made it pretty clear that I needed to do what I was told, or else they’d kill me. And the Ravager lifestyle wasn’t exactly— I mean, you could hardly call it “wholesome.”

So I stole things, and I fought, and I killed, and— I mean, admittedly, I’m pretty good at it now, but back then, I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to be a good guy, you know? The kinda guy who helped the helpless and solved problems and did the right thing, like Captain Kirk or Luke Skywalker. But it was either fall in line, or get chucked out of an airlock.

So... you know. Not amazing choices.

[uglybug]

[She understands.

Okay, she might not understand the particulars of his situation and she might not be familiar with overt threats - Ego always implied more than he directly stated, but Mantis had very quickly learned to parse meaning between his words.]

All I remember is Ego. [A story for a story. Sort of.] He found me. I do not know where I am from or why he decided to bring me home. Good behavior was rewarded. Bad behavior was punished.

Not amazing choices. [She repeats it with a wry, humorless little quirk of her lips.] I think that we both did the best that we could.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Some day, his jaw will stop clenching at the sound of Ego's name, and at some point, he'll stop feeling that sour curl of disgust in his gut for it.

Today definitely isn't that day, and this conversation is bringing that particular quirk to light pretty often. ]

Yeah.

[ a little roughly, a little quietly. He takes a breath, letting it slowly, then, ]

We played the hands we were dealt. Obviously they weren't great, but— they're what we had.

[ He pauses, thinking it over, before catching Mantis' gaze. ]

It took a lot of guts, telling Drax everything and going against Ego.

[uglybug]

[She shakes her head. Telling Drax of Ego's plans had been born solely of fear; it had been the only way some of them might have survived. If Ego caught her, she would have been dead. If Ego succeeded in his plan, she would have been dead.]

Drax let me feel what he felt when he spoke of his daughter. I-- I had never known... [She falters a bit. She still wonders what it might have been like if Ego had actually loved her.]

If Ego had caught me, I think he would have killed me. But his Expansion would have done the same thing. I didn't want to be party to another death, especially not after knowing what it's supposed to feel like. [There's a part of her, though, that knows she wouldn't have been able to keep doing it. If she had reached a point where facing death didn't faze her anymore, then it wouldn't have taken much of a push to take care of that herself.

If Ego would have let her.] If you and your friends had stopped him... I didn't think that far ahead.

[Who is she to hope?]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ She's definitely downplaying her contribution to the whole thing, he thinks. She played a big part in guiding them, in pointing them in the right direction. Peter's not entirely sure why she doesn't seem to recognize it, but maybe that's just... conditioning at work? He's not sure.

When she trails off, though, he shrugs. ]

You would've come with us.

[ And he says it with absolute certainty. ]

If you wanted to, anyway. I mean, obviously we're... kind of an acquired taste, so if you decided to go your own way, there wouldn't have been any hard feelings.

[uglybug]

[Some of the weight seems to lift from her shoulders. Lately, here in Wyver, she'd wondered once in awhile if her part in this little group had been simply out of obligation. Some odd need to make sure that one other person they met from their previous lives turned out okay.

So to hear that she would have had the opportunity even if the Storm hadn't come lifts a weight from her shoulders that the remnants of the Storm, with its memories walking among the living, had given her.]

I don't want to. [Go her own way, she means.] You are my friends.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ It’s such an oddly genuine and simple declaration, that Peter offers a small, pleased little smile for it. ]

Yeah. So there you go, then. You’re one of us, if you wanna be.

[ Simple as that.

The Guardians were in something of a habit of picking up strays, after all, considering that’s what they all were before the met. Just a bunch of lost, lonely people, who were startled to join up with something larger, more important than themselves.

It’s weird, and it’s messy, but that’s kind of how family is in the first place, right? So it works.

He falls quiet for a breath before he frowns, head tilting slightly. ]

Was that not obvious? I mean, you’ve been with us for a while now.

[uglybug]

[She worries her lip and lets herself think about her response before she says anything. It's a complex question and she could answer in a thousand different ways. The only friends she had ever had were taken from her after a very short time and she never learned how to maintain an actual relationship.

The only lens she's ever viewed one through is Ego's.

She's learning and she's afraid she's fouling it up every time she speaks.]

I don't know how to have friends. I was very afraid that if I messed up being a friend somehow, you might decide that there were better people to be your friends.

[A breath.] I was part of some very bad things. I would not have blamed you if you decided to tell me to leave you alone.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He lets her work her way through it, staying silent to give her time. And when she finishes, he nods a little in understanding.

He licks his lips, eyebrows knitting together as he chooses his own words. Then, carefully, ]

You know— all of us have done some pretty awful things. Stuff we might be ashamed of. And... I think we're all still trying to figure this out, you know? Having friends. Having family.

[ He pauses for a second, before he leans forward, elbows resting on his legs and his hands clasping loosely together. ]

What I'm trying to say is, I think we've all got a good idea of how difficult this can be. It was pretty unfamiliar territory for a lot of us. We know how it is.

... So, I think you're kind of in good company, if that makes any sense.

[uglybug]

[She has never spent much time around a person who lets her work through her own thoughts -- or even lets her have her own thoughts. She's learning to set aside a lifetime of conditioning in the not-quite year she's been in this place.

Sometimes, she still stumbles, as evidenced by the fact that she and Peter have to have this conversation.]

It makes sense. [She pauses, lips pressed together for a moment.] The only family I ever had was Ego. I don't think he gave me a good idea of what family actually is. I'm trying to learn, too.

[nostalgiabomb]

Screw Ego.

[ And the words just— fall out of him, heated and sharp. He doesn’t even realize he’s thinking it before he hears himself say them.

He frowns at himself for a second, not quite embarrassed but something that might share a few blood relatives with it, but he quickly decides, Fuck it. It’s not like it’s any big secret how Peter feels about the guy. ]

I can tell you right now, whatever idea he had on family was messed up and totally wrong. Hell, Ego was just... wrong. About everything. Full stop.

And I’m not saying we’re perfect? But we’re definitely a lot better at this family thing than he ever was.