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Who: Linneus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
inaurare) & Dazai (cassus)
What: Linn is troubled by the birthday cake emoji. Dazai promised he could get rid of it.
When: April 5th - whisper it - Linneus' birthday.
Where: Olympia; tea parlour/cafe near the market place.
Warning(s): Will be updated as necessary - some discussion of the recent hostage/torture event, (self-)injury.
[Linneus hasn't been out much at all since the Sanctuary released him, has spent a lot of his time at home convalescing and trying avoid being outside. Crowds. People, in general. Healthy caution, after being hustled off the street and drugged.
He moves with care, still bandaged and healing yet under his clothes, and goes nowhere without a small knife tucked away and his miniature llama. Lula had been something of a surprise in the beginning, but she proved herself to be an indispensable companion, particularly recently. The little creature has her head leaned on Linneus' knee, letting him stroke her. It helps to make the wait less tense, but he still glances to the door every time he hears it open, occasionally opening cakestopper.jpg on his device to double-check who he is looking for.]
inaurare) & Dazai (cassus) What: Linn is troubled by the birthday cake emoji. Dazai promised he could get rid of it.
When: April 5th - whisper it - Linneus' birthday.
Where: Olympia; tea parlour/cafe near the market place.
Warning(s): Will be updated as necessary - some discussion of the recent hostage/torture event, (self-)injury.
[Linneus hasn't been out much at all since the Sanctuary released him, has spent a lot of his time at home convalescing and trying avoid being outside. Crowds. People, in general. Healthy caution, after being hustled off the street and drugged.
He moves with care, still bandaged and healing yet under his clothes, and goes nowhere without a small knife tucked away and his miniature llama. Lula had been something of a surprise in the beginning, but she proved herself to be an indispensable companion, particularly recently. The little creature has her head leaned on Linneus' knee, letting him stroke her. It helps to make the wait less tense, but he still glances to the door every time he hears it open, occasionally opening cakestopper.jpg on his device to double-check who he is looking for.]
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[ Dazai wonders how often passersby or patrons didn't expect Linneus to be more than the doe-eyed and tulip-haired waif he appears to be. And yet he can't help but see beyond those superficial veils, and take heart in the strength of character he has. ]
Lucky for those of us who are given the opportunity to appreciate that.
[ The hand atop his is such a precious rarity that Dazai is, for the first time in the greatest while, taken by surprise when it's warmth settles there.
It's fleeting, and like most public gestures of affection has a limited shelf life. But for the time being he makes no move to dispel it, even when he suffers soft laughter over the acknowledgment of his dessert's remains. ]
Ah, I suppose sweet things don't hold up well to rough handling.
[ Wearing a roguish grin Dazai shrugs his shoulders with an air of acceptance, absorbing full responsibility for the end result on his plate. ]
Would you believe me if I said I could be gentle, if I wanted to?
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[he can accept the comment gracefully enough, but that doesn't mean Linneus has to believe it. His soft exterior may hide a stronger and more resilient core than one might expect, but he considers it nothing special. There was nothing particularly glamorous or dignified in his developing that way. Nothing laudable, and certainly nothing unique.]
Everyone can be gentle when they want to. [a delicate lift of a brow] It's when they stop wanting to that one should worry, I think.
[pretences drop, in Linneus' experience.]
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[ The conversation takes a very personal turn, jumping from a dessert's recent demise to Linneus' introspection, weighing the worth of a person's actions based on the motivation behind them.
Yet he has no trouble following the transition, taking his own little spin on the topic of tenderness, and letting it lead them wherever it may. ]
...Whether they're given or received.
[ A knowing tilt of his head follows Dazai wearing an ever growing smirk. He's unabashedly trying to get a rise out of Linneus, be it a flustered blush or more, but that doesn't mean he isn't being completely honest. ]
I assure you, sometimes it's better when you don't want to be gentle.
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[the other eyebrow rising too, opening his expression-]
But is it giving, if the receiver doesn't want such touches?
[really, Dazai is skirting a little too close. Dancing words like this usually set Linneus at his ease, but he can feel his own reluctant guard right now, that this is not just verbal sparring designed the keep someone at arm's length - they're past that already. Perhaps that is as much to do with the perceptiveness of his than man at his side as his own fragility at the moment; his fragility telling him to be more protective of his vulnerabilities, for his own sake.]
I've seen rough hands used softly.
[...he doesn't mean 'seen']
And more than too often I've seen soft hands used roughly, too.
cw: abuse / sexual assault
[ While vague enough to skirt around indelicate conversation, Dazai is firm in his quiet agreement. There's no place in his mind for accepting encounters without consent, nor when the participation is dubious, coerced or an unanswered question left to ponder later in doubt.
His background may be blackened with old blood, both his and countless others, but even those who've been in the employment of taking lives can harbor a moral compass. He'll never be able to wash his hands free of every sin, but some types of savagery remain hard lines he's never crossed. ]
No, it's merely taking.
[ Dazai's mouth presses into a thin line as the subject takes such a sharp turn he can practically feel the whiplash, then the aftershock of realizing what Linneus means exactly. ]
That's stealing what you want from someone, be it violence or satisfaction.
[ Assaults come in many awful shades of grey, whether sexual or something for the sheer sake of violence. But applying hands ( harsh or not ) to another person without their enthusiastic wants, wishes and excitement - violates them. It's a theft, taking and tearing and yanking away parts of a person's soul.
If their fingers are still linked in touch, then Dazai's will tighten for the shortest moment, affording Linneus a soft squeeze of reassurance. ]
You've seen so much- [ Too much. ] ...but you've not let it destroy you.
Survival may not feel special. But it is, when you thrive despite everything you've been through.
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I don't feel quite as though I am thriving just yet.
[it is... rather more like going through the motions, at the moment, as he had been before the Storm. But at least Olympia gave him space to grow, space to thrive, even if he doesn't feel quite there, after the events of the last month.
It's only been a week, ten days. He has to remind himself often of the need to give himself more time.
Lula is nosing at their hands - the lower one he moves to let he have her attention; the upper one he is not ready to move from Dazai's yet, unless the other man wants to. A breath, settling his shoulders]
You were here for pleasant afternoon...
[and he does rather feel as though he's dragged everything out in front of Dazai, however so obliquely he talks. He hasn't been a good host this afternoon, circling them back to hard topics despite his attempts to steer away from them]
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It feels as though Linneus' touch, or perhaps merely the man himself, remains the one thing still tethering him to this place. And that says so much, for a soul as transient and temporal as Dazai's. He's never believed that he belonged to anything - or anyone. Though never for lack of trying, giving, everything he had to hand over, in the futile hopes of being whatever he needed to be ( villain or victor ) to fit what others needed.
Being genuinely wanted, even in the smallest shows of intimate affection, feel like grand gestures compared to the half measures and meager things thrown his way so far. And so he treasures it fondly. ]
If you ever need help with 'thriving'...
[ A chuckle, as if laughing at how eager he is for Linneus' repeated company. ]
I'll like to volunteer.
[ Difficult things and hard choices seem to tail him like a stray he's never been able to shake. So when they end up lain at his feet, suffered by another soul in need of sorting through them, he's not the type to bail.
Besides, all the pleasant superficial conversation in the world is a drop in the bucket to truly knowing someone, compared to seeing their oldest scars and deepest secrets.
And he wants that. Dazai wants to truly know the person at his side as he never was able to comprehend another who made him feel this way - honest and vulnerable and sincere as he can be. The man who Linneus reminds him so strongly of may be long gone, but he hasn't lost this chance, this time around. ]
And it turned out to be so much more than that. Better, actually.
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I'm working a lot of things out, still.
[because even Dazai's hand under his... it's nothing, compared to all of the other attentions he has received in the past. But it is more. Similar things at the Teahouse, Linneus wouldn't have batted an eye at, but precisely because this is not the Teahouse, because now people not just with him to get their money's worth - to get their use out of him. What he was and what he did didn't have to matter here, like the Orbiters had said, but that is still strange.
He's still working out what it all means, but he isn't willing to disturb Dazai's touch just yet.
A little dip of his head, a soft trickle of laughter at those words]
I think you are being too kind. I might even say indulgent.
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[ Linneus hasn't been the only one who has drawn their conversations back to darker things. For the first time in years Dazai has been given the chance to open up parts of his life story that even those who had known him before the storm haven't heard. These things, the honest to god true way he feels, are ones he never airs in the open, let alone typically allows himself to admit exist.
And Linneus has absorbed every word, carefully holding his bruised and battered heart within those gentle hands, until Dazai decided to bury it back inside his chest. ]
Aren't we all? [ It nearly frightens him, with how honest he wants to be with this man. ] Truthfully, I could use help with the same.
[ In his own way Dazai feels attached to Linneus' warmth and sunny disposition like something starved of sunlight, craning towards the sudden stream of sunshine as soon as it appears.
It can seem like a kindness, but perhaps there's a sense of greed nestled within the source of his apparent compassion. He wants Linneus' company. And while he's no patron or paying customer, their brief time together is valuable, and every minute feels worth his while. ]
You'd be doing me a favor, if you wanted to.
[ There's no urgency in his words, nor in the contented smile he leads with. The atmosphere is one of small talk and making distant plans without the pressure of obligations. There's still the tea that's growing cold, and the remnants of lunch to be considered. But at the moment he feels full, satisfied without a hint of hunger, with simply Linneus' company alone. ]
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[hushed, though, and rephrasing - because those are words he rarely pairs together, 'I want'. He's shy of it, still.]
I would like that. No favours, just...
[...just let things be as they are, without anyone feeling rushed, without anyone feeling like they owe the other favours - least of all truths. Though veiled or not it feels like plenty of those have been drawn out today.
Perhaps Linneus has more to work out than most... but he is beginning to understand that Dazai just might be in a similar boat ]
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[ Dazai does his best not to smile too widely or chuckle in amusement at how Linneus practically dodges his own scandalous admission of wanting things, as if airing those thoughts will either jinx them or shame him in some way. To offset the momentary gloom his voice dips conspiratorially low, sharing a secret that only Linneus seems to find taboo. Playfully matching his companion's whispers, he aims for a light-hearted attempt at teasing that isn't mockery in the least.
Of all things in this world, want is hardly the worst of them. And wishing to lay claim to anything, to say 'I need this', is no sign of selfishness or greed. Not when everyone deserves to voice what their heart desires to make them whole or to proclaim how empty a lack of a particular thing may make them. ]
You're allowed to have wants, Linneus.
[ Spoken in those low tones, it sounds as though their subject has shifted yet again, away from merely the arduous tasks of mental recovery, and back towards those unspoken things that both have hinted to.
And yet his follow up couldn't hold purer intentions or more encouraging words for a young man who seems to need all the reassurance in the world that he's allowed things, and to hold his breath in hopes of them. ]
A home of your own, hobbies, friends, love, relationships- All of it.
[ The sheer sake of wanting those things and being firm in needing them is no crime. Even a man as ruined as Dazai is permitted to desire more for himself than he ever has considered in his life before. ]
Ah, you're right. [ A small shake of his head. ] No favors.
[ He mirrors the rebuttal, doing so as his way of making a promise. Dazai knows that in Linneus's life bartering one thing for another leaves too much pain in it's wake. So a favor done for the sake of another, with the hope of getting something in the end, surely hits too close to home. So he tactfully rephrases it in the vein of a mutual venture. ]
A shared experience, then?
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[but he's skirting again, a little shy with the way Dazai drops his voice to match, as though they are sharing secrets together. He knows it in principle, of course he does - he even believed it once, though it has been some years since.
Yet all of that sounds so much. More than he might have asked for, more than someone like him might have hoped.]
I'm still figuring those out as well - it's silly but... reassuring myself, almost.
[because he has dodged his wants for years; to the extent that it was strange settling into his own home. Living alone is still an adjustment, but he has been gaining a little more confidence in arranging the house how he likes, displaying the things he likes, letting the house reflect more of him. He's had his touchstones but after so long deliberately avoiding things with the knowledge his guests would be averse to them; curating an image for his guests kept up so long it was practically an identity... even small things feel almost daring; silly, simple things like how he'd been practicing portraits with his watercolours instead of landscapes and flower studies.]
No favours.
[in the affirmative this time; an agreement struck, but he echoes a little further with a slight tilt of his head]
A shared experience, is it?
[experience might not be the word, but sharing... it's a rare thing indeed, for him to be an equal in anything.]
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[ He doesn't need to remind Linneus that they truly are adrift in quite similar little boats, but there's something reaffirming in reminding himself of this. It feels like trusting Linneus is the right choice, when so often they seem to be looking into a mirror or strange reflecting pool, when staring at one another's wounds and the crosses they carry. ]
This place affords things otherwise impossible.
[ Even the most asininely simple and universally deserved, like love. ]
Not just for you, but many of us.
[ Dazai can't stand to be still for too long, be it due to nerves or exposing too much of his truths to this man he's just met. So his free hand toys with his fork, trying to balance it upon the table-top. ]
Yes, I think so. [ The best phrasing escapes him. But this'll do. ] Helping each other, equally.
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[echoing again softly - something about the wording, again]
I’ve been given things before - beautiful things but... objects, material thing. Nothing that really mattered and usually only because they were no trouble to give.
[Gilder was different; Gilder saved to see him; to afford rates that were a drop in a bucket for his other guests. Saved to see him when he could have gone to any number of cheaper brothels and still had money to spare - and if it were expensive he wanted, there were plenty of places for that too. But Gilder had returned for him. Linneus was still picking over his feelings on that one. But it feels like he is just... talking, and he tries to redirect himself-]
So those... they were things I ruled out for myself, for sure. The better to ward off disappointment, perhaps, even though the Natha said I might have them here...
[he will not point out that that fork is probably never going to stand - but he will brace himself for the clatter]
That's fair, I think.
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He enjoys the mental acrobatics of trying to pluck out just the right words for precisely the correct feeling. So Dazai hardly breaks a sweat over the discussion. If anything he's enjoying himself all the more because it feels like challenge.
Not quite on par with chess, but a verbal exchange where ideas can meet or clash and defend is just the kind of sparring he was made for. ]
I was thinking more along the lines of life experiences with others.
[ The few which he's named are some of the most important, but there are less monumental ones. Walks on the beach or star-gazing with a lover under a full moon are others, still extraordinary and out of reach things for those who live outside the normalcy of typical people. ]
Those are harder. It takes time to build those relationships.
[ Dazai sets the fork down, his brows lifted in compassion as he directs his focus towards Linneus again. ]
Personally speaking, I think they're much more worthwhile in the end.
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[he knows all of this - that these experiences were what Dazai was referring to, the building of such relationships, are worthier and more precious than any of the gifts he was ever lavished with. That the building itself takes such experiences, such little moments, such time. He has done it once, but since...? No one has stayed - Linneus has never been in a position where that might be possible before.]
I know this.
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[ He can tell Linneus is wrestling with his own personal demons. And all the while each of Dazai's words, brimming with well intentions and the hope to heal, merely seem to further rub Linneus' struggles into his face.
Even though they've shared more than most do upon first acquaintances, Dazai is in no position to preach to the choir and declare ideas that he cannot begin to know whether Linneus has experienced the hard way.
It's a difficult thing to rein in. So rarely does he feel comfortable like this, telling the truth and merely talking without expecting it to be used against him as blackmail or betrayal. But they're still very much strangers beyond this singular encounter. And remembering that is the best way to stay mindful of Linneus' fragile feelings. ]
Forgive me, won't you?
[ The hand underneath Linneus' turns over, palm up and open so that his fingers can catch hold of those slender digits above his. There's a gentle closure shortly afterward, but not quite a squeeze. ]
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[softly, shaking his head. It's an easy enough thing to accept that hold, even leaning slightly in as though encouraged by it]
I know this. I only mean that it's hard.
[he is more than used to baring himself physically on a first meeting, but emotionally...? He's shared today more than he ever would with anyone, never mind a relative stranger - Linneus isn't sure if that's as much a mark of his growth here as his lingering fragility from the events of the previous month and he fights still with the impulse to run from anything the might force him to confront his feelings. Years too late, he is trying to lean into it more and trust again.
Perhaps doing so leads him too far in that direction too soon, but it is a start.]
There's nothing to be forgiven, please...
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[ Accustomed to donning any role and playing whatever part his present situation demands of him, Dazai has no difficulty fabricating life stories within the landscape of his mind, all of which are anything but his own reality. It's not a far stretch to place himself into Linneus' life, imagining walking a mile in the other man's shoes and then reflecting on how that may very well impact his companion's involvements with others.
Baring all of your skin to another's whims is a different act entirely than doing likewise with your soul. True, the two can and do overlap in rare circumstances. But when the former happens time and time again, without the real want for it or those behind lingering touches, it can eradicate the ability to reveal more than what lies on the surface. It's too easy, rote and routine, to mechanically go through the motions while knowing nothing more could ever possibly be allowed to blossom there.
He's never been forced into the same sort of slavery. But letting someone in, deeper than the superficial things than run only skin deep? That's a struggle he knows. ]
Trusting people not to hurt you. [ 'Betray or leave you' remain unspoken crimes he's both committed and suffered. ] When they've done it before.
[ Commiserating this way yet again, Dazai finds himself handing even further pieces of honesty over into Linneus' possession. But what's one more part of the puzzle of a man who few have ever solved, when he savors in the looming danger of finally being understood.
He'll risk it, along with at long last a gentle squeeze of the hand within his. ]
Good. I wouldn't want to break your heart over a few words. [ A playful smirk, completely teasing. ] ...Not quite yet.
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[however veiled his suspicion might be. It is is still no good thing to fall into habits, to judge people even if their intentions may be entirely innocent only because his wariness was customary.
A low chuckle, shaking his head again]
Ah, but if you could be so kind as to go without breaking it at all...
[the banter back is easy, if strange with the awareness that Dazai knows the full depth of his words]
...I would be grateful.
[what pieces he has left are small and not easily reassembled]
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[ Dazai is the very benchmark for dragging the monumental weight of every cross he bears with him, no matter how small his steps forward may be. He cannot bring himself to let go of a history that has become his very mantra for living.
"Be on the side that saves people... Become a good man."
Odasaku's words ring in his ears to the beat of his own heart, and they might as well be, with how ingrained they've become in his progress. Before those words had been spoken, Dazai had never believed himself to be anything even near to a shade of decent. And yet after hearing them he'd taken up a mantle and the beliefs that drive his every action now.
How can you not be a product of your past?
Dazai is a strange and awful amalgamation of a dying man's final words and a broken child's terrible taste of a life full of the darkest evils. He cannot ever separate the two halves of himself, bury and subdue, but never divide them and become wholly good without the taint of his darker self.
Linneus should be no different. And the same goes for everyone else. ]
Is it fair to expect trust from you without earning it?
[ He turns Linneus's words around, posing the reverse as a question. Because it's a valid notion to ponder. Relying on others doesn't happen without work. Placing faith in people without evidence that your investment is worthwhile is simply foolish or just naive. It's a sure fire way to end up disappointed.
Paranoia is one thing; unhealthy as a rule and dangerous in the worst of times. But being cautious about others has kept him alive more instances than he can count on both hands.]
I'll do my best not to.
[ Dazai can't make promises, when a person's heart tends to do as it pleases without ever consulting the parties it involves or even reason. But, this much is still more than he affords others who make his acquaintance. ]
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[but trust is a little new. It's not as if he has never trusted, but Linneus isn't sure how much of a right he has to be talking about trust. Even if it is the foundation of most friendships, relationships, it has been a long, long time since Linneus has had any relationship founded on trust. Only necessity, utility - the better to minimise any heartbreak.]
...I trusted you with this, didn't I? Was I wrong?
[it doesn't feel like a mistake]
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[ He ought to pass tender reassurances Linneus' way, to sooth away any buds of insecurity which may bloom into outright fear. But their relationship isn't one based on the sort of deceptions he feeds tender young things like the treats tonight, whose hearts are better swaddled by blissful ignorance than the bitterness of reality. ]
Only time will tell. It's a little early in the game to assess the damage.
[ Any involvement between people can come back to the dance of warfare, where the strategies borne from exchanges like these reap gains and losses, depending on their success.
Dazai may very well do him damage in the end, just as easily as the reverse could come into fruition. It depends on what they want, what's taken, and how the dice end up falling when everyone has played their hands. The fallout could be devastating unless they both stand on equal ground on these terms, or amicably forfeit the things they want to negotiate compromises. ]
Somehow, it seems I've put my trust into you too.
[ Like a blade to Dazai's throat, he places this knowledge into Linneus' hands, well aware he's playing with fire. Not that his companion will likely understand the ramifications of Dazai's bestowal of faith in any person.
It might as well be a weapon pointed at his head, for all the havoc that sincerely caring could cause him. ]
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...there is often damage - even when none is meant. It is just a question of waiting for it to become apparent.
[weeks, months, years down the line. Goodness, but he knows even sweetness can leave its own scars - he's quite resigned to it, at this point.]
I will do my best to show it is not misplaced in me, I promise.
[And if he finds his trust misplaced he will do as he has always done - smile, laugh and shrug his shoulders. With any loss, with any small victory, it is all he can.]
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[ There's no elaboration, no further acknowledgment or examples given that add credence to Linneus' wise profession. If anything Dazai's close-lipped silence after that is enough.
Their hands may seem idle, but his stirs every now and again, as if lonely and in need to seek reassurance that there is something steadfastly beside it. Mostly his thumb does all the work, brushing lightly and taking turns with the conversation that ebbs and flows between them. ]
I know I can trust you, Linneus
[ A rare thing for people to say, and rarer still to come from a man who has only uttered the endearment of 'friend' to a man he lost years ago. But he needs this, from the contact at hands cradled together to the feeling he speaks in the quiet of their own little world, unseeing of anyone else in the bustling little establishment around them. ]