[ closed ]

[cwiclac]

Who: Lily Potter (cwiclac), James Potter (heorot), Sirius Black (doggo), and Remus Lupin (xxxxx)
What: Keep calm, the Potters have arrived.
When: Lucky number Sept. 10 (or so).
Where: Varies depending on the thread.
Warning(s): Death. Sadness. Attempted child murder. Welcome to Harry Potter!

[ this is a closed log to deal with the initial waking up drama of the marauder era & co. harry potter cast, to avoid clogging the intro log and wasting away the captcha. threads down below to be created by the cast. ]

Comments

( james: waking up )

[cwiclac]

[ the first thing she feels is fear.

the voice tells her that james is awake, and that her son is safe. that is the first thing she hears, quickly followed by the stark realization of what had happened moments ago. moments. she can feel the grip of terror in her stomach and the immediate urge to be ready, to fight to --

-- where is her son?

once she is awake and properly out of the damn pod, her legs shaking and her fingers curled around her wand in a practical death grip, she staggers forward to turn, to look. harry. she has to find harry. harry was in her arms, in his room -- when he came in, and voldemort had killed her. killed james. that much she knew for certain, but harry had been alive, in her arms, when voldemort had struck with the killing curse -- which means harry had been with her.

but he wasn't with her now, and that fear resurfaces again, but now lily at least can move. preoccupied, maybe, and ignoring what had happened -- ignoring half of what the voice had told her, which was that james is awake (which is impossible, because she heard him die, she heard voldemort kill him, murder him), and focusing instead on the second piece. harry.

it's in moving that, finally, the reality of the situation catches up to her. the pods. the storm. the destruction of... something, what was it? but the ringing in her ear, and voldemort's laugh, and not knowing where her son is . . .

when james sees her, she looks... lost. lost, and pale, and desperately forcing herself to keep walking forward, on some sort of silent mission to herself to find harry.

part of her hoping not to find him, because if this is the afterlife, then that means voldemort truly did win. ]

this is f i n e

[heorot]

[ when he gets out of the pod, it's with more than a little panic. there are memories, things he remembers doing, but that couldn't....it couldn't have happened. he remembers snow and ice and sirius. ice breaking. his heart in his throat, screaming - and lily. harry. home. there's so much going on during those first few steps out of the pod that james nearly trips, catching himself the closest thing he can reach.

he takes a breath, and then another. part of him thinks sirius, and his eyes are scanning the room. but then his next thought, the next beat of his heart, the next breath he pulls in, screams find lily and harry and it's that thought that pushes him into his next step. then another. then off into a run. ]

Lily?! Lily! [ that little bit of panic is rising, because he needs to know. the voice had told him his loved ones would be safe, but he knows she's here. like a part of his soul is somewhere in this room with him. she is here, he knows it like he knew this would be their best way out, and he takes no time in racing around to check the others. he sees faces, sees various stages of confusion, of shock, but he's looking for one.

one woman, one head of hair, one lily evans potter.

he has to find her. he has to. she's here because she has to be and she'll have harry. james knows these things, and this knowledge is the main force in pushing him in the search. he still thinks about how ridiculous this all how, how much he still isn't sure about this deal he made, but with everything coming from them, the darkness, voldemort...

it doesn't matter. or- it will matter. later. after he finds lily. after he knows she and harry are safe. after they're all safe. ]

Lil- [ he turns some corner, goes around one aisle, and there she is. and really, james probably would have noticed more to her walk. more to her stature. more to her, really, if he'd been paying attention. but the problem is- he sees her, her, and his heart swells so much that he has to swallow it back. his chest tightens painfully, but right, and he's running- no, sprinting- in her direction, pulling her against his chest the second he gets there. ]

Merlin I was so scared I wouldn't find you... [ and now - finally - he takes a breath. can breathe for the first time since he opened his eyes. but now that she's hear, the rest of it can come together. the rest of it can happen, because he is, finally whole. ]

[cwiclac]

[ she doesn't hear her name at first, nor does she comprehend that james is running toward her until right before he touches her. and immediately, lily is tense, almost at the ready -- but then james has grabbed her and has pulled her against his chest, and he's speaking into her hair.

she, for a moment, just sort of ... stands there, almost in shock, as james starts talking. he's breathing. she can feel his heart beating against her cheek from where she's resting against his chest, and she can feel his hands on her back, through her hair. she doesn't raise her own arms to hug him quite yet, and there's an odd pressure building in her chest.

how? your husband is awake. but that shouldn't be possible. none if this is possible. james should not be awake, and if he is awake, then . . . why was he afraid he wouldn't find her? because she's dead. obviously. but so is he, so is this the afterlife, or was the voice actually telling the truth?

the pressure in her chest moves to her throat, and she takes a shuddered breath against him. and, finally, lily allows herself to all-but-sag against him, her legs stumbling forward as she lets her arms properly hang there, her wand slipping from her fingers to hit the floor. but now that she has allowed herself the tiniest moment of relaxation, the pressure in her throat finally gives way into a shuddered sob. ]

I . . .

[ harry.

the thought sends a jolt into her, and she grips james' shirt -- solid. he is real, and present, and lily tries to draw in a breath, but it comes out in another choked sob. ]

-- Harry, I don't have -- I was holding... I was holding Harry when --

[ but she doesn't manage to finish her sentence. ]

( sirius: searching )

[heorot]

[ when he and lily split, it is with some hesitation. some worry that maybe, maybe, this isn't the best idea. but it is also near the end of their talk that james starts thinking about those memories, those flashes of snow. he'd pushed them away, temporarily, in the search for lily. in making sure she was okay, safe, just as the voice had told him. but now that he knew, now that everything had been turned on its head, the pain in his chest is for a different name.

sirius.

though it had been quick, barely a second or two, he recalls the way sirius had scrambled for him. the way that - once they were finally back to solid, frozen ground. desperate, almost blindly, sirius had lunged for him, shaking from more than just the snow clinging to his clothes, his hair, his skin. james remembers the relief of hitting ground, the pride of it having come through, and the confusion. the confusion of why this strange-

something in james groans, guilty and in pain. sirius. it was sirius - older and thinner and mangled, which were things he would have to deal with later, but him. he wasn't a stranger. he wasn't. he knew him as well as, if not more than, he knew himself. that guilt claws at him, dragging down the walls of his chest, needing more for the entire memory. for the way he'd asked his name, for the way he hadn't recognized the answer, for the flippant, almost careless way sirius had almost died.

that makes two of us a dark thought reminds him, but he pushes it away and walks out down the hallway. he doesn't know what is happening, doesn't know how all of this can fit together, but for now it's enough that lily is okay and - if that voice is to be trusted - so is harry. he knows sirius is here, the same way he knew lily would be, and that is enough to push him to the search. to keep his feet moving as he starts down unfamiliar halls.

belatedly, he realizes his hands are shaking, but he writes that off as unimportant as they ball into fists and he continues.

he has to find sirius. the rest can follow. ]

[heorot]

[ he knows something is wrong - it doesn't take too much to gather that from their situation alone, nevermind lily's reactions. he doesn't care all that much about it at first, just needing her and her heartbeat and the heat of her body next to his. familiar, real, here. he needs the second more for him than for her, which in inherently selfish, he knows, but necessary.

necessary for james to notice the tension in lily's shoulders. necessary for him to feel the way she stands, without reacting, for a moment too long. he kisses the top of her head, an action that is as much habit as it is a conscious decision, and he tightens his arms around her. ]

Lily, love- [ he's about to pull back from her just to get a better look at her face when that shuddered breath happens. when she finally, finally collapses against him. he hears the wand hit the floor, but he doesn't care enough to reach down and pick it up, holding her body up against his to keep her upright. ] It's alright, it's okay, I'm here, we're fine-

[ the words spill out before he has the time to think about them, trying more for a simple reassuring noise than anything else. but then lily sobs, lily mentions harry, and james goes a bit tense himself. just for a moment, until he can push that tension into his arms, holding her tighter, as if that will help. ]

He's fine. They said he'd be fine- [ but his throat is tight, a solid mass sitting somewhere directly under his adams apple. he tries to swallow around it, tries to pitch his voice a little lighter, but he's unsure of it's effectiveness. harry. ] They said they would keep you both safe. He's got to be here somewhere. He's okay. [ that last bit has bit more conviction to it, like if he can sound sure enough then they both could be convinced. ]

We'll find him.

[cwiclac]

[ the more james insists that it's going to be okay, the worse the pressure in her chest gets. because it isn't okay. none of this is okay, and for a moment, lily is quite nearly angry. or she would be, if she weren't crushingly relieved to have james be here, and present, and rambling on like he always does whenever she is even close to being upset.

his role (albeit a role no one forced upon him but himself) is to make her feel better. for half a second, it almost works. lily's breathing calms a little at the reassurance that they will find their son, and while she is still shaking and all but being held up by james, she can at least breathe.

breathe, enough, to try and continue.

voldemort didn't even want me, he wanted harry.

. . . but the moment her lips attempt to form the word -- voldemort -- she's suddenly struck by this bizarre terror. and, reflectively, lily realizes that perhaps this is why all of these people refuse to say his name. as if the spectre in the dark would magically manifest himself the moment you say his name too many times.

shameful. after all of these years of constantly lecturing her fellow muggle-borns to take pride in themselves and to not kowtow to fear and tyranny, lily potter can't even say his damn name. ]

He didn't even want me, he wanted Harry.

[ it's said quietly, in a ragged tone -- exhausted, her fingers still curled into james' shirt as if he is going to vanish at any given moment. but lily, after saying that -- the sentence seems to give her some sort of strength and somewhere, something clicks. because james is right, and harry has to be here somewhere. that means, by the same string of logic, he might be here somewhere, and over her dead body is voldemort going to find him before she does.

she straightens herself, her hair something of a mess and her eyes reddened with tears, but she manages to pull herself away from james, reaching out one hand to bring her wand back to it. though her other hand is still gripping his shirt, to keep him here, because if this isn't the afterlife, and a miracle really did happen, then voldemort isn't going to take james away again, either. ]

[heorot]

[ it takes a moment - because in that moment james is wrestling with the understanding that it worked and they're here and he has lily - before he's really able to start noticing her reaction. before he can start to process the fact she was holding harry before they got here. but it's okay, he truly believes it's okay, because they told him that his loved ones were safe and in this moment, he has to believe them. he has to trust them.

harry is here.

he kisses the top of her head again, trying to coax her into breathing more slowly, trying to - despite his own tension - get her to relax. he feels her tense again, feels her hand tighten in his shirt, and he rubs across her back as soothingly as he can manage. ]

Hey, hey, it's okay. We're here, I'm here, we're okay. [ as just a continued stream of words, something to clear the air, familiar and comfortable to surround them in this alien and unknown place. he knows it won't do much, but lily is panicked and for james, that changes his priorities to strictly calming her down. that's why, when she does speak up, it takes a second or so for him to put together what she means.

he didn't even want me

but he doesn't get it. the last thing he remembers was a dark night, a quiet street, lily putting harry to bed and him heading up the stairs. it was threatening to rain, but nothing too dangerous. nothing he had even really started to worry about, other than his plan to let harry wander the gardens being pushed back another week.

he wanted harry. ]

He? [ the question is returned just as quietly, almost innocent. he leans away marginally, trying to gather any kind of information he can from her reaction. her hands are still in his shirt, but she seems....settled, in a way. pulled back together. he's not that selfish to think it was just from him, so he continues to watch, eyes a bit wide as she straightens herself and pulls away, picking up her wand but not quiet letting go of him.

there's a kind of dangerous understanding settled somewhere under her skin. something solid, decisive, and dark. james watches it, his eyes scanning every inch of her like there could be a clue hidden that he hadn't picked up on. but when he doesn't quite find the simple answer he was looking for, he reaching to gently touch her elbow. ]

Lily- [ it's gentle, like he's trying to coax something out of her without it setting off whatever she had been wrestling with. it's quiet, like he's trying to keep it secret between them, like there could be other people listening. it's worried, like he's watching lily stand in front on him in pain and there's nothing he can do about it. ]

What are you talking about?

[cwiclac]

[ the questioning causes her to tense again, but lily stops -- really, properly stops at his final question. and for the first time, she actually turns to look up at him, and her eyes flicker toward his face. scanning him, really looking at him.

maybe it's the war, but for half a second, she's terrified all over again. because james asking what she is talking about is impossible. how could he ask her such a stupid question when -- and for another half a second (and, again, the war), she realizes she never bothered to make sure this was james in the first place.

. . . but once she looks at him, that fear is gone, because this is james. her james, and how he holds himself, how gentle his tone is, how he's tiptoeing around making her upset but still asking the necessary question. it is james. but he's still asking a stupid question, and while james asks a lot of stupid questions, he never asks purposefully hurtful stupid questions, and he never plays dumb. not with her. not now.

her voice sounds raspy, from the crying (and, belatedly, she realizes, probably from the screaming): ]

Him. You -- [ no, she is not bending to that foolishness. ] Voldemort.

[ it's soft (and she hates how she nearly hesitates before saying the name, but while her voice is soft, lily forces herself to say it with conviction, every syllable purposeful), watching his face. her hands are shaking, but adrenaline is keeping her in one spot, upright, for the time being.

finally, she retracts her hand from james' shirt, so she can push her hair out of her face. her fingers are shaking. ]

He didn't want me. He wanted Harry. And if -- if he's here, then we need. . .

[ lily stops herself, because she can't allow herself to be panicked again. panic serves no one. she has to keep her head, because now, something is wrong with james, and her priority has to shift to that. because if james is compromised, then lily truly is on her own, here. ]

Did he wipe your memory? [ carefully, gently. ] Do you remember Halloween?

[heorot]

[ he pauses when she finally looks up at him, as if moving would throw off whatever sort of peace they'd managed to claw themselves into. lily looks at him, and james looks back, honest about everything running through his head in that moment. the concern, the worry, the stress, the relief - anything he can show her, he does, because it's lily and if there's anything she's looking for, he wants her to find it.

there is a second there where everything stops, frozen somewhere in the space between them. lily looks different, looks off, but he can't understand why. there's the urge to reach out and brush some of her hair back from her face, to pull her back against him again as long as it means getting rid of that-

and then it's gone.

james feels like hours went by in that single second, exhausted and strung out like he'd been running, but he doesn't waver his eyes. doesn't move, for fear of possibly, in some way, doing something wrong. but that doesn't stop him from asking, doesn't stop the way his stomach drops at the sound of her voice. what happened to her? what, in the span of their quiet night to this moment, happened?

he thinks back to the snow, the ice, to eggsy and to sirius and- no. well. maybe. maybe that could be it.

but then lily says him and james knows. knows before she can finally form the name in her mouth. she says his name but there is more to it- a kind of fear that settles somewhere behind her eyes. james is more confused than anything, still not able to figure out how this is happening or what she means. ]

Do you mean the prophecy? [ it's said a bit weakly, and with too much uncertainty for james to feel comfortable. lily retracts her arm and pushes back her hair and james is still left feeling a bit weightless. ]

Love, when? What are you talking about? He hasn't- [ he can't even start to wonder about if voldemort is here given the conversation, the fact that lily is looking at him like that. his brow furrows - not darkly, but definitively. wiped his memory? halloween? ]

Are you talking about last year? Yeah, I remember, but I don't- [ no, that's wrong. that's not what she's asking about. he his cocks to the side when he looks at her, next, before he's reaching out to set his hands on her upper arms, eyes searching her a bit more frantically this time. ] What happened?

[cwiclac]

[ james is not lying to her.

that is the first thing that pops into her head, as she watches him talk --watches him get too ahead of himself and have to start over. it's too organic and too . . . well, james to really be anybody but him, and james is genuine. he always has been, and he always will be, and finally, the reality of the situation is beginning to sink in.

this isn't home. and, it seems, this isn't the afterlife. no . . . this is a new place, and it is real. they were brought here, by something -- voldemort, maybe, but that seems unlikely, given how badly voldemort wanted to kill them. why keep them alive just to move them somewhere else? this isn't magic, it's something else.

and if it is something else . . . then james does not remember. why, lily has no idea. did voldemort wipe his memory? did ... whoever is in charge of this place? what happened, exactly? but that is irrelevant, really, because james genuinely does not know, and suddenly, her heart drops into her stomach. he doesn't know.

suddenly, she wants to cry again. but she bites the inside of her cheek, and fights down the urge to (1) cry and (2) demand that they find harry again, and instead: ]

Voldemort came to Godric's Hollow. On Halloween. 1981.

[ it's said in a soft tone, just above a whisper. she doesn't need to finish it, to explain what happened. no one ecapes voldemort three times. few people even escape him once. but isolated, in godric's hollow, with no one there . . . voldemort was there to kill, and kill he did.

lily swallows, to try and finish the story -- to share details, because james deserves to know, he, of all people, deserve to know what happened, exactly, and how he had died -- but once she says the first part, words fail her, and she reaches out again to grab at his hand, to grip it. ]

Stay with me, because I'm here, and you're here, and we need to stay that way.

[ it's soft, almost a little desperate, but she searches out his eyes. still terrified, still pale, but lily at least has some sense of purpose in her eyes, now. ]

We need to find Harry, and our friends, and -- [ this takes some doing, but she swallows and interlaces their fingers ] -- and find Peter.

[doggo]

[Padfoot takes the corridors at a gallop, following a thread of scent that he knows better than anything else, a scent he could pick out anywhere. James.

James, to Padfoot, translates as that scent--or a braid of scents, really, so entwined with the person that he could never undo the strands to pick out and identify each type. James is a lot of things, but primarily James is the best thing, the one and only best thing, and Padfoot's breath comes at an eager pant as he tears around the next corner, stops on a knut to take in the scent at the baseboard. James, James, Jamesjamesjamesjamesjames.

The pods are here, he has found them. There are sounds, now, people speaking--smells, too, a confusing miasma, but Padfoot does not lose this one important smell. He keeps fixed on it, like a burning string that pulls him along by the nose, and at the other end, he will find James. If he was himself, two legs, Sirius Black, all thin and worn, carrying a stolen wand--this search would take so much longer, this would be so much bloody harder, there are thousands of pods, and somewhere among them there is James, and when he finds him--

The next corner he turns, it's like facing down the sun. There is James: walking, quickly, and there is a smell of distress about him, something damp and a little sweaty and Padfoot barks, once, loud and eager. Here! is what that bark means, there is James and here he is, and he breaks into a full run, barrels right into James with all his full hairy bulk. Wet nose, wagging tail that whaps at him, bony shoulder that pushes up against James' legs--a tight circle around and around and around James, nosing at his hand, licking his wrist--]

[heorot]

[ if there had been any indication that lily didn't believe him, james might have gotten a bit frantic. that panic that has diminished to a low burn in his chest, threatening to grow with each passing second. thankfully, she does believe him - he can see it in the way she looks at him, watches his face. they're reading each other at the same time, and they know - simultaneously - what it is they were looking for.

i love her he thinks, a near-constant thought in the back of his mind. i love her i love her i love her.

but he doesn't know what she's talking about. he doesn't know what she's so terrified of, or what she's referencing. in a way, it feels like the morning after a bender, without the headache or nausea, the way others look at him, expecting him to remember. he doesn't, and he feels that same kind of desperate grasping in his memory. what should be there, what everyone else has. but in his head, it goes from a quiet night, the 30th, and then snow.

a chill runs down his spine, and he can't tell if it's the way lily is looking at him or the memory of the cold.

voldemort came to godric's hollow. on halloween. 1981. ]

No. [ he doesn't mean to be contradictory. doesn't mean for that to come out as quick and clipped as it does. but james' face hardens the very slightest bit as he keeps watching her. there isn't much that needs to follow that by way of description - they both know what it would mean if voldemort found them, but even still- it's not possible. ] It's- It's not possible. I did this so he wouldn't find us. I did it before. We were safe, they promise, it's not possible. [ that last bit is said quietly, just barely above a whisper, like he's begging for it to be true. please don't let it be possible, please, it can't, i made the deal, we're okay

and then lily takes his hand and squeezes it, and where james had been sitting there wide eyed in disbelief, he's pushed back to himself. grounded, immediately, by the touch alone. he blinks, and feels himself recenter, finding her eyes again in the moment too. ]

Of course. [ it comes out like a breath of air, quiet but easy. like there had never been a question about it in the first place. somehow, he manages to relax the hardened expression from before - the fear and panic and worry and confusion - to something more reassuring, as he squeezes her hand. ] I'm not going anywhere without you.

[ and if nothing else about this place, or what has happened, makes sense, at the very least james can be confident in that. at least lily can be confident in that. no matter what happens or where this decision leads them, they're here. together. and it will stay that way.

as she starts off on what they needs to do, james nods. harry, yes - first and foremost. friends, yes- and then he thinks, loud and overwhelming, you need to find sirius. it jolts a bit of tension through him, like he'd somehow forgotten about his earlier momentum. ]

Sirius is here, I- [ he purses his lips, eyes flashing around to the other pods. to the other faces and bodies moving about and the ones that aren't. his next words were going to be i can't explain how i know but for whatever reason, the way she says peter cuts off that train of thought. ] Harry should too. The voices- did you hear voices before you woke up? They said that you were safe. That you both were. Harry's here somewhere.

[heorot]

[ it doesn't take very long, which is a miracle - james is walking for a few minutes, maybe a few more than he realizes, when he hears the sound first. a loud, clear bark followed by a soft padding on unfamiliar, wide floors. james recognizes the familiarity of it before he recognizes the sound itself, his chest tightening briefly as he turns to the source of it. a sound he knows, he reacts to, he doesn't realize how much he needs to hear.

he sees padfoot a second before the mass of him barrels into james' legs, pushing him off balance and forcing him to take a step back from the force of it, just to keep from falling. a smile splits his face, laughter bubbling up from somewhere deep and buried. ]

Hey, slow down, it's okay- [ padfoot weaves tight circles around james' legs, pushing his body against him with each turn. james leans over to run his hands over padfoot's back with each circle, trying to get a better hold to actually run his hands through the mangy black hair but being unable with how quickly padfoot moves. ] C'mon, Pads, wait- [ but then james gives up, giving an over-dramatic sigh as he drops down to his knees to try and push padfoot in front of him, vigorously scratching at his back, his neck, the energy suddenly returned in affection if nothing else, rubbing and pushing and laughing each time padfoot licked at his hands, his wrist, his face. unadulterated excitement, and it lightens just enough from james' shoulders that his smile is just as honest. ]

Alright, alright, you win, okay, I surrender-

[doggo]

[Surrender is a word Padfoot likes to hear, and he barks his approval. He lets James push at him, only to crowd back close again a moment later. Ceding ground and then regaining it, too eager to be contained. His tail is wagging so hard he nearly overbalances. He paws at James' arm, at his shirtfront--he steps in close, licking his cheeks, his glasses, takes a pass at his hair, doglick and not cowlick, isn't it better--

And all the while he's shaking, eager, punctuating each show of affection with little whines, little yaps--twisting to lick at James' hands when he rubs at his sides, scratches at his back.

After some time of this, Padfoot backs up, abruptly, breaks free of James like he has to get a good full look at him. His tongue is hanging out of the corner of his mouth, a mouth that's doing this full dog grin, and he's panting like he's run some great distance. He stands, eager, quivering with how happy he is. Then he crashes to the floor, a big exaggerated SIT. His tail thumps, once more, twice more. James. The moment could go on forever.

Because this is easier too, no deep sadness to undercut pure joy. Padfoot can be wordlessly and completely happy in a way no human could manage. It will end in a moment, he will transform back, he will be himself and he will try to remember this feeling, imperfectly; he will never remember it properly, the way excitement is an all-body feeling.]

[heorot]

[ padfoot barks again, and james lets it pull a laugh out of him, something light and easy and all together out of place considering what has happened so far. he still feels the weight of it pulling at him, but not nearly as bad. not nearly as much. padfoot barks, jumps up on him and locks at every possible spot of james that could be reached, and it was easy to fall into it. he laughs, pushes back, lets padfoot maneuver back into his space before he starts scratching at his sides.

he hears the whines, soft little sounds that james picks up on but can't quite decipher. something hurts when he hears them, something that reminds him of the ice, the way sirius had looked at him in that first moment, when he himself hadn't seen much more than a man, on cracking ice, and the need to help.

james hesitates a bit at the thought, which happens to line up just enough with padfoot backing away from him. watching him with that full, happy grin, shaking with the excitement of it, and then he sits. james, in turns, sits back on his legs, leaning his weight back to his calves and ankles, mimicking padfoot in his own way. and for a few moments, all they do is sit - padfoot watching james, excited and happy and trembling with the extent of it. and in that moment, james yearns for it. can feel the urge to change hovering right under his skin. it'd be easy, too easy, to shift into it and take off down the halls.

but he doesn't, sitting back and waiting for the moment that's about to come. waiting for sirius, from padfoot. james realizes, then, that he needs that as much as he needs anything else.

he lets out a breath, not quite a sigh but close enough, and he feels his chest cave in a bit with it. ]

C'mon, mate.

[cwiclac]

[ the realization that spreads over his features is heartbreaking. and for half a moment, lily wants to tell him that it isn't true -- maybe she survived, maybe he did, but just when he starts to truly... well, panic, he brings himself back to her. and lily continues to hold his hand, tightly, to keep him focused on where they are. right now.

the news that sirius is here is a rush of relief. good. that is good. because sirius is one person that they can trust, above anything and anyone else, and if sirius is here, then that means they have one more person on their side. but as james keeps talking (working things out, she knows), lily steps forward to rest her forehead against his chest.

at first, it isn't entirely clear why, but: ]

They told me you were awake, but I didn't believe them. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

[ it's said quietly, and she draws in a breath. she won't cry again, not right now. and james is seeking confirmation from her. ]

-- but they told me my son was safe, and that you were awake. And you're awake, so. . . [ harry has to be here somewhere. ]

[doggo]

[Padfoot's ears prick at the sound of James' voice and his tail thumps again. These are involuntary movements. The sense and weight and meaning of the actual words sink in second, and Padfoot's ears turn back. With his mouth still closed, he whines again, quietly, not quite pointed enough to be a protest.

And then it's that all-over inside-out shiver, and instead of Padfoot, it's Sirius. He isn't in his prison uniform any longer; he's put that aside for other clothes, cut in the style of what's worn planetside, in dark colours. His hair has seen a trim since he's arrived, no longer elbow-length and matted, and he looks significantly less skeletal--still a man who has not had an easy time, maybe, but no longer starving in addition to all of that.

There is nothing at all strange about licking James' face as a dog and then turning back human a few moments later. Not for them, at least. There is nothing at all strange about the way that Sirius stares at James, hungry, eager, a little desperate, as human emotion seeps back in to give nuance to all that happiness. His breath shakes, when he lets it out--and he smiles, he can't help himself.]

Hi, Prongs.

[--Which is an understatement, which is what makes it funny, which is why he wants to laugh. He wants to grab hold of James again, as he had in that simmy lation. Latent dog memories echo just how brilliant that would be. James, a novelty that Sirius will never get tired of, not now, not ever. He starts to get to his feet.]

[heorot]

[ he knows what it means. somewhere deep in his gut, he knows what goes unsaid. knows what that look says to him. but he can't think about it. he can't wrap his head around how it still happened, it still followed through, even after he talked through it with these...people. there were specific agreements that were made, your loved ones are safe, but then how....?

but it's easier, to move passed it. to worry about the next steps rather than how past ones even happened. what james needs to care about now is finding harry, making sure their son is safe. find sirius.

lily steps forward and sets her forehead against his chest, and james lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding in, some of the lingering tension leaving his shoulders as he does so. he lets go of her hands, then, to wrap his arms back around her shoulders and buries his face back in her hair. this time, it helps ground him more than trying to comfort her, but it helps. ]

You didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you?

[ but it falls a bit short of his usual joking tone. he takes another breath, pulling her just a bit closer to him as he does it. ] They told me you'd be safe. [ he doesn't want to say they have no reason to doubt them, as that trusting bit is something he knows could get them in trouble, so he lets the unsaid words hang for a moment. ] We just need to find him. Find all of them.

[ he pulls away at that, barely a few inches, but enough to turn to look down at her. to cup her cheeks and turn her to face him. there is a moment there where james considers saying something - something reassuring or something inspiring - but the moment passes and nothing is said. instead, he leans forward to press his lips to her forehead, running his thumbs over her cheeks as he does so. ]

He's safe. [ and then he pulls back away, smiling back to her. ] I know he is.

[heorot]

[ there is absolutely nothing weird about padfoot, jumping and licking and barking, nearly knocking james to the ground in his excitement, turning in the most fluid and easy movement possible directly back into james' best friend. it's a status, a relationship, that they've gotten familiar with - just as it's familiar for them, as a stag and dog, to run wildly through any field or forest or, sometimes, towns. instincts could be honed, tamed, habits learned. this? this was just james and sirius, prongs and padfoot, no matter if one or both had tails.

but then he's sirius again, sirius sirius, and james watches the shift with the casual curiosity he believes he'd always have for magic. he knows he can do it, that everything he sees is just part of the animagus form they'd do diligently studied for so long, but to see it happen each time still caught his eye.

and then, sirius. thinner than james remembers, with longer hair, a taunter face. more and more details add up as james sees him for the first time since the ice, a weird amalgamation of that same guilt, but also relief, excitement, happiness. having his best mate here automatically made it all feel a little easier to carry, a little lighter of a load. physically, james relaxes seeing him, a dip to his shoulders and a breath of tension, exhaled. ]

Padfoot.

[ but then sirius smiles, then sirius just about laughs, and james feels his own smile break his face and grow - just as bit - as they both move to stand. he dusts off his knees a bit when he gets to his feet before fully straightening. when he does, there's an almost hesitation in the way he looks at the other - unsure, momentarily, of what exactly he's even supposed to say.

that, on its own, is too alien and entirely too uncomfortable, so james lets out a puff of air to push himself past it. ]

Looking a little worse for wear there, Pads. [ and then whatever had been holding that off, whatever had been holding it back, snaps. james just about surges forward, closing the distance and throwing his arms around sirius' shoulders and burying his face into whatever kind of space clothes sirius is apparently wearing. ]

[cwiclac]

[ she closes her eyes at the feeling of james' hands cupping her face and kissing her forehead. and, for half a moment, she almost feels ... normal. and as james pulls away and she opens her eyes to see him smiling at her, she almost has to return the favor, and smile at him in return. ]

I don't know what I was thinking. [ with a tiny laugh, and she rubs her nose before taking a deep breath. ] Getting rid of you that easily.

[ lily takes another breath before reaching out to grab his hand again, gripping her wand with the other. and while she's still pale and her hands are still trembling, she seems to have finally found her sense of resolve. ]

You said Sirius was here. If Harry is in one of these... things, [ which makes her sick, but lily can't dwell on that now] then maybe we can start with Sirius, and see if we can figure out a way to get him out.

[heorot]

[ there's the smile, and james feels a piece of him settle in place. there is so much happening to them, around them, but lily smiles back at him and james feels like it all is a bit more manageable. nothing really changed, but james feels like he's seeing it all in a new light. ]

You couldn't even if you wanted to. [ he kisses her forehead again, a quick press of his lips, before he lets his hands fall and lily is immediately there, sliding her hands into his, and james feels the most whole he has since waking up. his wand is in his pocket - he hasn't taken it out yet but he knows it's there.

and then there's lily. lily with a plan, lily with resolve, and in turn james feels more confident. like it's possible. he nods. ] I know he's here. We find him, and I know he'll be able to help. [ he needs to find sirius. he needs to figure out what these memories are about and why he has them, and then they'll find harry. sirius will know what to do, james knows he will, but they need to find him. ] He had to come out of the pods too, right? He'll be here somewhere.

[doggo]

[James comes half the distance, and Sirius the other half; the moment James moves closer he is moving closer, too. When James grabs hold of him he doesn't lift his arms straight away but lets that feeling soak in. The last time he had seen James is a memory kept mostly safe from the dementors because there was so much guilt and regret to it. Now it comes back to him, in a rush, stood outside the cottage, Lily and James and Harry, and Sirius had hugged James one last time before he had turned to go, quick, and how often had he wished that he would have stayed, that he would have changed it back, felt some prickle of misgiving, some premonition touched into life by the press of James' hand against his back.

Now it does not matter. James steps in close and Sirius finally grabs hold of him. No ginger careful grip, this. He seizes onto James and pulls him in, and the heat behind his eyes is growing worse by the second and his laugh--when he manages it--is damp, awful, he feels like something in his chest is fighting very hard to get out, and he laughs again, ragged, as he crushes James against him.

Shut up, is what he begins to say, git, you have no idea, or else what he wants to say, but instead he puts one hand to the back of James' neck and pulls him in closer, staring fixedly at the wall beyond him until it blurs.

If the Orbiters asked Sirius to walk into space right now, he would do it. Worth it for this moment. For James.]

[heorot]

[ for james, it wasn't all that long ago. months, maybe longer, standing out in front of the last place he'd remember, saying goodbye. they'd agreed together, who would hold the secret. agreed together that this was for the best. but even still, the moment had been harder than james was really prepared for. sirius was his other half, his best friend, his brother- they hadn't really, honestly, been apart since the day sirius showed up at his house before their sixth year, trunk in hand.

it'd been for the best, it'd been for his and lily and harry's sake, but james would be lying if it hadn't been one of the hardest things he'd ever done. and this, being the first time he's seen sirius since that moment (not counting the ice, the way his heart had seized when he fell-) and the rush of everything follows up behind it.

voldemort came to godric's hollow. on halloween. 1981.

lily's voice had been so heavy, so hollow, and if james' hands are shaking he's sure neither of them could tell with his tightly he grips the back of sirius' jacket, taking slow, steady breaths and ignoring how they hitch somewhere in the back of his throat. part of him wants to stay here, that maybe if he never lets go of sirius now, all of this will turn out to be some kind of insane dream, fueled by weird mixtures of potions and drinking and who knows what else. he wants this to be a nightmare, wants the silent understanding of what lily meant to be all in his head.

but he knows that's too much to ask. knows that's too much to want. he takes another breath, and it's a bit steadier this time, before he feels himself laughing too - not quite as loud as sirius' had been. he pats at sirius' back, slapping a hand against his shoulder, before gripping onto the fabric again. ]

Merlin it's good to see you. [ his words are soft when he finally gets them out, tucked somewhere in sirius' neck and shoulder. part of him starts to relax, like he's going to pull away, and then decides against it. he does pull up his face, setting his chin on sirius' shoulder rather than tucked into it. ] This is all such a fucking mess.

[cwiclac]

Have you seen him already?

[ it's a quiet question, but lily tugs on his hand slightly -- they're moving, down through the rows of pods, and lily's eyes are darting back and forth, to look at the faces. heading in the direction people seem to be heading -- the exit, presumably. ]

The only person that I've seen that I recognize is you.

[heorot]

Yeah I- [ he starts to explain, and then realizes he doesn't know how, something about the memories and the sound of the orbiter's voices stumbling around in his head. he starts walking with her, because following her is easy, but then he stops - pulling her to a stop as well. ]

I have these...memories. I don't know. It's hard to explain. But I remember seeing him and he saw me and he's here. [ just as he knew lily would be here, too. he knows. which is the kind of look he gives lily now - a kind of desperate attempt for her to believe him, despite how half-assed his explanation sounds. ]

I know he is. [ he squeezes her hand - briefly, but firm. he realizes, too, that he'd probably be able to find him a bit more quickly as prongs - the animal instincts, the awareness, the speed of it. but he doesn't necessarily want to leave her behind. ]